Friday, April 30, 2004


I've just had a really, really busy night.

Normally that would be a cause for complaint for some. But in this case, I'm quite relieved to be busy. Even better, I managed to settle everything before time's up.

There's always that smug feeling of satisfaction I get if I have a lot to do and can finish without passing it down to the next shift. Best of all, being busy like that prevents boredom, which can be a real problem when you work solo and for twelve whole hours, at night on a weekend.

Earlier in the day, I watched The Last Samurai on DVD. That's a good movie. I really enjoyed it. Of all the lines in the movie, one in particular comes to my mind. It's when Tom Cruise says,"A man does what he can, until his destiny is revealed."

I do believe that a person's "destiny" is pretty much in his/her own hands. However, I also believe that certain events are predestined and essentially inevitable. I also believe in things like serendipity and coincidences. So now the question becomes, if something happens to a person, how would she/he know that it was meant to happen no matter what that person might do ? And does he/she even need to know. And how much of a person's life is how shall we say, "scripted".

I personally don't like the idea that whatever we do, no matter how little or insignifant, is scripted. It implies lack of control and the idea that I don't actually have any control of my own life is quite frightening.

When I think about it, our life is conrolled by us with a few major events that are scripted, like cutscenes from a video game.

Intriguing subject isn't it ? Now, if only I weren't so sleepy..

Tuesday, April 27, 2004

The Drive

Like I said in a previous post, last night I went for a drive. One BIG circle, from 3rd mile to across river to the Causewway to Pending and back to 3rd mile.

A random drive. The kind where you're not actually going somewhere. I forgot how much I miss this.

A few years ago, I used to drive about like this too. I didn't have a car at the time. I knew this girl and when she had an urge to hang, she'd come over to my place and I'd drive her car. We'd just drive around aimlessly and talk in the car. She's was cool about this too. Damn I miss her. (She too, is married AND just gave birth last February. All my girl friends are either taken or married uwah....:( )

Why are such long, slow drives pleasant ? Perhaps the solitude or the quiet, especially when done far from town on long stretches of country roads ? The sights and sounds of life passing by ? Or maybe when I'm in the car I can detach myself from the world outside ? Is it a form of escapism ?

I'll do it again. Whenever I want to get away and have some quiet, I'll get in the car and just drive.

You should try it.

One more thing, I often think that many students from our colleges/universities can't write/speak English to save their lives. This guy ain't one of them.

Monday, April 26, 2004


Went out with my friend last night. I haven't seen her since December last year, when she got married & I couldn't come to her wedding because I was working and had zero leave left. Went to see my other friend at his stall at Reservoir Park. It was nice. There were more people there than I thouht they would be.

We talked about normal things at first. The weather, work, my hair, my car, the food business etc. You know regular pleasantries talk. And then my friend started to tell me that she had a lot on her mind lately.

Why ? I asked. She said she didn't want to talk about it (sure sign that she in fact, wanted me to prod). So I did.

Turns out that she was kinda dissapointed, among other things. She told me that she had expected things to be different now that she's married. But still she feels exactly the same as before.

This friend of mine, she's kinda emotional and can sometimes have difficulty in expressing herself. But this time, she came up with an explanation all my herself.

Ya see, while she & her husband were dating (and they were for a long, long time) he was often away (he's a cop). And now they're married, he's still away. No difference. Hence everything else is the same too. Like she said the only difference now is that they can sleep together, legally.

I can relate. Here she was doing what most people would think would be a really big deal (it is) and yet after all the hoopla and feel-good vibes go away, she's back to where she was before. The husband not being here doesn't help.

Tonight we went out again. Random drive. It was fun. Tonight she was just bored. We mostly talked about work and what people do when there's nothing to do. No heavy conversation. Didn't feel like she was in the mood. Just wanted to forget and

This whole thing goes to show that as far as changes go, getting married isn't as big as some of us might thought.

Still I wish them the best. I'm sure when they got babies, then their lives will change (drastically).

Saturday, April 24, 2004

An Awesome Blog

Read this. An eye-opener for sure.

Gives new perspective to the stuff we read in the paper.


Lazy. Lethargic.

That pretty much sums up my brain (and blogging) activity the last few days. I'm just feeling really uncreative somehow. So today I thought I might jot down some regular, everyday life miscellany.

