Thursday, June 29, 2006

Gone Revisited

"Those who are born with the possession of knowledge are the highest class of men. Those who learn, and so readily get possession of knowledge, are the next. Those who are dull and stupid, and yet compass the learning, are another class next to these. As to those who are dull and stupid and yet do not learn; -- they are the lowest of the people."

- Confucius

It's very interesting to read back your old entries over the past one year. In my own case, I saw a progression of sorts, an evolution. Some parts of my life have progressed while some others, have regressed.

One of the posts I most vividly remember is this one written in January last year. It's very important to me because I made an important decision in that post. It was while writing that post that I decided to stop "trying" and forget about "it". I decided to stop lamenting about being alone and just quietly ride the "storm" so to speak.

Things have gotten a lot better for me since then.

When I read that post and other posts like that, it's quite strange in a way. And so different from the present. Only January 2005 and tonight, it felt like it was written a lifetime ago. So what has changed since then? Not much really.

At least not on the outside. What once was an overwhelming obsession, is now.... well, an afterthought really. It's a major change for me.

Ever since I wrote that post, I've been reading a lot about all kinds of things. I encounter websites like this one and this one. It makes me ask myself, why did I not take the initiative to look for answers when I needed it. I also wonder, if I had known the things I know now about myself years ago instead of now, would things be different?

Anyway, like I like to say, it's very eerie to read an article about something and see yourself in it. I've been having this feeling a lot over the last year or so. At the same time, it's such a relief to see your own issues laid out before you. The most important discovery was the so-called nice-guy issue that for the life of me, I never realized I had. As it turns out, I was never a genuinely nice person and I kind of deserved what I got. In a way, it's a good thing that I never managed to start a "successful" relationship. Imagine what kind of mess it would've been, what with all my unresolved issues and emotional baggage.

If only I had known ten years ago, heck TWO years ago, instead of now. If only.

I was going to write about this issue myself, in fact I did write about it before. But recently I read a reader comment from HBI that sums everything up quite nicely. It's so compelling, it'll be such a waste not to post it, both as a reminder for myself and hopefully for the benefit of readers. The comment is as follows:-

"I can kind of sympathize with the Nice Guy and his affliction. I was once kind of there myself nad it's a twisted little world. Maybe I can bring some insight into it, in the hope one of these poor souls might see the light. At the same time, it'll be therapeutic for me.

Here's how it works, for the most part: insecure guy with little self-esteem gets this idea that if only this one girl could be his (Yep, just like a sofa or T.V. can be yours) it will make him whole and worthy again and all will be good with the world. So he fosters all his attention on an unsuspecting girl who's being nice to him because she happens to be a nice person. At first, she might have some genuine interest in him, but he's so grabby and clingy she quickly runs away, leaving him broken-hearted and wondering (ALL TOGETHER): Why do nice guys never get the girl?

Well, for one thing, guys - and get this in your head - you're not in love with that girl. You're in love with the idea of being in love. You're also horny and lonely. There's nothing wrong with being horny and lonely, happens to the best of us. It becomes a problem when you don't face the issue head-on and won't even admit it to yourself - much less another person. You see, you can't possibly be in love with someone you're not at least trying to communicate openly with and there is no such thing as love at first sight (Lust at first sight, yes). Love takes time and communication. It is to be grown and nurtured like a garden. The garden will only grow in an nourishing athmosphere and will suffocate in the absence of absolute mutual freedom. In other words it cannot be rushed, nor forced. Nor can you predict with certainty if it will flourish. It is always a gamble. So grabbing on to a girl and saying: OH! Love me ! Love me ! We must fall in love! is terribly misguided (and creepy - it will nip your garden in the bud)

Also, one last thing - and this can't be stressed enough - looking for a girlfriend is not a full-time occupation. First, it will get you in a horribly self-defeating cycle and second, if having a girlfriend is all you ever think about, what on earth will you possibly talk about when you finally do get a woman to sit down with you for an hour? The weather?

Get a hobby. Exercise. HAVE A JOB. Get involve in stuff. Study a subject. Repair computers. Play an instrument. Read books. Whatever. Don't just sit around waiting for HER to magically appear and save you from your inner emptiness. Acquire substance.

Now, I know some of you guys are thinking: Oh, I get it... I'll get a hobby and make myself interesting and THEN, I'll get the girl, because I'll be in something. I wonder what girls are into these days?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no... Pursue something you are genuinely interested in. For yourself. In order to grow as a human being. Don't go around studying the Victoria Secrets catalogue figuring you can talk about that. She'll think you're gay. (Not that there's anything wrong with that... But that's not what you're trying to, here). You need to do something that will make you feel better about yourself and that will give you substance. And then, you'll realize you don't actually NEED another person to define you. Strangely enough, that's the only way you will reach a path to love. By rejecting its necessity. You may actually never fall in love in your life, maybe it's just not your destiny, but at least you'll be a whole person and you'll stop walking around beating yourself up.

And just one more thing: Please, please, please, for Heaven's sake, drugs and alcohol are neither an occupation nor a hobby. In fact, they will make you considerably less attractive. And the people you will attract are usually people you wouldn't want in your life. (I'm not talking about smoking a doob now and then and enjoying scotch - but don't ever make these things an occupation

Peace out. Cheers. Thanks for listening to my rant. God bless you all."

I know for a fact there are other people with the same issues described above. The same issues that wasted more than a decade of my own life.

I hope we all can learn what this. I sincerely hope this post will somehow save someone else 10-15 years of his/her life.

And so, have I decided to go back "in the game" so to speak. Am I ready to use my new knowledge and start trying to date again?

The answer is no.

Because one other thing I learnt is that a man needs to get his own shit together first before trying to meet someone else.

That's another very important lesson.

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