Today is my birthday. I'm 34.
For a lark, I went through my archives to see what happened during recent times on my birthday. That's one benefit of having a blog folks, your personal time capsule. I don't know how it works for other bloggers, but when I read old entries I also recall the way I was feeling when those entries were written.
So I was reading old entries. It's only been a few years and those entries feel like they were written a lifetime ago. How much has change? A hell of a lot.
It's been a good year so far, so no one is going to hear me complain about how old I am. That's fine. I'm having an interesting time rediscovering things that I enjoy about my life. I've discovered recently that I may not be as dead inside as I thought I was. Or rather, these days I feel like I can take risks and rejection more readily, without worrying about my house of cards collapsing.
I recall one time I said I wasn't thinking about women and relationships because I was worried about rejection and failure and how that would plunge me back into depression. Well, I can safely say that this is not going to happen. I can deal now. No problem.
Yes, treatment is going well. I'm no longer mayor of depressionville. It's official. At least until the medication wears off anyway. I expect my next appointment to be my last or 2nd to last and one week after I get off the meds, I will know. If I don't relapse after one drug free week, then that is the best thing ever that could happen. I keep my fingers tightly crossed.
I feel that seeing a professional about my "problem" is the biggest thing I did this year (maybe even biggest thing EVER) and definitely the most life changing. It's like the world is a different place. Well, kind off. Reality is perception after all.
Anyway, about getting back in the game.
I used to have real trouble with women in the past. Usually having to do with me not having enough confidence. I'm not saying that I've gotten it right, but lately I'm beginning to see that it's actually ok to stand my ground and say no to someone that I was going out with. Contrary to what I was worried about, she actually treats me better. I get more respect. I don't have to worry about being taken for a ride again. It's counter intuitive in a way but it seems to be ok.
I used to be a real doormat when it comes to things like this. But David Deangelo is right on that part. Wusses don't get any respect and it's possible to flirt and go out with women without selling yourself short and losing your dignity. In short, not being a streotypical Nice Guy is actually a good thing.
I understand it better what that means now. Not being a Nice Guy doesn't mean being a asshole and mistreating your companion. It's more to do with having self respect because the Nice Guy is usually quite a wuss. I would know. I was one. David says that a guy who respects himself "looks" better to a woman than a "Nice Guy". I'm beginning to see that myself.
Some of the stuff I get from David Deangelo is gold. No canned routines or pickup lines here. The thing that is most valuable is the psychology of relationship. Some of the stuff is fascinatingly simple. And true, from what I can see.
Yes I'm aware off the controversy surrounding the so-called seduction community. I had my own misgivings myself. But I can't deny that some of the stuff I read is true. Personally, I think a lot of guys can use the information, not to be womanisers or pick up artists but to help them relate to women better and not end up being annoying/creepy/clingy etc. The knowledge is like a weapon or a tool, it can be used for either good or evil.
Social science is very interesting no?
What I'm basically saying is I'm no longer putting relationship on hold. I'm not actively looking for anything serious but at the same time I won't write it off completely. Right now I just want to go out, have fun and take it all in my stride.
Maybe I'll get lucky along the way.