This morning, my colleague asked me some questions. Firstly, age. I told him I'm 32 going on 33. And then, he asked me what my new year's resolution is going to be. I said, I haven't thought about it.
And then he asked me, how come I don't seem to be concerned about getting married. Apparently, he can't understand why I can't find women since I'm very "sociable" and go out a lot.
*Groans....* I knew it. There was no way I can go on for any significant amount of time without having to explain myself to people when it comes to my "status".
I didn't really mind being asked like that. He didn't mean any harm and he was probably genuinely curious.
And right now, I am thinking about that. All I can say is... I don't know, but it's better for me to stay single right now.
It ain't happening anytime soon. I no longer go looking for it. I no longer dream about meeting "someone" and living happily ever after. What can I say, it's no longer a holy grail. I guess I just don't believe in it any more.
Just as well because, I'm still not fit to be in any kind of serious relationship right now. I'm far too damaged, too defensive and too scared to get involved. I don't think I can deal with the responsibility of being in a relationship. For me, it's very dangerous. I cannot risk another failed attempt, another rejection and the disappointment of things not working out and things turning out to be something other than what it should be. And I absolutely cannot risk falling for people who will never feel the same way about me.
One more disaster, one more humiliating screw-up and it will undo all the work that I've done pulling myself together to become the semi-stable person I am nowadays. I've come so far, then and now. I don't ever want to go back down that road again. I'm too old for that shit.
Actually, I feel most sorry for my parents. They'll need to look elsewhere for grand children. I won't blame them for being disappointed. I feel sorry for some of my friends, especially those who try to set me up with other people. I bet they're feeling disappointed that nothing is working.
I'm sorry. It's not you guys and it's not really the people they try to set me up with. It's just me.
Maybe one day, when I'm more surefooted, when I'm braver, more stable emotionally. Until then, everything stays the way they are.
Maybe one day.