Red

There's an article I noticed recently in the paper, I can't remember which one. Something to do with rude drivers having low emotional maturity. That was an interesting article.

Emotional maturity. That's an interesting concept. I haven't found any definitions, but I think part of emotional maturity is the ability the reign in and control emotions. Or perhaps the degree of control emotions have over a person.

Which brings me to the point of this post. This is a very rare moment these days. Totally of the cuff rant from me. This is going to be freestyle posting, with no thought, no filtering and no planning. So if it sounds biased or whatever, sorry about that then.

It's more of a confession than a rant actually.

Last night, I had a very bad argument with somebody. But the argument is not the point. The point is something that I noticed about myself. Something distressing. And no, it's not me being emo again.

Last night's argument should not have happened. In fact, two years ago, when I was a pathetic depressed whiny bastard, it wouldn't have. I wouldn't be able to muster enough anger for it.

Last night I was able to. And this morning, I got really upset at an innocuous support call. I know people don't call to annoy me, they call because they need help. And yet, even knowing that, I very nearly lost it.

In the last 24 hours, I have been losing my temper MUCH too fast. I'm beginning to turn into something I detest.

Dammit. I have no idea why.

In my entire life, I have never ever thought that I could have trouble with temper because that's just not me. I don't get pissed off. Period. Or at least it's always in control. Anger was never a problem.

This is just great, while I grapple with one demon, along comes reinforcements. This is a good joke heh?

Anyway, I need to do something about this before I inadvertently destroy myself, my friends, my family, my career etc. I can't afford to lose any of it. I need to calm down.

I'm concerned about this. I'm a lot of things, but one of those things that I don't want to become is a person who flies off the handle with the slightest provocation, for no good reason at all. I don't like that, in the people I'm with and most of all in myself.

I hate anger. Anger destroys. I don't want it any more than random episodes of depression. I don't like it when people get angry (especially suddenly and without reason) and here I am, in danger of becoming exactly that. What the hell??

I'm going to have to force myself to be calm, to be rational, no matter what kind of provocation I encounter. This is what I need to do today.

No matter what things I hear or what people say. Whoever can accuse me whatever they want, they can say how screwed up I am, I'm going to try my hardest to deal with that without losing my temper.

Dammit, being mad sucks!

Barbarian Invasion!!

Attention: Game related post

Amazing how early one can wake up with the right kind of motivation. This morning I woke up at 4.00am. Why the hell would I do that?

Because by 4.00am, my RTW: Barbarian Invasion ISO image download was completed, that's why.

Last night, I was on the Net when i came upon a RTW:BI torrent file. The full one, not the demo. I immediately downloaded it. The thing is, the game isn't supposed to be out until today. I wonder who managed to get it early..

Uploaded the ISO image onto my Daemon tools, ran the installation and ran the game without a hitch.

So far the game has impressed. The world map is slightly different. There's religion in the game now, Catholicism, Aryanism, various pagan religions, Zoroastrianism. Very important factor to determine population loyalties. Choose to be tolerant or hardline, up to the player.

The interface is nicer looking. Darker, reflecting the rather chaotic period in the game. The game is set to start at 361AD (I think). This is after the Roman Emperor Diocletian split the Roman empire into two halves and when the so-called barbarian migrations began. The Old World is in upheaval. The Classical Age is about to end and the Dark Ages is about to begin.

A good setting for a brutally violent strategy game.

I started a game as the Huns, which was interesting, because they start as a nomadic horde. As a horde, I have the option to keep moving until I see a city I want to take. Another extra option is what happens after one of my horde armies capture the city. I could occupy it and settle, or I could sack it for loot and move on.

And talking about battles, the AI can fight now. No more dumb mistakes. No more suicidal charges. I actually got beaten in open battle, an impossible thing before BI. I saw the AI use horse archers just like I would. It was amazing. You had to be there.

In sieges, the AI can defend properly now. It will try to plug gaps in the wall where my battering ram is and tried to push out my attacking troops instead of marching back and forth while my archers shoot them to pieces. Inside the city, the AI now stands fast and fights hard. It actually tries to reinforce crisis points and tries to flank me. Some of its defensive tricks are the same ones I use!

It was so much fun! Finally a challenge!

I can’t wait to see what else the game has in store. Oh yes, I have noticed one thing about barbarian factions. They can horde, meaning to say that if you take their last town, they uproot completely and turn into vast horde armies that can either counterattack immediately or migrate to some other place. That means that barbarians will be difficult to eliminate, unlike before.

Makes for some interesting strategic possibilities.

I’m going to start a proper game later, but I still don’t know what faction to play. Do I want to be civilised or do I want to be barbarian? If I take Romans, do I stay Christian or I do go back to the Roman gods? If I play barbarian, do I settle down at the edges of civilisation and build up slowly or do I stay as a horde and pillage my way into Rome?

