Gone For Awhile

Going away for a while. See y'all next year.

That Question Again...

This morning, my colleague asked me some questions. Firstly, age. I told him I'm 32 going on 33. And then, he asked me what my new year's resolution is going to be. I said, I haven't thought about it.

And then he asked me, how come I don't seem to be concerned about getting married. Apparently, he can't understand why I can't find women since I'm very "sociable" and go out a lot.

*Groans....* I knew it. There was no way I can go on for any significant amount of time without having to explain myself to people when it comes to my "status".

I didn't really mind being asked like that. He didn't mean any harm and he was probably genuinely curious.

And right now, I am thinking about that. All I can say is... I don't know, but it's better for me to stay single right now.

It ain't happening anytime soon. I no longer go looking for it. I no longer dream about meeting "someone" and living happily ever after. What can I say, it's no longer a holy grail. I guess I just don't believe in it any more.

Just as well because, I'm still not fit to be in any kind of serious relationship right now. I'm far too damaged, too defensive and too scared to get involved. I don't think I can deal with the responsibility of being in a relationship. For me, it's very dangerous. I cannot risk another failed attempt, another rejection and the disappointment of things not working out and things turning out to be something other than what it should be. And I absolutely cannot risk falling for people who will never feel the same way about me.

One more disaster, one more humiliating screw-up and it will undo all the work that I've done pulling myself together to become the semi-stable person I am nowadays. I've come so far, then and now. I don't ever want to go back down that road again. I'm too old for that shit.

Actually, I feel most sorry for my parents. They'll need to look elsewhere for grand children. I won't blame them for being disappointed. I feel sorry for some of my friends, especially those who try to set me up with other people. I bet they're feeling disappointed that nothing is working.

I'm sorry. It's not you guys and it's not really the people they try to set me up with. It's just me.

Maybe one day, when I'm more surefooted, when I'm braver, more stable emotionally. Until then, everything stays the way they are.

Maybe one day.

Merry Christmas

I've just got back from church.

It's funny how it works out, one day you think faith is dead and the next day the priest delivers a killer sermon specifically for that. It's true what is said, God doesn't give up on his people.

I had a nice time.

In case people wonder which pagan festival Christmas is supposed to be based on, it is the festival of Sol Invictus. And the possible reason why the two are celebrated on the same day:-

"Some scholars maintain that December 25 was only adopted in the 4th century as a Christian holiday after Roman Emperor Constantine converted to Christianity to encourage a common religious festival for both Christians and pagans"

There's more. Keep reading the links, very educational and interesting.

But to me personally, the exact date doesn't matter. The more important thing is why we celebrate Christmas and what it means.

Merry Christmas to all of you and peace and good will to all people.

Still Here

I haven't been updating much have I? I haven't.

I'm not sure why, considering how much I really want to talk about. Things like people who take things too personally, retarded internet arguments, how we need "villains" in our lives to justify our own causes, blogs I recently discovered and more. And I have about four million words to say about current issues stuff like the lame attempts the cops are making in saving their tarnished "reputation" from the nudie squat affair and even lamer attempts by halfwit UMNO MPs to try and foist the blame for this on their usual hapless scapegoats i.e opposition MPs.

Honestly, politics and politicians sicken me, and yet I find political news irresistable. It's like smoking I'm telling you.

I do feel very tired however. I'm so glad the year will end soon. And talking about that, I kind of miss having the year end blues. This month is supposed to be punctuated by bouts of melancholic reminiscence and wallowing in my own self pity and loneliness. It hasn't been like that so far.

I kind of miss the oddly comfortable misery feeling like that brings. Something is changing here, I'm not sure what. I feel quite different from what I usually feel.

Anyway, before I forget, let me write about some minor stuff and things I've been up to.

I have discovered a wonderful eatery in town. It's in front of St. Mary's School, a stone's throw from The Junk. It's a little, cosy place called Bla Bla Bla. It's marvelous. The food is great and the environment and atmosphere better. I love it. We should have a blogger's gathering there soon.

