Sunday, January 01, 2006

I Want To...

2005. Strange year that one was.

For once in my 32 going on 33 years, I bring in the new year with totally no regret whatsoever. In 2005, I did not do or say anything that would haunt me for the rest of my life.

For once, I managed to walk the minefield of life without blowing my limbs off.

At least I hope not. I hope I didn't hurt anyone permanently or caused any kind of damage. I most certainly hope I didn't unknowingly sow the seeds of doom that will come back to bite me when I try to do things in the future. I can't help it, I have this feeling that I messed up something somewhere. Those mistakes are the worse ones, the ones you can't see.

Trepidation and some anxiety. Not the best way to face a new year yes?

That's the thing. With me, you just can't be sure. You cannot know. There is no way to tell whether the Fates has had enough of making me a laughing stock. I cannot say I won't torpedo myself by making a potentially fatal mistake. So I brace myself for storm and strife. Outside and inside. Anyway....

2005 was a good year. I'm grateful for that. I fixed a lot of damage. I changed, I think and I hope it's not just me being delusional. I rallied and straightened myself out. I learnt not to wholly depend on others' opinions to evaluate myself. I learnt to be comfortable with being alone and single. A little too comfortable maybe.

There is still so much more to repair. So much more things to learn and get right. Heh, I should've been here 10 years ago while I was in my prime. But, no matter. Water under bridge.

I have made resolutions before. Most of the time I keep them to myself and as usual with these things, I never see them through. Except the last couple of years. I'm happy about that.

And so this year, I want to be a little nicer. I want to be able to control my reactions to my own emotions better instead of the other way around. This year, I want to continue to look outwards instead of looking inwards. I want to do well at work and to continue to stay out of trouble.

I want to open up again to the possibility of relationship. This is going to be difficult to do. I've grown too defensive, too accustomed to shutting my self down the minute I get curious about it. I want to be brave enough to take chances again. I want to be able to risk getting blown to pieces and shot down in flames without spiralling into the pits of depression.

This, at the current moment is nigh on impossible for me to even contemplate. Pain is a hard thing to face. But I have it written down here and maybe that will push me in the right direction. Or is that the wrong direction?

Who knows?

2006 should be an interesting year. Here's to hoping it will be.

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