So many possibilities!

Offline Vacation

Originally, I had wanted to write about how I've been offline lately and that it's good to be away from blogging once in a while. You know, like I planned it like that or something.

But who am I kidding. The truth is, I didn't have anything to write about and that's why I haven't been on.

Accident or not, it was a timely breather.

This week was an improvement over last week. I went out for a movie with friends on Tuesday evening. Watched Flightplan. Not bad. Jodie Foster is always impressive whatever she does. Also, always interesting to watch Sean Bean not being evil.

A decent enough movie, but I didn't really like the final act.

Last night I was supposed to join the same bunch of friends for dinner again, unfortunately I had to go and fix a computer instead.

Now I'm at work. The shifts are about to change in a week or so. I'll be free on Saturdays again. This also means that the final quarter is almost here. The year is about to end again.

I say this every year, but damn, time flies doesn't it? Soon, it'll be December again and Christmas. And New Year's Eve and me getting older. The same thing every year, except maybe this year the me getting older part doesn't really bother me much anymore.

I hope good things happen in the final months of the year. I have a feeling it's going to be ok, less bluesy than previous years. I'll be looking forward to it.

I don't really have much else to write about.

RTW: Barbarian Invasion is coming out real soon. I can't wait for that. All the good games are coming out in October. And there are movies I'm looking forward to watching.

October is going to be a good month.

Levelling Off

I forgot to charge my phone and now it's dead. Silly me.

And talking about silly, my neighbour, who isn't the sharpest nail in the barrel, asked me for help with his internet connection. Apparently, he disconnected his Streamyx account and was using someone else's account. Today he couldn't connect. It's probably because the account's password has been changed but he wasn't buying it. It's hard to help people like that.

Still, he's a decent fellow and I'd like to keep good relations with him. See, he sells handphones and if I'm nice to him, I might be able to score a nice one from him at cut price. It just occured to me that I have money to buy a new phone. Should I?

I think I better buy a new wallet first. My current one is falling apart. Really falling apart.

Tonight is my last night of work this rotation. What a relief that is. Talking about work, Ramadhan is coming and that means I have to come in one hour early until Raya (Eid). That also means I get to go one hour early.

I remember when I was using the company transport. Since they come to pick me up early, I had to get out of the house at 4.45am. That was hard. But now I have a car, so it's not too bad anymore. Unfortunately, since I start so early, I can't have breakfast at my favourite stall since they open after 6.

I hope to be off work during Raya. I haven't been free during Raya in a long, long time (I think). Festivals are nice. Regardless of what festival it is, I get to celebrate it. One perk of having a big, extended, multicultural family.

My relations with my relatives aren't very good right now, since we're scattered all over the country and don't get to see each other a lot. Must do something about that.

I feel very, very calm today. I think my relapse has.....lapsed. As usual, I'm thinking what all the fuss was about. I'm handling it, but sometimes, when I do get like that, I slip. Must remember not to slip.

The search for balance will continue. Looking at the big picture it's getting better, I'm getiing better. I just wish I could progress faster, you know? And without the occasional slipping into bouts of melancholy, if possible.

Tomorrow I'm off and I already have another appointment to go to. Someone needs help setting up a DSL modem.

Reform Regroup

After the madness of yesterday's post, I went home as I usually do after work. On the drive home, I felt a little better. The lack of traffic and the smooth drive helped a lot.

I powered up my PC, went on the net for a bit, went to search for stuff on Torrentspy (and not find anything worthwhile), checked out the Total War forum and had something to eat. I played with the cat a bit. She caught a lizard this morning.

I felt better.

I also thought about these relapses I keep having. I thought about all kinds of reasons why I keep having them. Is it something hardcoded or is it just bad attitude on my part? As usual, I can't seem to figure it out.

I think I'm just going to have to accept that some parts of personality just cannot be changed or removed. I've tried to be the opposite and be cheery and outwardly positive (like a colleague of mine who doesn't seem to be upset with anything at all) but it just made me feel awkward and false.

I also note that my lapses are not caused by being lonely or being single or anything like that. Being by myself isn't what bothers me apparently. So, I figured out something new here. Not being in a relationship isn't a trigger. At least it doesn't look like it.

Knowing that, maybe it's best that I don't get involve with anyone right now, not until I find a way to avoid being gloomy like I can get sometimes. Not until I find a cure or something to make myself better. I can't possibly expect my "significant other" to deal with this kind of shit. I need to pull together before I can do justice to the kind of relationship that I want.

I hate to impose. I hope I haven't. So, no girls until I pull myself together and sort everything out.

