Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Waste of Time?

I have something like 10 minutes to post, so I think I'll just talk out of my ass today.

There's this thing that a couple of pretty well known bloggers are doing. Some kind of contest involving perfume and based on comments people write about relations between men and women.

I laughed when I read some of the entries. Topics comparing men and women in relationships can be funny and exasperating at the same time. I had quite a good time reading. I'm not really surprised at how defensive some people are and how so many people are actually quite bitter about their lack of success. Some others are quite naive and still believe the boilerplate cop-out answers their parents gave them when they were teenagers.

Obviously my laughing doesn't mean that I'm some kind of expert in relationships. On the contrary, you won't find many men who are as inept as I am in it. Particular that part where I get fatally attracted to women who inevitably can't see me as their partner.

Yes, it still happens.

I was going out a lot with a particular girl recently. As interested as I was in her, I couldn't help but feel this sense of dread when I wanted to talk to her about... something. You know the feeling, like you're the watchman on board a ship about to hit a very, very large iceberg in the middle of a very, very cold night.

I wasn't at all surprised when she turned me down. I sort of knew it was coming. At least she was polite about it.

We still hang out and for both our sakes I try to turn off some of my feelings when I'm with her. It's doable but rather difficult.

I knew what was about to happen and yet why do I still go and do it? Beats the hell out of me. You'd think that I know better and the fact is I do know better, but I went ahead anyway.

Anyway, I helped her get a new job recently. I plan to slowly drift out of her life once she's settled. It's a hard decision but I think in the long run it's for the best I think. Hopefully she'll find happiness with the guy that she's currently really into.

As for me, I think I still need to fix my radar so to speak. I need to do something about it so I'll stop feeling things for people who can't feel the same way about me. It's a most frustrating thing. I'm not even sure if it's worth the effort. Despite all the things many well meaning friends tell me and despite my efforts to better myself, I still have this nagging feeling that I'll never get into an actual successful relationship. Sometimes I feel like I left it a little too late.

Like some people say, perhaps my path doesn't lie that way.

I don't really feel sad about it anymore. Occasionally, I get pissed off when I think about it but mostly I just feel unsurprised.

What does make me feel kinda sad is the stuff that one colleague keeps asking.

He's always asking whether I've slept with so and so. I haven't, so I say no. He then says that I'm wasting my time and money going out with her. Obviously, this guy is extremely successful with women. Extremely. On average, it takes him about 4 days/nights to convince a woman to sleep with him if he really puts his mind to it. Not just the desperate ones either.

I have no idea how he does it. While I have no intention of turning into a womanising jerk, I do wish it were that easy for me. I wish I knew what works.

Every time he accuses me of wasting my time and money going out with people who won't sleep with me, I feel very, very small. I shouldn't feel like that but I do.

I guess some people are built for it and some others aren't...

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