Trying Not to Try Too Hard

don't look too hard for what you want
cause it could be on the tip of your tongue
you're holding back like there's nothing left to it
could this be a false alarm

- 'Failure's Not Flattering' - New Found Glory, Catalyst

The heart feels. It doesn't think. It doesn't care about consequence. It wants. It wants despite knowing what it wants is not a good thing. It tries. Often too hard and with such intensity that it scares away what it wants. In wanting too much, the heart risks not having at all.

If were to follow what my heart wants right now, I'd call incessantly. I'd go and find excuses to see & meet and choke the life of what may be a good relationship. I'd make puppy dog eyes and follow her everywhere, like a shadow and making her life miserable.

The heart, needs the mind to temper it. To control and to calm down.

No heart, you can't have what you want. No No No. Why ? Because if you have what you want now, you might not have later. If you wait and have later, maybe you'l have forever.

Now what the hell is that all about ?

It's me. I'm getting very infatuated with a certain person. If you read previous entries, you'll know who it is. I'm having a difficult time trying to not call or message or go see her after work. If I follow my wants right now, I'll blow this. I'm infatuated but I know that's just the loneliness talking.

Can't follow heart. Must think rationally. I don't want to scare her. I want to be friends. I don't want this to be yet another chapter for A Collection of Mac's Sob Stories Vol 47.

Why don't I want to follow my heart and say potentially embarassing things to her ? Because I've been here before. I've followed my heart and blurted out and destroyed potentially good relationships. Ain't gonna happen this time. This time, I want to know her really well first. I have to know if there is any potential for this to go beyond what it is now, or what it will be in the near future. Most importantly, I have to know whether she actually LIKES me. Strangely, most infatuated people NEVER factor that in (I used to mess this one up all the time).

I realize I'm sounding really stupid here. But I need to let this out, otherwise it will eat away at me the whole day. I'll end up breaking down and I'll say and do things that I shouldn't. And as usual, I'll regret that.

I'm fighting myself for control of my own actions. Am I making a mistake ? Should I just follow my heart or should I rein myself in and slow down ? How much control can I exercise before it kills the spontaneity of a good relationship ?

So many questions. And this post, so little point...

There, I feel better now.