I thought about some other things this morning, while I was playing my new Total War campaign. Scythian faction, Very Hard setting. Yes, it's hard. At one point, I thought I was going to lose and be wiped off the map by the Thracians, Parthians, Dacians and Romans. I was at war with all of them and I had little money to build improvements or replace combat losses. But I somehow pulled off a revival, pushed Thrace back and am holding out against the rest.

Sorry, digression there.

What was I saying? Oh yes. Thoughts. People change yes? And most of these changes are for good yes? Apparently not all the changes are good.

When I was younger, I was a lot sadder than I am now. I was also a lot less angry. I'm a lot better now, but I've noticed that I get mad a lot faster now. Fortunately, I'm pretty good at suppressing it. But being mad isn't very good at all.

There you go, another bit of poison to detoxify. So what do we have now in our list?

- Excessive pessimism/lack of confidence.
- Being judgmental.
- Depression relapses.
- Worsening temper.
- Lack of urgency.

These are the things I need to eliminate\control.

I also need to learn to be emotionally self-sufficient. I think I'm too dependent on other people for my emotional well being. And what happens when we depend on other people? That's right, we get stomped. I must learn not to react too much to what other people say, especially people who are callous and inconsiderate with the things that they say.

This unfortunately, includes some members of the household. But we're not talking about that now.

So that's another thing.

Now that I got everything written down and posted in a public domain, I hope I can do something about all of it.

Thank you.

Possible Call For Help

I attempted to write a long, self analytical post just now. It didn't turn out very well. All I can say to that is, damn my lack of eloquence.

In my case, being excessively introspective is not good at all. Rather than thinking too much, I think I'll just say whatever, you know? So...

A few months ago (or was that a few weeks ago, I can't remember which) I said I was going to put myself through a detox program to remove all the crap that bothers me about myself. Lots of soul searching.

That includes removing or dealing with things like my natural tendency to think of the worst possible thing that could happen in whatever it is I'm doing and embracing that thought. It's a bad habit, being pessimistic all the time.

I'm finding it impossible to deal with.

I keep thinking that if I were to be anything other than pessimistic, then I'm being delusional. I have optimism guilt. I have no idea how I became like that. Unfortunately, I also don't know how to get rid of that guilty feeling. It's stupid and exasperating and I KNOW for a fact that it will make itself obvious in whatever I do or say, thus creating the "self-fulfilling prophecy" effect.

I'm stuck in a loop of perpetual victimhood, dooming myself to failure in whatever risky thing that I do. Of course, repeated failures will obviously result in my self-esteem going down again, thus making me more pessimistic. See the loop?

How do I get out of this?

At the risk of sounding very, very lame, I'll be upfront about this and say that I need some help here. This is a good time for some encouragement. I need to hear it with my own two ears, someone else telling me that I'm not a basketcase or a doormat and that I'm not totally useless nor am I always the loser I feel I am. I try to do this myself but my darker side always tells me that I'm just fooling myself. I can't do it by myself. Period.

I don't want to hear anymore condemnation and snide remarks. I can do that all by myself and do a real bang up job at ruining my own mood.

I'm tired of having a really low opinion of myself and I'm sick of feeling like I'm being too proud when I do go and do something good/right. I want it to stop. I want this to be completely lasered off my personality. I want to feel like it's ok for me to be anything other than low.

I have thought long and hard and it cannot be true. I can't be as useless as I feel I am. I can't always be wrong and not everything is my fault. I can't be 90% flaw and 10% virtue like I feel I am. It can't be. I feel like I'm always beating myself up, but for what?

And yet, even knowing this, I can't stop. What do I do? It's obvious, like from yesterday's episode and many other situations, that something is broken somewhere. For the sake of myself and everyone else around me, I need it fixed. But how?

Is there a way out?

Thankfully, everything else is okay. I try hard and lately, I've been less iritable and feel less pressure at work. I've been less judgemental and I've been less angry about things. Except the thing above of course.

More things I need to work out, including the thing this post is about. In the end, I hope it'll be alright and that in the end, I can find real balance and real peace and quiet. You know, like normal people.

Until then, wish me some luck.

Nothing Too Important Here

Some random things.

I don't particularly like Adam Sandler.

I think he plays his Waterboy character a little too much. Same character, different names. I didn't even bother watching 50 First Dates. I much prefer his Happy Gilmore character.

Even so, I found The Longest Yard a lot of fun. This movie is pretty decent, partially because I'm a sucker for sports related movies. I think he did well here, along with everyone else.

Also, it's got Chris Rock and Burt Reynolds. And Steve Austin and Goldberg. And Nelly.

Add grid iron football, inmates and prison wardens into the mix and you get a lot of fun. I haven't seen a movie that I could describe as fun in a long while. Just remember to leave your brain at the door and don't take it too seriously.