I bought a new CD-writer. TDK. It's pretty decent despite being really, really cheap. And best of all, I can install my Battlefield Vietnam !! Yahhooo. It's an awesome game.

I like first person shooters. I know some might not approve of the violent nature of the games of said genre, but their is one fundamental fact that undermines all the arguments of anti-violent-games-and-entertainment advicates. That fact is : IT'S JUST A GAME. No one can blame gaming for inciting violent behaviour. If people want to ban war-like games, maybe they should ban religion too. After all, it seems to me nowadays a lot of violence is being perpetrated by "religious" people. There I said it.

I'm also thinking about doing some changes to my blog layout. Nothing spectacular, just minor things like different fonts or changing the sidebar from left to right or maybe trying a different colour (like teal).

I was also supposed to meet up with a bunch of Kuching based bloggers this weekend, but alas I'm working nights this weekend. And the next one too. I was so looking forward to this. I've been kinda curious, just how many Kuchingites blog ?

At least I get this Sunday off. I'm going out with a friend, who is married and the husband is not here. She called me just now, telling me she was bored. I told her, I was bored too. It'll be interesting to hang out with her. It'll be the first time I'm meeting up with her after she got married. Got some questions to ask.

As you can tell, I don't have any blogging material right now. It's a good thing I'm not a writer working for a TV series.

Because if I was, this week's episode would suck (or be really depressing).

Tuesday, April 20, 2004

Life Serial Too

I've decided to take a break from writing this last two days. Straighten out the brain cells you know ? Chill out a bit.

Also, I had to handle some mundane, everyday stuff. Like sending my car for an oil change/tune-up(it's first one !! Yes I've driven a thousand clicks in that thing), paying loans and stuff like that. Lots of little things to do.

It's so easy to get caught up with the minutiae of daily life and lose the big picture isn't it ? I've often talked about this with my friends. I've seen colleagues & people I know whose entire lives consists of going to work, sleeping, eating and going to work. No hobbies, no outside personal stuff, no nothing. Even worse is when they glare at me dissaprovingly when I talk about my guitar playing/band related stuff, or my computer games or my going out and hanging out in the evenings or even my blogging. There are some people in this world who feel that if you're not working or studying or otherwise "improving" yourself, you're wasting your life and you're nothing but a parasite to society.

Some of these people (who'll otherwise remain unnamed), actually believe that their reason for being is work, work, work. It's sad. It's sad when they don't think it's right to spend money to do/buy stuff you like. It's sad when you can't see that life is bigger than that. Even if they actually enjoy this, it's still sad (to me anyway, maybe I'm wrong).

I was about to write a different post about something else entirely (a smart little one tentatively entitled "Outside Looking In"), but this just jumped out right at me.

Okay, okay. I do realize that some people have no choice but back-breaking labour. I do realize that there are people who are under intense pressure that they can't "afford" to do stuff outside. I know because I was one of these people. I once had to work 7 days a week, maybe 360 out of 365 days a year. I hated that.

To truth to me is that you gotta ask a question. As busy as you are, how important is it for you to have free personal time ? If it's important enough, you will make time for it. Contrary to popular old-school belief, taking time off isn't a sign of being lazy. I think it's important, and people don't discuss this fact often enough.

So do yourself a favor and chill out. Your brain and your spirit will thank you for it.

Saturday, April 17, 2004

Not a Step Back !!

I've been reading about hostage season in Iraq all this week. It seems that every Iraqi gunman and his brother are falling all over themselves to grab as many foreigners as they can.

I've read about the protests, like in the Japan where people marched to urge the government to pull out troops because they got people taken. And in other places, more or less the same thing. What do I think ? Should a government pull out troops and give away because the enemy took hostages/prisoners ? No, absolutely not.

Why not ? Because if you do, then the insurgents/terrorists/militiamen who commit such learn an important lesson in international politics. What lesson is that ? Violence works. Bowing to the wishes of people who take hostages and threaten to kill them creates a deadly precedent. After all, if it works once it should work all the time right ? Unhappy about something some country is doing ? Easy, grab a bunch of frightened civilians of offending nationality, grab a camera, film said hostages with a bunch of armed people dressed in cammo and drop it at an embassy. Soon the public will see the video and protest. And soon after that, they get their way. No fuss, easy diplomacy.

