Wednesday, May 02, 2007

A Quiet Place Inside

Usually, working at night tends to cause a rather unhappy reaction with me. I usually feel worse at night in the office when I am alone. Too much time alone with no body around for distraction tends to bring out the worse kind of negative thinking. It's when my brain digs up its worse memories and chew on them.

It's been 4 days since I began taking the meds. On the 1st day, it didn't seem like much. I was glad that I was finally doing something about being depressed, but I didn't feel anything different. Apart from the slight nausea.

This is normal from what I can gather. According to the doc, it takes 4-6 weeks for the meds to fully establish itself.

So on the 1st day, everything was pretty much as it was. But lately...

It's kind of hard to explain. For lack of a better way to describe it, I would say that things are "quieter". Quieter in the sense that in my head and in my emotions, there is only me. I only hear myself these days. I no longer hear whatever it was that used to be there, the thing that reminds me of my failings, my mistakes and regrets. That thing that fills me with overwhelming guilt and the overpowering sense of despair, is just a whisper now. No longer a roar. It's just on the fringes now, no longer being taken seriously.

I'm not sure if I'm saying this right.

It's a strange place to be in. I no longer feel as bad about myself or the things that I do. I no longer feel as if life has passed me by. Day by day, I can feel those toxic emotions slowly fade further and further away as the drugs work inside my head.

It's the weirdest sensation.

Actually, the thoughts are still there. But now, I see them forming in my head and as soon as I do, I knock them out of the park. Easily. In minutes. It's easier to do that now. No more excessive struggling. Like I said, the evil voices are just whispers now. Now in my head, I hear me and only me.

It's hard to explain.

Gee, I sound like a crazy person don't I? Maybe I am not all there. Maybe I wasn't all there in the first place. Maybe after I finish my treatment I will finally have all my tools in the box so to speak. I fervently hope so.

This week is night work week and even more interesting, the factory is shut down for a few days due to the holidays. There is literally no one here. There are only half a dozen people here at night this last 2 days. Normally there will be at least 500 people on the floor. It's deathly quiet right now.

I can only imagine how bad this week would've been if I wasn't on anti-depressants.

I do have some questions though.

What is actually making me feel so much better? Is it the meds or is it what they call the "placebo effect" i.e just the IDEA of me taking meds as opposed to the meds themselves?

It's only been 4 days and already I feel distinctly different. How am I going to feel when the meds fully kick in in a month's time? I'm curious. I suppose I'll find out when it happens.

Finally, what will happen when I finish my course of meds? Will I be able to prevent a relapse without the drugs? Will the change be permanent? Will I be able to live normally and not get sucked back in? Will it remain quiet inside?

I guess I'll find out when I get there and at least now I know I have options and means to help myself if necessary.

Like I was saying before, it's a very important time in my life and I can safely say that as far as this blog is concerned, some of the next few entries in the next few months will be the most important entries I will ever write.

I hope that far in the future I can look back, reread these entries and recall how I made my escape from Hell.

Have a nice week.

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