Sunday, November 13, 2005

Now and Then

This article caught my eye. It's about the notion of the good ole days. So was life really better then, back in the old days?

It's not really true, but it's a wonder how we always feel like it is.

I feel that too. I sigh and reminisce and speak fondly of the days when I was in school or in college. I always say that life was simpler then.

But when I honestly think about it? For most part, my early twenties and late teens were a living hell. And life being simple? It's only because I was more naive and my "world" was smaller then.

I think that's the reason why the past seems "nicer" somehow. When we were young, a lot of things we don't notice and think about. Everything that had anything to do with us was in our immediate surrounding. It wasn't the world that was simpler, it's us. We were.

I think that's true. At least for me it is.

I mean life is always complicated one way or another. It's all a matter of perception.

I think about it now and I find that nowadays, things are better. My life now is actually simpler than it was back when I was in college.

Sure I miss some of the things that I experienced then. But to be honest, I wouldn't go back there.

It was a confusing time, full of disappointment, frustration, loneliness and heartache. It was the height (or it is depth) of sadness and depression. I was very unhappy about nearly everything. And even worse than that, I felt I was completely useless, out of place and I had no self confidence at all.

Nope, the good ole days weren't so good for me I'm afraid.

Life is much better now. I do well at my job. I seem to have kicked the depression thing for now. I have many friends, enough in fact to barely have enough time for all of them. I make enough money for most of the things I need. I no longer feel bad about myself all the time (sometimes it comes back but now I know that it doesn't last).

It gets lonely sometimes, but I can deal with that now. At worse, I can go talk to someone about it. For a while now, it hasn't gotten to the point. I no longer measure myself with friends and family who have girlfriends and wives. I guess I no longer care so much and I guess part of why I was so desperate before was possibly because of my wanting to "be normal" and "measure up".

I can quite honestly say I've gotten over that and it doesn't matter all that much any more. It happens, cool. It doesn't,...*shrug*

It's not perfect by far, but I'm pretty satisfied with how things are going.

My only lingering regret is that it took me this long to get where I am now. Sometimes I catch myself asking,"If only..." If only I was more self assured, stronger. If only I was less dependant for the approval of other people, many of whom never had my best interest in mind. If only I knew what I wanted earlier?

What things I could have done? What people I could have met? Would I have had so many personal disasters?

How far would I have gone now? Where would I be?

But that's all water under the bridge now.

There will be days when I will drink with friends and we will speak of better, easier times and laugh about how stupid we were. But in the back of my head, I'll remember how grateful I am that things have changed since then.

Or should I say how I have changed...

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