That's why dealing with terrorists/insurgents this way in a bad idea. A few years ago, Filipino Abu Sayyaf terrorists grabbed a bunch of people at a resort at Sipadan Island. The Malaysian government paid the ransom they asked. Guess what ? Abu Sayyaf did it again a few weeks later. See the circle forming ?

The government should have sent the PASKAL (M'sian Navy Spec Force) after them, that's what should have happened. Sure there is the risk that the hostages might get killed. But what can you do. In Russia, Chechen gunmen held up a theatre with nearly a hundred people inside. The Russian military sent the Red Army after them and gassed the theatre. Quite a number of civillians were killed. Is that the ideal way to go about this ? Certainly not. No body wants to see innocent bystanders get killed. But, again what do you do when you can no longer negotiate ? And true, such actions will NOT eliminate terrorist acts. But it certainly won't encourage it either. And next time, those Chechen tangos will think twice about planning something this big again. They might do it again for sure, but they also know they won't pull it off without cost to themselves.

I'm not a hawk. I hate war as much as the next person. War is about stupid, random, senseless death no matter how "worthy" the cause. In the late seventies & eighties, I've lost neighbours and relatives fighting Communist terrorists, so I'm no stranger to the facts (I was very young but I remember the conversations & the funerals). But to let terror influence the policy of a country is to merely encourage the act of terror as a negotiating tool. You can't stop terror by bowing to it.

Neither can you stop terror with punitive action. In my opinion, terror can be handled by finding the cause and addressing it.

Just my two cents.

Wednesday, April 14, 2004

Another Work Week


Today is my last day of break for this week. I have to go to work again tomorrow. I'll be at work through the weekend. Next week, I'll have to service my car and and pay a loan. At least I get paid on Friday.

I'm spoilt. I've been spoiled by my current half week on/half week off schedule. Now I absolutely unable to comprehend my own reactions if I were to go back to the 5-day week most people have (or more accurately the 6 & a half day week).

I'm extremely free spirited. I need a LOT of time for myself, to do my own stuff outside or work. I value my free time more than my job. The only reason why I work is to support & pay for my personal life. I have NO thoughts about climbing the so-called corporate ladder. I'm not really interested in getting promoted or anything like that (I do expect fair wages though, which it is so far). At least, that's not my sole aim in life. That makes me look unambitious, doesn't it ? Maybe I am. And it doesn't bother me.

I wonder what my boss at work would say ? What my parents would say ? Or even my friends ? Doesn't bother me either.

I'm grateful that my job is what it is. There are people who have found it impossible to work in the kind of environment I work in. I'm a support technician. I work alone. In any one shift at the factory where I work, there is ONE IT technician for that whole shift (during the day I do get some help from the desktop guy). I like the fact that in one 12-hour shift, if there's nothing big going on, I only see my super for a grand-total of, maybe 15 minutes. Some other days, he's not around at all (weekends and public holidays). My super trusts me enough not to snoop around and watch me like a hawk. Also, I don't really need to be supervised since I'm pretty competent (not bragging). I like the fact that my job requires NO direct supervision. It's perfect. To me, being watched while I work is the most annoying thing in the world.

I'm feeling kinda depressed, but I'm always like that on the last day of break. At least I had four days off this week. That's a good thing and I have to remember that. And the fact that my job doesn't suck is nice too.

I'm very grateful.

Tuesday, April 13, 2004

The Rock & a Hard Place

Been reading other people's blog. So many posts about politics & other heavy stuff. It's all good, but I won't be writing about anything like that.

I'm meeting up with friends later. We're going to watch Walking Tall. Wonder what the Rock would be like in that movie.

I'm not a WWE fan. I sometimes enjoy it, it's funny. So overwrought & so dramatic. Like a soap-opera for men. But I don't buy merchandise & I don't follow it religiously.

I do like the Rock though. Unlike so many other wrestlers turned actors, this guy is actually funny. I enjoyed his performance in The Rundown, particularly that scene where he and Seann William Scott get paralyzed after eating fruit. And that scene with the monkey.

Another thing that struck me was how different he is when he's being interviewed as an actor. He's got a refreshing humility and he doesn't seem arrogant. He's got real charm. His acting needs a bit more work but I'm sure he'll get there.