The only problem with the place is there is absolutely no where to park without ending up walking long distances. In the dark.

Still, I like it and I'll be back there very soon. I hope they serve wine.

I'm playing a WW2 shooter so bloody difficult, it makes Call of Duty 2 seem like a cakewalk. It is called Brothers In Arms: Earned In Blood. It's a squad based game where you have to order around two sections of men to achieve your objectives.

Very steep learning curve and very realistic. I'm almost wishing that The Major can help with some tactical advise. I'm stuck at a level where I'm supposed to clear a town. Urban combat, very dangerous.

When I get bored of having my ass shot off by angry Germans, I still fall back to Need for Speed Most Wanted. It's been a while now, and the game is still fun.

I wished it included Feraris and Hondas.

And talking about that, all you people who are hitting my blog in search of SDHIDER, please go here.

I hope that helped.

Another nice thing that happened just now is that I've been invited to guest blog at one of my favourite blogs! That was a pleasant surprise. The problem is that I can't think of anything to write about yet. It has to be something that appeals to everyone, not just Malaysians, and it should be seasonal.

What eh?

Tonight is my last night of work for the year. Next week I come back to work in the day after Christmas. And next week, I'm going to Permai for three days. I hope they have internet connection somewhere nearby. And I hope I don't forget to bring my camera. And buy batteries.

And this Sunday is Christmas! How cool is that!?

And tomorrow evening, the bloggers' BBQ. I'm looking forward to that.

Gigantopithecus!

There are not many good reasons for sitting still for three odd hours. King Kong however, is quite a good reason.

For a movie to last that long and not have many boring bits is quite an achievement.

Action packed would be a nice description.

And not only that. Jack Black's in it. He's cool. And Naomi Watts, who not only look like Nicole Kidman but is also apparently her best friend.

And Andy Serkis, who is in real danger of being type cast as...... an animal? And why not? He makes quite a decent animal.

Colin Hanks and Adrien Brody did quite well too.

Overall, I liked it. Go and watch. I like it enough to want to buy the DVD when it comes out.

Another movie which I surprisingly liked was one we saw on Thursday evening, a malay movie simply called Rock. It's about a rock band that almost made it. It was so cool, despite suffering from a very common ailment that many local movies suffer i.e good idea, bad execution.

But it was funny and nostalgic at the same time, being set in the early nineties. As you know, that period was the heyday of the Malaysian rock movement.

Those were good times. Anyway the movie.

It was great. I enjoyed it. Funny and nostalgic, and a little sad at the same time. I especially like the jam studio scenes. We used to do exactly the same thing in a jamming studio that looked almost identical.

I also watched The Dukes of Hazzard. Also fun. It has to be. Stifler is in it.

I think I've caught all the movie worth catching this year. Now, I look forward to watching Gubra, the much anticipated "sequel" to Sepet. I wonder if the government will miss the point again try ban this one. Hmm.....

Oh damn it, I forgot about Memoirs of a Geisha. I'm watching this one for sure.

I've watched so many movies this year, I wonder what a list of it would look like....

Current Music - Dari Sinar Mata, Bumiputera Rockers

A Lot Can Happen In One Year

A hell of a lot in fact. Remarkable considering how short a year actually is. You'd think when you get older, the odds of changing are less. It is sort of, but not quite.

A lot can change in one year. I for one think I've gone through an overhaul.

I sit here in December and can safely say am a very different person from January. A false alarm? Could be. But that's not important right now.

Now what am I wittering on about?

There's this clever little meme that I've seen floating round the web. Some of my friends have done it. I thought, this could be fun. So here it is.

Go to your Calendar and find the first entry for each month of 2005. Post the first line of it in your journal, and that's your "Year In Review."

January 05-
I just came back from the most fun New Year's Eve bash I've had in the longest time.

