Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Yourself or Someone Else

"Cos all I really want is to be with you
And feel like I matter too
If I didn't blow the whole thing years ago
I might be here with you"

- Hey Jealousy, Gin Blossoms

Let me give an example of stupidity.

A long, long time ago, I envied guys who are more "popular" than me, so to speak. Of course, these days I know why I wasn't "popular". I was an introverted geek. Obviously, one must be outgoing and social to be "popular" and have many friends. Like my brothers for instance. Since I was an introverted geek with huge, cheap glasses and a stutter, there was no way that was going to happen.

Stupidity no.1. The reasons were right there in (on?) my face. I didn't see it.

You'd figure that knowing why would help one feel better and stop wishing for things that ain't gonna happen right?

Stupidity no. 2. Nope.

I'm 34 this year and guess what? Even to this very day, I look at people and still wish I was "popular", so to speak. Like my brother. He probably envies me because I have a stable job and I seem to have endless amounts of money. Probably.

But I still turn green when I consider how well known he is.

I know why I'm not like that. I'm not really good at being an extrovert. I get self conscious very quickly in a social situation, particularly if I have no "wingman" who can back me up. I'm much too cowardly to even try and "break to envelope". Unless I get a sudden shot of courage, get hit in the head and get amnesia or have a personality transplant, being the centre of attention is just wishful thinking.

I have a good idea why I am like I am. So I ought to just relax and accept the way I am.

And yet there are times I catch myself wishing I was someone else.

When you're 16, that's kind of normal. Expected even.

At 34, that's just stupid. This wishing to be other people malarkey is a symptom of low self worth isn't it?

A 3o-something isn't supposed to have such childish issues anymore.

Now, how do I stop being stupid? How do I increase my "self worth" without deluding myself into thinking I'm "better" than I am?

What I need now is some kind of Magic Bullet that will permanently remove these idiotic occasions where I wish I was someone else and make me permanently satisfied and grateful for being who I am.

Anybody have a magic gun?

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