Cause & Effect

I'm bored & exhausted & broke. Yes I'm broke. That Esther episode really was draining. On my finances (excess partying, but that's all my fault really), my mind & my emotions which until last month had more less remained dormant.

Once again, I find myself wanting to stay away from potential romantic liasons. They never end well if you're me, but I guess I should have known that. But no regrets here. At least I tried and failed honestly, without doing the usual shooting-my-self-in-the-foot thing and the acting-like-an-imbecile-in-public thing.

I think I may have isolated another cause for my love-life problems (or lack thereof in this case). I keep going after the wrong women. Invariably, the women I do end up liking intensely will end up not liking me the same, regardless of the effort. The women I usually like (like Esther, for example) tend to gravitate to men who are more outgoing and sociable. They like men who are more 'fun' & outwardly exciting. Men who make good first impressions, especially physically. In other words, women whom I like usually like to see things in a man that I, unfortunately don't have or am not.

I'm not outgoing nor am I very sociable. I'm never the life of a party. I don't have an outwardly obvious sense of humor. I don't have much of a physical presence and most definitely my first impressions are usually lukewarm & ordinary at best. Therefore maybe I shouldn't try to be any of the above.

So what should I do ? What do I have that a woman would like ? Come to think of it, I've always been concerned about characteristics that I DON'T have. What about what I actually DO have ? Who am I to a stranger ? What does she see when she sees me ? And what SHOULD she see that would make a nice impression ?

Well, this is entirely subjective isn't it ? I mean half the time most average people don't even know what they want exactly. Knowing myself, I should know.

I don't get many compliments from women but (and I risk sounding pretentious here) the most consistent compliments I get is that I LISTEN well. That I'm nice to talk with. That I'm considerate (this was before the jaded-&-cynical phase, which I hope has passed).

As you can see, I don't have much to go with. How many women in Kuching will be IMPRESSED by that eh ? It sucks to be Joe Regular (a short bespectacled one at that).

The whole point of this post is that I should stop trying be what I can never be. And I'm not posting this to be mopy and sad. Or to garner sympathy.

I just needed to see it in writing that's all.

And what is my realistic conclusion ? I could get lucky, but as you can see the operative word here is LUCK.