February 05 -
I had lunch at a coffeeshop at Bishopgate today with Diana and Jane.

March 05 -
What a waste of a perfectly good day.

April 05 -
Yes, that was what I had for dinner.

May 05 -
Hmm.

June 05 -
Fortunate soul ? I somehow find that funny.

July 05 -
I'm tired.

August 05 -
Since my brain is still mush, I will refrain from writing long, long entries where I will get confused by the second paragraph.

September 05 -
I couldn't resist it.

October 05 -
Last night, Rin called me to join them at The Crib.

November 05 -
I'm back.

December 05 -
You know you're famous when....

An excellent meme don't you agree. And a good way to recap the year.

I suddenly have a thought. If I were to pick the top ten best/favourite entries from Riding The Mellow in 2005, what would they be?

Actually, I think that would make a good meme...

A Small Rant and Other, Happier Things

I'm posting, which means that I'm at work.

Only a fortnight left before Christmas! It's unbelievable how fast this year has gone by. I hope the year will end well. At least I hope the year will end better than last week.

I had a rather unpleasant encounter with a superior. I won't go into details, all I can say is that I don't appreciate personal attacks and rude comments about my ability to do work. Normally, I'm a non-confrontational person. But after last week's outburst, I'm not giving this superior any more face.

The next time he pulls a stunt like this, I will be very, very rude. If this happens a third time, I will do something very, very dire and become his worst nightmare.

I do realize that perhaps he was in a bad mood. Maybe he has problems at home. Maybe he has a deadline and he's being pressured.

I don't care.

You do not take out your frustrations, anger, disappointment etc on other people. Other people don't exist to entertain you when you are pissed off. It is not ok to do this.

If you want some attention when you are feeling poorly, then open your mouth and say,"I need to get something off my chest." or "I have a problem and I feel like crap" instead of acting like a bitch and expecting people to guess why. Or worse, expecting people to understand.

Especially when I'm not even your friend.

And, in case any one accuses me that I probably do the same thing, I don't. I do not use my friends, colleagues, family members, total strangers, pets etc as punching bags to blow off steam when things go wrong.

If I need to, I open my mouth and talk, at the risk of being accused of being a whiny, little bitch. Which is a fair accusation, sometimes.

And one more thing, I wouldn't have minded so much if I was wrong. Instead, I got ticked off because the bastard can't speak English and failed to clarify an instruction. That, is NOT my problem.

Ok, now that we've gotten that off my chest, let's move on now.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I had good fun last night.

We went to the Film Fest at Cultural Village to catch the Lord of The Rings extended trilogy. That's what? Nine, ten hours. We finished at six in the morning.

The projector was set up in a clearing near the woods at Cultural Village and the screen was put up on an outdoor stage. Luckily, the weather was absolutely perfect for an outdoor screening. The stars were out and there was no rain. There were no insects and it wasn't very cold at all.

It's quite interesting to be lying in a field on a poncho while watching a movie.

This outdoor film fest thing is a brilliant idea. I hope it becomes annual. Tonight Batman Begins is showing. Unfortunately, I'm working.

Talking about movies, we watched Narnia on Thursday night. It was great. I was quite impressed.

The pacing was just right. It's a long-ish movie but it didn't really feel like it. No boring, draggy parts to endure.

I was quite impressed with the special effects like the talking animals and creatures like centaurs and minotaurs.

That reminds me of an article I read about this. Apparently, the late C.S Lewis didn't want to have a live action version of The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe because he thought that the special effects would ruin the story with less than convincing animal characters.

I'm sure if he knew what CGI is capable of today he wouldn't mind.

Overall, it was quite satisfying.

Next, King Kong! Should be good too.

Apart from watching movies, I've been downloading episodes of Top Gear. Awesome car show, simply awesome. And not only for the cars. It has one other thing that I really like to watch.