Taking things too seriously. A surefire way to see things the wrong way and spoil it for yourself (and sometimes for everyone else). I should know that. In fact I do. And yet, I forget not to.

This next section is for gamers, especially Total War fans.

I can't wait for Rome Total War:Barbarian Invasion to come out. It will be available on 27th of September. For those who are interested, go to IGN.com and watch the trailers. Unbelievable.

There are four trailers. I loved the Hun teaser trailer especially. It made the hair on the back my neck stand up. All those horses....

Plus, this add-on will patch my current version up to 1.3 and hopefully reduce some bugs and maybe add some features. I shudder to think what the next Total War game would be, since Creative Assembly has said that they are continuing the franchise.

While I wait for the game to come out, I'm thinking about what faction should I play. The Franks? Romans? Saxons? Byzantine? Huns? Goths? I think it'll be so much fun to begin playing as any one of the hording barbarian factions, since they start as several nomadic armies (The Horde) and don't own any settlements.

In order to settle down and build, I'll need to go to war and take a city from someone. Preferably a large, rich city. Poor Romans, looks like Rome is going to get sacked. Again.

Right now, I am at work. As usual, I'm here only by contractual obligation as well as an obligation to earn money to support myself. Now that I've said that out loud, I feel a little better.

What else?

It rained like hell just now. The winds were so strong it was raining sideways. This isn't normal.

I feel kinda crappy today. I'm not quite sure why. It's probably nothing. I hate how, among other things, feeling under the weather makes me feel persecuted and that everyone either hates me or is out to get me or both.

Normally, this would be time for me to take it seriously why is that so. But since I'm now aware of this tendency to think very negatively, it's probably just me today and it's not true at all. Not everyone hates me and no one is out to get me. I hope.

But really, being hated/disliked is very saddening and I can't stand the thought of it. It just kills me, especially when I get like this, to speculate about the reason why. I just can't handle it.

Ahh. It's probably nothing. This'll go away in the morning. I hope.

I need to go. I have to fiddle with this new shiny notebook we got that has Wi-Fi network connection set up for it. That should be fun. I hope.

Friends

Today I did... absolutely nothing at all. Except sleep and play games. And read a little. It's getting quite hard to pry myself away from the PC nowadays.

So I decided to do just that. I went to see some friends whom I haven't hung out with for quite a while, at least a month.

This bunch of friends are not the same as my other bunch of friends. In fact, they are very, very different from me. I spend a lot of times around computers. These guys don't. They're more into more physical things like cars and football and WWE. I speak English a lot. These guys don't.

We're so different. I'm the geek and they're the tough, swaggery guys. And yet, we're still friends. Not mere "acquaintances". One of them go back to the days when I was in school. I know him for 15 years at least.

These bunch of friends help put things in perspective and keep me earthbound. They help me realize that life is a lot more than what I see in front of me. And that is a good thing.

In many ways, their lives are harder than mine. In some other ways, their lives are easier.

It's always good to have friends who are the same as you are, keep the same interests, see the same perspective, back you up when you need backing up. But sometimes, real good friends are those who are totally different from us. Like these guys. We make strange company. But good company, it definitely is.

The important thing is not to judge and to keep an open mind. To agree to be different and to listen to each other's stories. To accept that we are different and not to impose ourselves. We could learn a lot from people who are not the same, that we disagree with even. Just need to remember, not all disagreements are personal. Not every difference is contentious. "Different" isn't always "wrong".

That is a good thing to remember.

Despite all the complaints and rants and dissatisfaction I express with living and life, at least I have good friends. I just wish that there were more hours in the day (not to mention matching schedules) so that I can hang out with all of them.

The one thing that I have in abundance is good company. I hope I never take that for granted.

A Blog Post about Blogging

Apparently, according to a survey released by AOL, blogging is therapeutic. I can't help it but think,"Duhhh..." but I think I may be biased because one of the reasons for my own blogging is therapy.

Therapy by blogging. It works, that much I know.

There's lots of reasons why people blog nowadays, especially considering how trendy it is becoming. Of all the reasons, one of the reasons that I don't quite agree with is that some people out there would undoubtedly start blogging to be famous and get thousands of hits a day. Blogging for hits seems insincere somehow.

It's like those people with Friendster accounts who trawl for "friends" so that they can be known as the Friendster user with the most number of friends. I mean, I've seen Friendster users with THREE full accounts. I seriously doubt that they're THAT friendly, or that they know all those "friends" of theirs. I don't know, it seems like she's abusing the facility and turning what is a good idea in the first place into some kind of competitive sport. Imagine that, competitive "friend" making. How would that look in the Olympics you wonder.

Same goes for blogging for hits. I'd like to think that the point of blogging is not how many visitors you get, at least not the major point. But, it's a free Internet and I guess people can do whatever they want, even competitive blogging.