Look at me, talking about the Rock. Cue rolling-off-eyes and judgemental comments about my "mainstream" taste in film. Fine, if you need to laugh and point and call me a dumbass and a pop-culture slave and tut-tut me for watching a movie as frivolous as Walking Tall, go ahead. Hey, want more ammo ? I watched Scooby Doo. Both movies. And enjoyed them too. And you know what else ? You know those heavy drama movies, the arty ones ? I like those too. Like On Golden Pond. However, I find some of these movies a little too pretentious.

I know people who are totally unable to enjoy a film if it wasn't "good" in an artistic sense. They look for things like metaphors & hidden meaning. I do this too. I like to discuss this after a going to the movies actually. But most of the time, people just go to the movies just to have fun, to relax, to laugh, to get scared and most of all to escape. I read the paper and there are people who say that some films are a waste of time cause they aren't relevant and don't instill good morals or some other crap like that.

When I watch a movie, I don't want to learn anything or be reminded about my life. I go to the movies to get away.

If you go to the IMDB forums, you'll find a lot of people who apparently can't do this.

I feel sorry for them.

Monday, April 12, 2004

Today's post is not here

It's here.

I'm just hanging out today alone without any of my friends. It's nice to be alone once in a while.

And actually, I don't have anything interesting to say today.

Have a nice day and see you tomorrow.

Saturday, April 10, 2004

Busy Like Hell

Sorry sorry.

I haven't stopped blogging or taken a sabbatical or abducted by aliens or anything like that.

I have been rather busy with work. More so than usual. Being busy is not a bad thing. Time passes quicker and you get that feeling of satisfaction when you solve big, big problems. Plus being busy beats being bored any day, and in turn being bored beats the hell out of being depressed. So my life's been pretty okay. I'm trying to be upbeat & positive today.

Also, this evening I will go out drinking !! Just now during lunch I went out and bought vodka and some Pepsi. I will be stoned, pissed drunk come midnight and it looks likely that I will have to go to an evening Easter service tomorrow. My parents would probably want to use the car anyway. Not to worry, this drinking will take place at a friend's house not far from mine. No need to drive.

Drinking with friends is a good thing. Drinking's a time to talk crap and sometimes even to ponder and reminisce and get philosophical. My most fun memories with friends involve drinking sessions. It's fun to remember the alcohol-fueled high-jinks and shenanigans, even when nobody remembers much. And don't worry I'm not alcoholic just in case you wonder.

Not all people who drink are evil you know. Likewise not all non-drinkers, are not evil. I was thinking about this and suddenly I remember this girl in Unimas who got all cold and judgemental when she that discovered little ole me was (is) prone to the occasional pint. I hate it when people build this ugly stereotype just because of one character "flaw". She's no longer in touch, so good riddance.

So kids, try not to be judgemental just because he/she drinks/smokes/swears/insert "bad" habit here. You can't possibly judge a character on these little things.

Wednesday, April 07, 2004

The Day When Nothing Happened

Today was unremarkable. In fact, today was the most unremarkable day I've had in a long time, even by my standards. Usually, on even the most boring days I usually stumble on something interesting. But today ? Well I looked and thought and pondered, and there was nothing. This whole day went by like a hot, humid blur.

Actually, I did do a few things in the last 24 hours. I supposed I just feel bored. And depressed. No big deal, it's probably my regularly periodic hormonal imbalance. Or low serotinin levels. Anyway, I watched two romantic comedies in a row. "Alex & Emma" & "Love Actually". Both very quirky and both sickeningly sweet. Sometimes I like romantic comedies. They make me feel warm all over and for a split second, I'm not cynical about relationships and all that stuff. At least temporarily, I actually feel that it's actually possible for me to get involved again. And then again, the end credits roll and back to reality.

Reality sucks. Maybe not all the time but enough times.

I also went and bought Rain X. It's a glass treatment thingie that prevents my windows from fogging up and water to roll right off.

Oh dear, I just noticed. On my web log here, I'm much more touchy-feely than I am in real life. Now, between my online persona and my actual physical self, which one is real ?

I better stop thinking before I mess up my own mind.

I'm going to see some friends for dinner. Have a nice evening and thanks.

Tuesday, April 06, 2004

Miscellaneaus, Unrelated stuff

I drank Chardonnay last night.

