Tuesday, May 06, 2008


"Your good intentions slowly turned to bitterness
Reoccurring episodes with each and every kiss

And I can tell you're going through the motions
I figured you were acting out your part
Once again we're playing off emotion
Which one of us will burn until the end?

You insist to pull me down
You contradict the fact that you still want me around

And it's all downhill from here"

"All Downhill From Here" - New Found Glory, Catalyst

That song has been stuck in my head for the last half a day. I have no idea why. Maybe I was thinking about the "stories" I could tell as a continuation of my last post. The bolded part of the lyric is very appropriate to what I was thinking. Or more appropriate relative to the rest of the song. The song itself is quite appropriate to the things I'm currently thinking about.

I know some people who have quite a bit of relationship trouble this week.

Anyway one day earlier last month, my mom was asking about a friend of mine. There were quite surprised to learn that he was married. I in turn was quite surprised that they didn't know. I mean everyone knows. Everyone was supposed to know anyway.

And then suddenly out of the blue, she asked me whether I wanted to marry. No, I said. Well the real answer isn't exactly no, I just wanted to avoid a potentially awkward conversation. No luck there. She continued on about how I should seriously think about it and how it will help during old age and other why-being-married-is-a-good-thing points.

To be honest I can't really disagree with what she was saying. I didn't really say much else apart from saying that I don't have anybody in mind at the moment and even if I did I wouldn't do it anytime soon. These things cost money you know. Money which I don't have...

Recently, that friend we were talking about dropped by the house to check his PC when my mom mentioned the married story. She also made some jokes about me still being single and asked him to "help" me...

I want to say that I chuckled and felt unbothered, but the fact is I was bothered. It did make me think. And all the stuff mom and other people have said about it, not all of it is wrong. I should be doing something about it. Especially at my age. I can't really say it doesn't matter because it kinda does actually. Not exactly a life and death thing but it's not entirely frivolous either.

Should be no problems right? Pretty straightforward, I should just go and meet as many people as possible. The law of averages means that eventually I'll find somebody. Worse come to worse, I could just ask the parents to arrange it and settle down with whoever they pick, my own feelings be damned. I mean it works for other people right? It might even be a good idea, considering that I can't seem to do it right by myself.

The question here is "Do I want to do this or not?"

Things can change, but today's answer is no. If my mother didn't bring it up I wouldn't even be thinking about it. I may have become a little too jaded and defensive when it comes to how I feel.

I once wrote that young people shouldn't really be getting involved in serious relationships. I mean they lack experience and often, the blood is hot and makes one very impulsive. But all that may not be a bad thing.

I remember how easy it was to feel and give in to attraction. No need to think so much, you just follow it. When you are young, you haven't been burned yet and you aren't so defensive and not so cynical. You still believe in romantic ideals and the people you are with also still believe it. Unless you're totally clueless, falling in love is the easiest and the most natural thing in the world.

Some people are very lucky and it works out and it continues to work as they get older. For others, they might need one or two more tries. But it works out in the end.

When you are young, it's a good time to fall in love. It's a good time because you can do it so easily.

But for those who didn't get any joy, it gets harder over time until eventually they harden. Eventually, it becomes harder to open up and remain hopeful.

I think I may be at that level now. It's just not so simple anymore.

So what am I trying to say? What I'm saying is that I want to be in a relationship again but at the same time, I don't want to suffer all the pain that it could bring. Again. I've had enough of that and it upsets me enough just to watch other people in bad situations. I can only imagine how I would feel if it were me.

Maybe that's why I can't do it anymore. Maybe I'm too afraid. Or too cynical to even bother anymore.

Poor mom, I guess her grandchildren will have to come from her other kids...

Edit: This post contains a slight error. Apparently, I never said that younger people shouldn't be in relationships, I said younger people shouldn't get married so soon. Very sorry, memory isn't so sharp these days.

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