I'm not begruding bloggerbrities (it's a new word I'm trying out since I read it somewhere a few days ago). I've already mentioned it before and I'll say it again, bloggers who write well and have good blogs deserve their number of hits and their resultant fame. That's always cool. Makes the rest of us bloggers "trendier" and with that, less chance of being picked on by muscleheads who think computers are only for geeks who can't get chicks/guys.

I have a thought. Remember the movie You Got Mail? I liked it.

Well, since blogging and blogs are increasingly popular, how long would it be before someone makes a movie about bloggers and blogging. Someone should tell Yasmin Ahmad to rustle up a screenplay. It'll be interesting to see what kind of story it would be.

I can imagine that it would probably be some kind of romantic movie, or a comedy.

In other news, Lim Kit Siang has a blog. Most Malaysian bloggers would probably know about this by now. But think about this. Here we have the lead Opposition MP blogging and allowing people to leave comments. Which means that regular people can talk and ask questions to him DIRECTLY without needing to make an appointment and going through protocol. Provided that he actually reads all the comments of course.

Talk about hands on. Talk about brave, considering the potential amount of crap he would get from trolls.

I know of another MP who has a blog, an UMNO backbencher. I don't know where I put the link. I'll post it when I find it. The last time I went, it was mostly transcripts of speeches though so don't get your hopes up.

I think blogs by famous people are intriguing, provided that they actually write blog entries instead of just using their blog as a place to announce concert dates, movie premieres and political functions. If it is a proper blog, it gives some insight into how they think and what they really are as opposed to the public image that we see. It makes them more, human.

I think that's a good thing.

Whatever it is, one thing is for sure. This blogging thingie is getting pretty big. I'm pleased to be a part of it.

An Independence Day Address

It is now 8.30pm on Malaysia Day. So far, everything is as quiet as I expected it. No fanfare whatsoever. I haven't watched TV nor have I turned on the radio so I don't know if Malaysia Day is being mentioned. I could be mistaken, but today is turning out just like any other regular day.

I went to check out the two biggest national dailies, and all I could find were two articles, here and here.

I guess us "over here" really don't matter all that much to the powers that be huh? I know this would be how it is, but it's disappointing all the same. I sometimes feel that we here in the east are...what's the phrase?

Dianaktirikan. Neglected. The date that's so significant, yet not even worth a mention anywhere. You'd think the government would at least talk about remembering it. But no.

When Cabinet minister rep from our side of the country brings up the fact that Malaysia (as opposed to Malaya) is officially 42 years old and not 48, he is told to shut up and put up. Jangan mempersoalkan (do not question), they tell him. Poor uncle Maximus. So, I guess it's okay in federal circles to insult and demean a Cabinet minister (who happens to be incharge of the Unity and Integration portfolio) from Sabah and dismiss his argument. What does this tell you?

It's fine. Us East Malaysians are used to being insulted like that.

Jangan mempersoalkan. I hear that phrase thrown around so much by people in the government. Well, let me menyoal. If we are not allowed to mempersoalkan (question) so many things, how in hell are we, the people of this freaking country, ever going to learn anything at all. What if we want to know why the government does what it does, are we going to be told to shut up too?

I think it's fear. I think a lot of people in government don't have the balls to deal with "difficult" issues, so the stock answer is jangan mempersoalkan. Just shut up and accept.

Well, what if I say I won't accept that kind of cop-out rank pulling. I want to mempersoalkan a hell lot of things. And you know what I want? I want a government that will answer my soalan and that of others too instead of telling us to shut up. I know. That won't happen in quite a while.

I know, I know, this rant is pointless. What am I? Just another faceless citizen in the forgotten and misunderstood state of Sarawak. What can I do?

Jangan mempersoalkan? Since when have I ever stopped questioning authority?

So, I will keep laughing at and keep heckling dumb politicians who have no clue what they are talking about and yes, I will keep bringing this up, year after year after year as long as the federal government doesn't acknowledge certain facts about us here in Sarawak and Sabah and doesn't do anything to correct and reconcile our different histories.

At least around local blog circles, people actually remember. At least I can take comfort that common, regular people from both sides of the country remember 16th September and what it means. At least I know bloggers aren't as insensitive as the government can be.

Even though it doesn't seem to mean a whole damn much officially.

Have a nice 42nd Malaysia Day everyone.

For some of us, it's forty two...

...not forty eight. The government seems to want us to shut up about it, but I think it's important to remember that this country was created today in 1963, not 1957.

Either way, it's ok with me. The government wants us to accept the "official" independence day on 31st of August, fine.

As long as we never forget that 16th September is important too.

From Wikipedia, under the section Malaysia:History :-

"A new federation under the name of Malaysia was formed on September 16, 1963 through a merging of the Federation of Malaya and the British crown colonies of Singapore (which left in 1965), North Borneo (renamed Sabah), and Sarawak, the latter two colonies being on the island of Borneo."

