Tuesday, October 18, 2005


Why is it so difficult to leave something that is obviously so bad for us?

This has been on my mind for the last few days. Specifically, we do people find it so difficult to leave a bad relationship?

I had a talk with some friends, and some of them (to my surprise) have had struggles caused by "toxic" friends.

Now, when there is a "friend" who is poison, the logical thing to do would be to walk way right? And yet, why is that so hard to do?

Why would we willingly be treated badly by people who are ostensibly our "friends", rather than do the obvious correct thing?

Another example would be this other person I know. She had a boyfriend and the boyfriend treats her very badly. Why doesn't she just leave?

Of course, things are complicated aren't they? Nothing's that simple. I know that. I often asnwer these very same questions the same way. It's not that simple man.

Maybe. But is it really that complicated all the time? Or is that a lame excuse.

Why so hard to do the right thing and leave people who are bad for us behind, or keep them at a mininum safe distance? There are many "answers" I guess, but one answer would be because we want to be good.

We want to be the good one, that's why we can't leave. Who sets these standards? Us. Ourselves. It's not really what other people think. It's what we think of ourselves.

It's bad enough, you walk away, and the person who you walked away from thinks,"Damn, what a bitch/asshole/other insulting word". It's bad enough to know that someone thinks of us like that. But even worse I dare say, is when you hear your own voice telling you the same thing. You're a bitch. Asshole. Other insulting term.

So we don't walk. We try make things "better". We try to change. We try to talk. Sometimes things do get better. But most times? Out of 100 times, how many times?

Things don't work out. We feel bad. We try again. The endless circle continues.

Because we want to be good. We want to satisfy our own idea of our own goodness.

That's why.

In my own life, I've had my share of pointless attempts at relationships. I've had "friends" who treat me badly and take things out on me when they are pissed off, without even telling me why.

I know how hard it is to do the right thing and walk away. But knowing why I do that gives me another option. It gives all of us another option. We can continue to burn for people who don't care enough to look our way, don't care enough to care. This is the easy thing.

Or we could just walk away. This is the hard thing. So I guess we need to look inside to see why it's so hard. And maybe talk to a friend. That always helps.

Suddenly, I'm thinking, have I ever been a toxic "friend" myself. Have I ever done this to anyone? Does anyone have a good reason to walk away?

If I am toxic in some way to anyone, I'd like to know about it. The poison also comes from inside, and I want to stop it if I am poisonous.

So friends, do tell me. In fact, I think we should all ask that question. If we do that and answer honestly, the world will suddenly become a much better place.

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