It's nice to drink white wine. I haven't had any for the longest time so me and some of my buds went to this place that we've never been to and had dinner & drinks. I think the place was called "Sidewalk". The food was okay (I had spaghetti bolognaise) but the wine list was dissapointingly small. Next time I'm on a wine kick, I'll go to Tapanga.

What a relief..!! I've just come off 6 weeks worth of night shifts and more importantly, March is finally OVER. Phew.. I really don't know what it is, but of all the months in a year, none of them drag on & on as long as March does. Again I say March Sucks. Have you also noticed that each month of a typical year has its own different flavor and carries its own vibe ? Whatever it is, I'm just glad it's April.

Aside from all of that, I also bought the new Three Doors Down CD. It's great, I particularly like how many of the songs have guitar solos in them. A friend of mine once said,"Dude, solos are dead, look at all the new bands, nobody solos anymore." Ahh but this friend forgets, the guitar solo is an integral part of rock. And rock as they say, never dies.

If there's any one song I can recommend from this CD, it's the song Away from the Sun. It's got great lyrics. Listen to it.

In other unrelated developements, just now I had a close call while driving. I was driving uphill, in 2nd, with the air cond on and Sum41 playing loudly in the car, when the car engine suddenly died. On any given day, this would have been rather dangerous (as well as embarassing) but to have it happen during rush hour traffic ? Max red-facedness and lots of people honking. And who can blame them.

I just noticed this entry doesn't have any real subject. Oh well...

But wait, more news. I got a thank you mail from Amy. Amy you're welcomed and it's so refreshing to get actual mail from real people instead of yet another penis enlargement advertisement. I'm glad I could contribute, even though I haven't really done much. I will try for sure.

And you, gentle reader, please visit Amy's Commune. I guarantee edification and enlightenment !

Sunday, April 04, 2004


I actually wanted to write about intimacy this evening. But then I found this at Amy's. It's more fun to read than whatever I was going to write. Try it.

by: Ariel Gore

Intimacy. The state of being intimate, innermost, essential. Honesty. Sexual relations, especially when illicit. Ability to make commitments to others, and to love. Erikson's sixth stage of human psychosocial development: intimacy vs. isolation.

But here's the catch: if you choose isolation, you will die.

And here's the reassurance on the heels of that warning: if you are reading these words, you have already chosen intimacy. There is a thread of passion between us. I am crouched here in the glow of my computer screen whispering, writing, fashioning my story. And you are listening. Maybe if I put my worst face forward, I can scare you away. I find sunsets boring. Housework? I never do my share. I don't own a hairbrush. Even small crowds make me nervous. Yes, you'll have to get used to my cussing. What possessed you to buy those shoes?

Look, I am mean. I am crazy, weak, bitter, and blind. No, wait. Come back. I can be courageous, too. And yes, I can even be kind.

Follow me. There's no need to mention the ripped screen door. I know, I've been meaning to fix it. Just keep walking. Come inside. I'll show you my unwritten books, nicotine withdrawal symptoms, scarred veins, the chemical remnants of antidepressants, my secret penchant for celebrity-gossip rags, the tattoo I had removed. And there's your jacket--the one you left on my floor last spring.

Hush, I already know there's a name for this, a diagnosis, a fitting song, a Web site, a 12-step program. But I don't want any of those things. I just want inside.

Maybe we can find a comfortable spot here between memory and possibility. We can pick things apart over warm sake. I'll pour yours if you'll pour mine. Can I get you anything? Put on a favorite song? I'm glad you came. Just, please, leave no more behind than you can help me sort through. Tell me your stories of unsimple suicides, severed relations, the tantrums you threw because you were too well fed. Show me the paths marked by acupuncture needles, the hole in your heart, the unnamed streets that cut a labyrinth through the subdivision of custom homes. We'll trace our way back through that neighborhood.

You'll forgive me, won't you, when your favorite songs make me cringe? They remind me why I left a long time ago. Put on something else and I'll follow you now. I'll wear white like the bright bone of my promise. I'll speak in whispers, wear blue and blend into the dawn. I'll walk tall, wear red so the blood won't show.

I won't be lying when I whisper, It's beautiful here.

I won't abuse the power if you won't.

I'll call your bluff if you'll call mine.

I'll trust you, even if you do not trust me.

Remember: if you choose isolation, you will die. But it's still tempting. Sign off, close the magazine, tell all our friends it was the other one who got scared.