*emphasis added by me.

We're very different from each other, east and west. Different races. Different culture and different customs. Even have different histories. But that does not mean that we're not one country. Doesn't mean that we can't be united. Doesn't mean one is better that the other.

No matter how hard some people try to change that.

Sept. 16, 1963. Remember.

Brighter\Cleaner

The new template, I must say, is very, very easy on the eyes. A big change from the old one. From dark to light. I hope visitors will like it.

Well, I guess this blog is here to stay, embarassing as some of the old stuff may be. I think I need to live with that. I wrote those things and at the time of writing, they seemed like a good idea. And it's true, I could deny ever writing those things but denying the moments I'm less proud us won't stop them from having happened. I have to live with that and so does everyone else.

I guess it's a part of progression and evolving always involve things like that. Wouldn't it be nice if we could avoid humiliating ourselves as we work our way through life?

The trouble is, it's not really the humiliating and embarassing moments that bug people the most, it's the fact that some people (including some people we want to get to know better) may judge us by the dumb things that we do or say.

I do this too sometimes. So to expect everyone to look pass the embarassing things we did is asking for a little too much isn't it?

So I won't ask and I'll just live with it.

Other than this, I'm not doing much at the moment. And there's no good movies out at the moment. I haven't gone to watch a movie in a long time.

I have a thought about the behaviour of some bloggers and how many practise double standards all in the name of free speech.

Ok, blogging gives people the right to express their opinions. Doesn't this also give readers the right to express disagreement with their opinions.

So, how come some bloggers act all shocked when they post an entry full of sweeping generalizations and racist/sexist/bigoted content and get flamed for it?

Think about it, if you write a post dissing a country/race/religion/lifestyle/gender, is it fair to expect ALL your readers to nod sagely and muse,"Yes, yes, the wise blogger hath spake. Let us taketh this words and reflect on them."?

And no, blaming it on things like PMS or a bad day at work is no excuse. The opinion has been expressed and readers may be offended. There's a price for that.

Commit the crime, do the time, the old maxim goes.

I think it's too much to expect people to understand the circumstances behind every critical post we write. And yet, some people expect that.

One thing to remember, poeple's reactions are one of those things that can't be regulated. The point is, when criticising, be prepared for a reaction.

"Celebrity" or not if you are racist, bigoted and uppity, you deserved to be slammed and publicly crucified as such.

Can't take the heat? Get out of the kitchen.

Should I?

You know, I was flicking through some of my older posts and I'm suddenly thinking about starting all over again. I'm actually rather embarassed at some of the posts, especially the ones from last year. Some of the sappier ones really make me cringe. Honestly.

I was also looking through some other people's blogs and was about to say that these people have more interesting lives than mine, judging from their posts. But really, it's not that at all. It's not their lives are necessarily better, it's their way of writing their accounts that make things sound good.

I have a lot to learn about writing apparently. I need to get a freer, most spontaneous style going on here.

But back to the subject of changing blogs. Is it a good idea to start anew? I'm rather reluctant since I put in so much work here. I need to think about this some more. Some kind of renewal is necessary to make things feel fresh again.

I'm having yet another extremely busy day. Also, today my brother goes back to UiTM. He decided to go back earlier than he should. Should be his final semester, I think.

I have been procrastinating over a lot of things, mainly because when I'm off and at home, I'm just too tired to think and just sit and stare at my PC. I have to get off my ass and do something about this.

I'm too tired even to take pictures despite having a perfectly good camera.

Like the other day, I went to MJC to hang out with a friend of mine at his new office. It was evening and the weather was the cool should-it-rain-should-it-not overcast kind. There's this field in the middle of the complex called The Piazza. I was walking through this Piazza when I noticed that MJC looks very nice in low light.

Of course, I didn't bring my camera. I must go back there next week and remember to bring the blasted camera with me.

I'm going to have to remind myself that this blog hasn't featured a photo taken by me in the longest while.

There's other things I need to do, like find space for my books. I looked and there is no space left in any of the cabinets, shelves or book racks in the house. I've also noticed that we have a hell lot of books.

I'm going to have to improvise on this one.

Ok then, I'm off to lunch now.

EDIT: I found one hell of a blog. Check this out : Seventh Ranger Regiment (Mechanised).

Assorted Nuts

Firstly, as a person who drives a 1300cc vehicle, this is very good news. Now, if only I can find a way to reduce auto insurance. Anyway, reducted road tax is always good news.

I'm at work and I don't really want to be here. No surprises there. I've been feeling extremely unmotivated lately. I might need a change of scenery soon.