British humour. Jeremy Clarkson, James May and Rich Hammond are insanely hilarious. I also have to mention the mysterious character known only as... The Stig, who is the show's resident test driver. He doesn't say anything and nobody knows who he is since he's always wearing a white helmet with black tinted visors.

It's a laugh riot and educational at the same time. If you like cars and things like that, watch Top Gear. You'll love it.

Ok then, off to work now.

Hindsight

Ok. Ten minute post before all the other elves arrive at the office. It would help if I actually had something to write about.

It's three weeks and the year is out. I find that amazing.

And this year, a very rare year when I don't feel like greeting the end of it with a great big sigh of relief. Instead, I'll have some good memories from this year.

I wish so much that I could have had a year like this 10 years ago, when I was 22. Yeah, now and then I remember what a complete waste of a decade 1993-2003 was. A complete, utter waste of time. I regret nearly every moment of it.

I had a dream a couple of weeks ago. In it, I went back to key moments in my memory and righted wrongs and made the right choices.

In one of my old jobs, my boss asked me and another colleague to choose between MIS and another position at the networking services, I stood up and chose to go and be a support technician as opposed to staying a programmer, which is very hard when you can't do programming. Had I chosen tech support, I might still be there, earning more than I do now. Plus, it was a government position with all the bells and whistles.

I said no thanks to a "business" deal with a friend, thus saving me around 40,000 bucks and a whole lot of trouble later on.

Instead of banging my head into a brick wall while I try to get together with an ex-girlfriend who obviously wasn't interested and have said so a dozen times, I cut my loses and walked away despite my own desires.

Instead of going to Saratok when someone I fancied asked me, I said no instead, knowing that I don't do well when meeting older people and do even worse when there is an ostensibly "superior" rival.

I wake up and since having that dream, I keep asking where would I be now if I had done things right, if I had been more decisive.

I'd probably be a lot happier, a lot sooner. I'd probably be a bigger, better, faster me.

That's the beauty of hindsight isn't it? It's always 20/20.

Flux and Ends

Aeon Flux was surprisingly good. Charlize Theron is surprisingly leggy.

I enjoyed this movie a lot more than I thought I would. It had a really strong anime feel to it.

I thought Marton Csokas looked extremely familiar but I didn't really know from where. Later I find out that apparently, he was in Lord of the Rings.

I like the way the environment of the film was set. It had a severe, industrial look that conveys a kind of hopelessness and cynicism.

In other news, I've finished playing Need for Speed Most Wanted. I can inform everyone that when I got to No.1 on the Black List, the game became nearly impossible. I had to use a no bust trainer to get pass the final police chase.

All in all, an excellent game and I'm playing it again. Or maybe it's time to go back to football management?

Today yet again, was a very busy day. It seems our workload is directly proportionate to the number of people we have. The new guys were supposed to help lightened the load. Instead, the workload is keeping pace.

I notice something. How do you make someone who is usually languid and a little spaced out at work concentrate and be able to handle more responsibilities?

Give him an apprentice. Or in my case, two.

Suddenly, I'm worried about what I do and how I do my work. I'm actually concerned about Setting a Good Example(TM).

This is so unlike me. I like to goof off and do my own thing at work, like read blogs. Now I don't really feel like doing that anymore.

It's not a bad thing I guess. About time I be a little bit more responsible anyway.

I've had some more thoughts over the last few days, many of which formed during late night conversations. Too bad I can't seem to recall them all.

But I do vaguely recall one.

It's a sad thing that everything in life has to have an ending. Especially good things, like friendship and good company. Wouldn't it be nice to be contented for the rest of life? It's easy to forget that even that will end and will change. Better? Worse? Who knows?

I guess there are no happily ever afters in real life.

I hope when things change in my corner I'll be able deal with it instead of falling to pieces like I'm prone to doing.

I've had a nice day. I hope your's is good too.

What!?

You know you're famous when....

.... you find your first album seeded on Torrentspy.

Click for bigger image.