I know we'll be back.

Here we'd imagined it was the fear of death that was driving us all these years. Should we be relieved or horrified to discover that it was in fact the fear of life? Of intimacy, intimus, within.

These interior cities and subways are earthly places. How long can we stay? I'll hold your hand if you'll hold mine.

Saturday, April 03, 2004

Guise will be Guise

It sucks. Not being able to blog from home. For one thing, cybercafes are loud places, where people (mostly annoying kids) play things like Ragnarok & Counterstrike. Writing to the sound of gunfire doesn't really help with coherency I can tell you that.

I was reading some stuff at Amy's Communal Blog and I read something quite interesting. Interesting as in interestingly true.

Kristie, she said that online, people tend to be less defensive and more open about themselves. She also said that the allure of being online is the instant intimacy, without the preamble and pick up lines and other maddeningly maddening mind games. She's right.

Read a person's weblog and you are seeing right into the persons life. There is potential to really know someone, maybe even more so if you were to meet the actual person in real life. It's about dropping your guise. For example, I have stuff here that I would never talk about with my friends face to face (except when we're drunk). I'm pretty sure many other bloggers feel this way.

So now, the question becomes why. Why is it so comfortable to write personal things on the net and have people comment on them ? I'm guessing that we all need someone to connect with, someone who can find our experiences and opinions relatable. And on the Net, people tend to get less judgemental, maybe because we can't see each other. And therefore cannot form any biases or prejudices based on our physical appearences.

Interesting subject isn't it ?

Now, excuse me I have to drive to work now. Have a nice weekend.

Friday, April 02, 2004

Guest Starring

This evening I'm doing a guest spot at Amy's. Come on by. I've never done this before. It's cool.

Like I said, it's great to be part of a community. And unlike the mIRC scene, you're less likely to find sexual predators and get stalked.

Also, I think maybe Amy should change the communal blog name to Amy's Roman Bath Houses of something like that.

So come on, go to Amy's Communal Blog. Enjoy !

Fear Itself

Been busy for a while. Running around and doing car-related stuff has been keeping me away from the internet lately.

I spent a big chunk of money on Tuesday. I wanted to get a CD-player for the car and ended up overhauling the entire audio system. Cost me more than a grand. It was worth it though, the Pioneer player and JBL speakers produced crystal clear sound at ten paces. Awesome !

Just now I also asked to join Amy's community blog. Posting on someone else's blog, now that would be an interesting experience. I hope I get a lot of cool ideas to write there.

If you guys haven't seen her blog, you should go check it out. She's great.

The other night, I was in my room playing Diablo2 when suddenly my mom went up and spoke to me. She told me that she and my dad were concerned about something. They were worried because I like to drive with my windows down. They told me that I should wind up the windows, because if my windows are down people can attack me and do bad things like throw acid in my face.

Okay, first of all I appreciate the concern and the advice. Secondly, if someone really wanted to hurt me while I'm driving, did it not occur to my parents that the impregnated glass window of the average automobile would not be able to cope with bullets, rockets, bricks, rocks and other projectiles hurled with great force ? But that's besides the point.

The real point here is that my parents (and a good number of other people) live in FEAR. They're always so worried that bad things would happen. I have a friend who will not drive to my house under any circumstances because "I live so far away" and she might get stopped by bandits along the way and get assaulted. Funny how some of my other girl friends live even further away and still come by the house....

Okay fine, we have to be careful right ? Take the precautions and make yourself as difficult a target for criminals, for example. I'm not saying that we should be reckless and go about our business willy-nilly without being careful but there is such a thing as being irrational.

What I'm going to say is that if you let irrational fear get in the way of your life, then the bad guys win. There's an episode in Angel where one of the characters (a police officer) told Angel this:-

"This guy could go to jail tomorrow, Angel, and still kill her in her dreams every night. I’ve put a few of these creeps away and the hardest thing is to know that he is still winning. She’s still afraid. He took her power away and no one can get it back for her but her.”

*The "she" in question is a victim of a stalker.

That's what I'm saying. If you've been victimised and you let that fear control you, the bad guys still win even if he/she's not around anymore. The only way is to fight and take back your life. Easy ? No, but the alternative is even worse. Think about it.

Gee I hoped that made sense.