Another thing to brighten up the day. I was looking through my hit counter and the top three keywords either have the blog URL or the blog title in it. There are people out there who read me! That's very nice and I appreciate that. I hope they enjoy whatever it is that I write as much as I enjoy writing it.

Sometimes, a few rather well known bloggers drop by. Occasionally, they even leave comments. Everytime this happens, I think,"Woah..." Tis very cool.

I have a song stuck in my head at the moment. Luckily, unlike most days where the stuck song is an annoying one, today it's 30 Seconds to Mars' "Attack". A good song. So much better than that time when I had that damned Crazy Frog song stuck in my head.

There's nothing really happening right now. Let's see how the day goes.

Oh yeah, one more thing.

Anyone who's been reading the papers recently would know about what one DAP writer put up on the DAP website, something about the real "freedom fighters" who won independence back in 1957. (DAP is a leading opposition party here, for those who don't know). Here's an article commenting on the whole thing.

Ronnie Liu, the writer, claims that the CPM (Communist Party of Malaya) and it's leader Chin Peng fought for freedom and didn't get credit for it. Well, they may have fought the British but what freedom were they fighting for?

Since when did communism ever stand for freedom?

It may be his opinion, but Mr. Liu is nuts to think that CPM and Chin Peng fought for freedom. If they did fight for freedom, then why did they continue fighting after 1957. Why did they only stop in 1989?

A bunch of commies fighting a democratically elected government (as screwed up as that government can be at times) are NOT freedom fighters. If anything, commies want to take freedom AWAY, not give it.

Instead, they should be called another name more fitting to their modus operandi. So question time:

What do you call a bunch of people who blow things up and wilfully intimidate/kill civilians while fighting for their "cause"?

Terrorists. When CPM turned terorrist, they showed their true colours. They weren't fighting for us. They were fighting AGAINST us, for themselves. How does this make them "freedom fighters"?

Terrorists are terorrists. Fullstop. Had CPM won, would Mr. Ronnie Liu have the right to yap away and would DAP even exist?

Let's not forget that shall we?

Jared Leto Sings!!

I didn't know Jared Leto was in a band. I didn't expect to actually like the band either.

I've been listening to 30 Seconds to Mars for something like a week before finding out that Jared Leto sings and plays guitar for them. And he writes the songs too. Go to the website and check out the video for Attack. Very cool.

Imagine, Hephaistion singing in a progressive rock band. A good one too.

I've just returned from dinner. Another birthday and good conversation in a place with good ambience. And Lambrusco Amabile, a good red wine which tastes like Nightrain, but slightly sweeter and fizzier.

And of course, there was someone new there. Seems nice enough. Perky, good sense of humour. Seems to be quite open minded, which is always good. Hopefully, I'll see her again. Soon.

I've just realized that I'm not meeting enough new people to my satisfaction. Let's face it, at my age, meeting new people (especially women) takes a fair amount of effort. Besides, I need to get used to being around different kinds of people.

And perhaps, with that, I can break out of my cycle of alternating between loneliness and relationships that drain me.

Oh dear, I'm talking about the "R" word again. That could be bad. I wonder, am I going to obsess and overanalyse again? It's a bad habit. Bad habits die hard, unfortunately.

So far so good, I haven't really been thinking about it. So far so good.

In fact, I'm betting if I keep from thinking about things pertaining to the "R" word, I might be able to be better at it. Perhaps if I stop worrying and watching everything I say and do, I won't find myself in yet another relationship where I get taken for a ride and get dumped after I've served my purpose.

Who knows? This is life and this is one of the many paradoxical things about life. Die to live. Lose to have. That kind of thing.

I should remember that. It seems to be like that most of the time, especially with me.

So, still not looking. Perhaps that will actually help me get.

Who knows?

Update: While I'm on the subject of things that are unexpectedly good, Tatu's new album "Dangerous and Moving" is....well, surprisingly good. I know, I know, that "band" has a rather dubious reputation, but their new is really good.

Current Music - We Shout-Tatu, Dangerous and Moving

Strike a Balance/Independence Day(s)

There's some advice that I could dispense that I could use for myself. Among them would be,"Never make decisions when you're angry or sad. Invariably, the decision made will be wrong and regretable."

Of course, some days you can't help it due to urgency of situation. Most days however, it can be helped.

Another one I should try to remember is,"Never try to blog insightfully when angry or sad. Posts produced during low moods can turn out to be cringeworthy and well,... sound really bad."

Especially if you're me.

Like yesterday's post. Man, that was bad. I should've stuck with the book as a topic. Anyway, after leaving the office, on the way out I decided to stop at the vending machine to get some coffee. Instant cure.

I guess the advice should probably read,"Unless the situation is really dire, don't try to blog insightfully when angry or sad. Posts produced during low moods can turn out to be cringeworthy and well,... sound really bad."

