Comfort At Last

I'm having a long, hard week. Work's been especially heavy and if it weren't for the fact that I really need the overtime I would be so distressed by now. I only have one full day off this week till Saturday. Next week I'm going to refuse any offers for overtime. I could use some rest, straighten things out and see all my friends again.

On top of that, there's the emotional upheaval that I'm going through. Of course if you read my blog you'll know that.

Ahh yes the emotional upheaval. Despite the hair-tearing frustration, the anxiety attacks and the irrational thoughts I'm quite relieved to know that The Olde Ticker can still feel. I went through a period before that where I genuinely thought that I was no longer capable of feeling affection and falling in love. Recent events have proven otherwise, I note happily. I'm still human !

The infatuation is gone. I knew it ! I knew all those weird things I've been thinking, feeling and saying were somehow hormone related. Today, I didn't have an overwhelming urge to call or message her. I didn't spend all day thinking about what-if & worst-case/best-case scenarios (thanks in part to the amazing distracting powers of Doom 3. That game rocks !!). I'm back to living in the present as opposed to envisioning a F*******-induced post-apocalyptic future. I think my feelings for her are changing....

I went to see F** on Monday night. I didn't feel nervous. I didn't feel the so-called butterflies-in-the-stomach before I see her. I didn't feel the need to watch what I say. I wasn't consumed by the fear of screwing up in front of her. I didn't bother asking whether she would be spooked by me or the things that I did. I felt absolutely fine. Okay, there was that little twinge of anxiety but I figured this kind of thing is normal if you're going to see someone you really, really like. It's been so long, I've forgotten what it's like to be attracted to someobody.

Monday night was hectic, but in a good way. Leon came over to hang with me there too, possibly to provide moral support I think. And so did Angelie & Susan. We had a great time. Except that Leon backed into another car while reversing out of the parking lot and ended up paying for damages. But that's another different and less fun story. Everyone went home after that and me & F** went somewhere to cool off and chat.

Infatuation is one thing. Genuine interest is another. Isn't it ? Sure infatuation is necessary to get somethings started but it IS temporary. Isn't it ? I'm not sure but I hope so.

Last night I went to see her again. And again, no fear and no anxiety attack. Instead I felt a little excited. We were both still tired from last night's partying and so it was a pretty quiet night. She was dressed really simply, just jeans & a plain, faded orange & white t-shirt. But she looked so good.

Nothing much happened. We spent the whole evening just talking. And when we didn't talk she would saunter off the chat with her colleagues and mix drinks while I just sat and chilled out. And if she didn't do that, we'd just sit at the bar and talked some more. And sometimes we just sat and didn't say anything. We just sat.

In many ways, it was the best night ever. I can't really figure out why but it was. I guess it was nice because we both are getting really comfortable seeing each other. What does she feel ? I don't know.

I don't know a lot of things. I still don't know what she feels about me or who am I to her. I still don't know whether this whole thing is going to be just this or something else. The questions are still the same mostly. But I don't worry about it as much now. F** is nice and I enjoy her company. I can only hope she's enjoying my attention too.

More questions. Will the weird feelings and anxiety attack come back ? Will I put up more pathetic sappy posts about F** ? Or any other woman for that matter ? Oh yes most definitely. I'm only human. I'm not immune to my emotions.

I've decided to tell F** what I feel. Not now but soon. As soon as the time is right. As soon as that happens, the ball will be in her half. She'll decide. Whatever happens, at least we'll both know that I'm sincere and my intentions are nothing but good.

For now, I'll just enjoy being around her.

One more thing. Have you ever heard about how some people will pickup someone's natural scent when they're attracted to that person ?

F****** smells sweet. No, she wasn't wearing perfume.