Monday, April 16, 2007

Different States of Mind

I don't know what was I so dramatic and cryptic about.

Well it seemed like a good idea while I was at work. Also at work I'm in a different environment so I guess that's why it doesn't seem like a big deal now that I'm at home where I'm quite relaxed.

So here it is.

The last 2 posts were actually about my deciding to (finally) consult a psychiatrist about my "condition". Namely clinical depression. It was a scary decision to make. I'm not sure why, but the whole thing does scare me quite a bit.

The whole thing started while I was at work last week. I was having some flu and fever so I went to see the medical assistant. While I was there, we got to talking about what the company policy was on "rare" medical cases. Like psychological problems.

One thing led to another and she recommended that I see the inhouse doctor which I did. More things led to other things and after many questions and the filling of one form later, now I have in my possession a letter of reference for a certain psychiatrist.

Unfortunately, the good doctor is on leave this week so I can only meet him next week. So my impending treatment is going to have to wait again, much to my disappointment.

There you have it.

But wait? Didn't I claim in other posts that I was no longer depressed? At the time of writing, I thought so too. But as time went by, it slowly dawned to me that it was still there. The only difference is nowadays, I can deal with it better.

But that is not enough. I want to be rid of it forever. I want to be able to feel things like happiness. I would like to go through days where I don't conjure up evil negative thoughts about things that I do. I would like to get through days when I don't fill wretched and wracked with guilt for no good reason. It would be nice for once if I lose my temper or if I feel upset it would be because something bad happened. As in the present and not two decades ago.

In short, I want to be normal and free like everybody else.

I thought I could handle it and get over it by myself but who am I kidding? What I'm doing these days is damage mitigation not cure. I've tried and it's now time to step it up a level and bring some reinforcements.

Despite it's potentially enormous cost, this is my decision. I hope I won't regret it. By the way, psychiatry isn't covered by neither my medical benefits nor my insurance. So it's all me.

One more thing. My parents and other family don't know. Most of my friends don't know. My colleagues don't know.

Should I tell them?

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