And now, on to other things.

I thoroughly enjoyed the National Day Blogging in Malay Campaign. That was so much fun. I had wanted to do something similar. I had a Malay post planned out. Unfortunately, I didn't write it down because on the eve of National Day, we bought 6 bottles of wine and promptly got very drunk.

So, no Malay post. At least, not until 16th of September, which should really be National Day. Or maybe it should be called Malaysia Day or something like that. Why? That's when Singapore, Sabah and Sarawak joined the Federation in 1963. (Singapore pulled out in '65). That's when Malaya became Malaysia.

It's just my opinion, but 16th of September should be as important to Malaysians as 31st August should be. And no, I'm not just being a disgruntled East Malaysian clamoring for "attention". Just stating a black and white fact.

When it comes to black and white facts on the country's history, someone is not doing their job. I say that because there are, for example, still people who think "East Malaysia" is a different country. You'd think this kind of ignorance should be non-existent now. But no it isn't.

What can you say about that? If there are still people in the peninsular who know next to nothing about us easterners, someone's not doing their job.

Local history textbooks contain too little info about what happened here, in Sabah and Sarawak. Something needs to be done about that. For example, would the ordinary citizen know what happened during the months before September 1963 in Sarawak and Sabah, during the referendum?

Or maybe someone thinks it's not important to know that. I hope not.

It's crap. You go to forums on the Internet, you still hear eastern Malaysians bashing western Malaysians about their ignorance and hear western Malaysians jeer at eastern Malaysians for being "backwards". This is the year 2005. This kind of misunderstanding shouldn't happen anymore.

Someone's not doing their job.

In other news, I owe lots of people (including Microsoft Tech Support) email. Also, I owe some CDs to someone. I'll do those later this evening.

EDIT: Like I was saying....

A Book and A Thought

I couldn't resist it.

Last night, I went to go to Times' with Rin. She was there to buy some books.

I went to the History section as usual. Last time I went there, I think last week, there were four copies the book that you see on the left here. Yesterday, I saw only one.

I thought,"If I buy this book now, I will be kinda broke and I might regret it." However,..

....what if I don't buy it now and come back later to find the book gone. I'll regret that even more.

I bought it.

So far so good. A lot of fun to read. Good pace, without sounding to pretentiously academic and technical, as books like these tend to be sometimes.

After buying the book, we went to the Crib with some friends. It was good, as usual. Met with some very nice people. Proof that despite my own cynical views, there are some very, very nice women out there who aren't stuck up. Perhaps we can hang out again sometimes soon.

I added some new blogs to the roll. Very good ones, as usual.

I was reading some of my earlier blog entries. How different from now, I thought. And how low did I get.

I solemnly swear that I would never let myself go down that road again, if I can help it. I promise I won't let myself be that pathetic. Suddenly, I realise this may be a rehash of a earlier post. I can't be bothered to look right now.

But seriously, when I think about it, part of the problem was I looked inside too much. In my disappointment, I may have failed to see the big picture. I must remember to look up every now and then, even when things don't look so good. I shouldn't always look inside. Sometimes, there's nothing there but darkness.

Hopefully, now that I know that, I can remember it and not regress.

This a good moment for a spot of regret. What if? I could've done a much better job of being myself, if I wasn't so blind.

But it's gone now. Mistakes done, past is past. I paid for it by wasting the time that I had. Lessons to learn and never to forget. Fell for the wrong women, worked the wrong jobs, said and did the wrong things, tried to to things that I was clearly not fit to do. All done and all gone.

I hope, all that makes me a better person somehow. And I hope it's not too late to right wrongs and make amends.

Yesterday, as I was out with my friends, I suddenly thought to myself,"Have I done or said things that hurt them lately? Have I been callous and selfish? Have I imposed in anyway?" I worried for a split second.

I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable, or hurt anyone through words or actions. But that's the tricky part. Sometimes, things happen and sometimes along the way, we hurt other inadvertently. Without knowing it and without meaning to. Sometimes, I realise that in the process of socialising, sometimes the wrong things can come out.

I worry about that sometimes. Think about it, the worse thing of all is to be yourself and find that being yourself is the thing that pisses others off. That's the ultimate social worst case scenario. Think of how many wholesale changes that you would have to make if that were the case?

I hope I can avoid that. It's a frightening thought.

EDIT @ 6.21PM: I hate this. After writing this post, I suddenly feel useless and a little depressed. I could use a heart of stone right about now. You'd think I'd get over shit like that after all this time right? I should've gotten over getting upset for no/little provocation right? Stupid. If I was a building, then call me St. John the Unfinished. I'll never be complete at this rate.

On a lighter note, I'm halfway through my 300+ page book despite being busy. I read too damn fast for my own good.

I hope for a happier post tomorrow morning.