Sunday, May 14, 2006

Just Sayin'

This week will be a long one. I have to work one extra day on Thursday and maybe one extra night on Friday. That means I have precious little time (and more importantly, energy) to do anything on the weekend. All this after working at night for three weeks. I say, it's not good for health, working nights for that long. At the end of that, I was not in the best mood.

I know I say that I like my job and most days, I do (emphasis on "days"). But sometimes...

I wish I could just NOT work. I wish I could just do something because I want to and because I enjoy it, not because I have to earn a living. You know what will make anything seem like work? When you have to do it when you really don't want to.

Of course, this is the Real World(TM) and not some MMORPG where I can move to another server and start a new character. Anyway...

How amazing it is that some people can come out of 18 hour days smiling and beaming. And the discipline for such things.

I've never really been what people might describe as being very disciplined. I'm more impulse driven than thought driven, more prone to act on want rather than need. It's not the best way to proceed with life, I have to say.

In hindsight, I might have been more contented and satisfied had I been more straightlaced. People who know mean would say that I seemed like that, but most of that was just an act to gain favour from people. Unfortunately, it didn't work as well as it was supposed to. Seriously. I might as well admit that.

I don't know why I said that, but it does bring a little bit of relief. It's a relief to admit something on your own without being pressed. Plus, having someone press you to admit a mistake brings with it gloating possibilities for the pressurer. That's just an upsetting thought.

I guess today is one of those days where I feel like rambling. I haven't really done this in a while.

I've been downloading Friends recently. So far, I've managed to get seasons 3,8 and 9. Season 7 should be done by tonight. Despite my never following it religiously, Friends is a really good show actually. While watching Friends, I had a thought.

Despite all the trauma I've experienced involving women, I actually miss having a crush on someone. To lose all sense of logic, rational thought and the ability to speak coherently within someone's presence, the madness of falling in love, the sweaty palms, the butterlies, I actually miss that. I vaguely remember how that was like.

I vaguely remember the joy of discovering that the object of your affection actually feels the same way too. Of course, the last time this kind of thing happened was 1991, so vague is quite a good description here. I might be seeing this through rose tinted glasses, that might explain the extra goodness of the memory.

I usually think that it's a good idea for people to wait until their older to settle down in a long term relationship. Suddenly though, I'm thinking, maybe the ones who do it while they're young are doing it right? After all, when you're 22 you're not jaded yet. Not most people anyway. You still believe in love and soulmates and you still think that all those emo scenes on daytime TV are plausible realities. Foolish? Maybe. Maybe not.

And what if you wait too long? What if suddenly you find that your heart is stone and your emotions are dead? What then?

Timing is everything. So sad that it's absolutely impossible to know when the "right" moment is,when you have that perfect balance between youthful naivete and world weary wisdom.

And what if you're me? What if you spend 12-15 years wandering around your own life looking for the wrong thing in the wrong places wallowing in depression and low self esteem, only to find out what was wrong with you only when it seems too late? When you've become too defensive and too emotionally cold to allow such a thing to happen?

What do you do then? Despite all this, is it possible to recapture the magic, that rush of blood when you get to know someone new that likes you as much as you like her?

It's not really a matter of choice. It's a matter of whether it can ever happen again. I'd like it to. Really I do.

Which reminds me, I should never, ever try to meet people in a party or a club situation. That requires guts and overt charm and those aren't my strength. If I play that, I'd lose. I know that already. And now that I've written it down, I have no excuses if I try it and screw up.

Perhaps if I can shed my defensiveness and gain some bravery and confidence, things might start happen.

Not anytime soon, I'm afraid.

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