Sunday, June 10, 2007

The Long Haul

Firstly before anything else lest I forget, I would like to share some really nice links. Namely Neatorama. And Office Spam. I especially like Neatorama, a virtual cornucopia of strange and interesting things around the net and beyond.

And now for today's entry.

I've been feeling kind of under the weather. Higher than average temperature, stuffy head, lethargy. Been kinda feverish. As a result, I spent a grand total of 3 hours outside the hours over the last three days.

I feel much better today though, albeit still a little bit tired. At least the stuffy head is gone.

A good share of those 3 hours out of the house was spent in a waiting room at a hospital. It was Saturday morning and it was time for a follow up visit with The Doc.

Things are going great as far as treatment goes. It's going to continue for another 2 months before my next appointment.

I had a thought while I was watching Saturday morning cartoons in the waiting room. I remember how scary it was the first time I went there at the end of April. How daunting it was for me, what a "big deal" it was. Yes, the "big deal" is in inverted comas.

What a difference time has made. It doesn't feel like such a big deal anymore. It's simply a thing that needed doing. That's all.

I guess all the hooha and the drama and the doubts and the guilt and the feeling of weakness was the depression talking. It's certainly not saying much these days.

The story will continue until whenever The Doc tells me to stop which he says could be 3-4 months from now. During that time, we will know if the changes are permanent. I hope to God that it is.

Anyway, I have a sad story to tell.

I recently read something rather sad among some local bloggers. A blogger recently committed suicide. This blogger was suffering from a problem and apparently recently stopped treatment. Despite not showing it outwardly, this blogger was slowly losing out to the demon inside.

The blogger's family shut down the blog after the incident. But these days the internet has a memory...

I was curious about the circumstance so I did a search and turned up a cached entry from that blog. It was the last entry. It was heart wrenching to read. It also made my blood run cold.

Here was a real for deal suicide note, with farewells and instructions to family and friends. I was shocked into silence by it.

Sometimes people say that people kill themselves because "they're crying out for help". From what I was reading, this person didn't want no help. This person wanted to die.

Really makes the blood turn to ice reading that kind of thing.

I've had suicide fantasies before. I'm sure we've all had them at one time or another. But the reality of it is nothing like that.

Anyway, I don't know this person but I feel for her family and friends. No one can imagine how hard it is for them.

Many people don't get what it's like to be clinically depressed. Perhaps it is just as well for them for as we can see, sometimes people don't survive.

It's a powerful demon. It kills. But not directly and perhaps that is the most diabolical thing.

It's also a sobering reminder for those of us who do have the same demon. It's a reminder that it needs serious attention and needs to be dealt with, with help if necessary.

For the memory of those who didn't make it, I promise I will continue my own battle and try to win it.

And so, if you've EVER thought about killing yourself within the recent past and think the life isn't worth it, please go see a doctor. Screw the stigma, screw people who don't understand and screw everything else. This is your life. You owe it to yourself.

Have a nice week.

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