Changes Redux

Sometimes I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I can’t help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear take the wheel and steer
It's driven me before,
it seems to have a vague haunting mass appeal
Lately I'm beginning to find that I should be the one behind the wheel

- ‘Drive’ – Incubus, Make Yourself
___________

I actually have writer’s block today ! I had today’s post all figured out and now I’ve been sitting in front of this PC for the better part of an hour and I haven’t written a damned thing. Or rather I’ve written a whole lot, only to find myself stumped and starting over.

I posted about a new job offer a few weeks ago. I’ve sent in my resume & certs and am now simply waiting here for them to call for an interview. I’m quite nervous about this actually.

No I’m not nervous about the interview. I interview quite well, and I’m quite confident that if given the chance to speak I would give them enough reason to take me. I’m actually fearful about leaving my current work. Not only that I’m nervous about the possibility of moving, albeit temporarily to a new location to train, if I should get the job that is.

I very nearly didn’t apply, even though this would actually present a big advancement, career-wise for me. Now, why am I so frightened ? I feel the fear but when I think about this objectively I can’t find a good reason.

No wait. I do know what I’m afraid of.

I'm afraid of change. Despite the change being for the better, I'm still afraid of it.

If I leave my job now, I would be venturing into uncharted territory. I’d be leaving the familiar. As much as I’d like to travel, I don’t feel like living outside of Kuching for any significant amount of time.

That’s always been my problem. I like to be surrounded by familiar things. By my friends. By the sights & sounds of my city. I like to keep a routine. Anytime there’s a change, it triggers a negative reaction. Somehow if things change, I feel threatened. And yet, I complain that things are dull and never change.

A walking contradiction ? I most definitely am. The things I want and the things I “want” are never the same.

I’ve made my decision though. I’ve decided to try for the new job. If I get offered, I’d go wherever it takes me. It’s scary, it’s rattling my nerves but at the same time I’m kind of excited and hopeful. At this stage of life, I can’t afford to be sentimental. It's time for me to put my head down and try make some changes. It's time to expand my horizons, to find out for sure whether there really is something more to life than what I have now.

Will it happen ? Will I be disappointed again ? Will this chance disappear like so many other things in the past ? I don't know.

If I let my fears dictate my actions (again), I’ll never know.

It’s time to take the wheel.