Hindsight

I was reading old blog posts the other night. That's one of things about having a blog, it helps with remembering what things used to be like. Ups and downs. Things I used to do and say.

Once upon a time things were calm and despite the relative lack of excitement and drama, I was pretty content and happy. I wasn't rich or very popular or hugely successful but it was ok. I'm not particularly ambitious anyway. None of that mattered. What I used to have was more than enough. I just want contentment and happiness. That is all.

I want my old life back dammit.

I'll be one step closer to knowing on Monday. I went for an interview late yesterday evening. It went well enough but I'll only know for sure on Monday. As usual, I have a bad feeling. That's just probably due to a gradual loss of confidence over time. The last nine months have been quite confidence sapping what with so many things not working properly.

I want that to end. I would like to start rebuilding. And soon.

I am grateful for one thing though. I'm not feeling on top of the world right now but how much worse would things be if I didn't go to see a shrink and got "fixed" not too long ago? With the amount of stress I've had to deal with I'd probably gone completely mad. Or worse.

I thought about that. It's a good study in contrasts between then and now.

In the meantime, I'm going to continue testing and messing around in Free Realms. Not bad for a free MMO.

I Was Bored So...

When I'm bored (and when I'm not fretting over things I can't control) I go and read stuff on the internet. Like the excellent Neatorama, a collection of err... neat finds from around the www.

Like this excellent electronica video based on the classic musical Mary Poppins:-



Check it out, it's great. The guy who created this mix has a whole collection of them.

I also decided to change to a "wider" blog template so that when I embed YouTube videos the video box won't overflow. The new template is also clean and easy to read I think. What do you think?

I might play around with the colours when I'm up to it. The present colours are fine but I may have one or two ideas to brighten it up.

New Buffy

The trend these days is to reboot things isn't it? Batman, Star Trek, Bond, any number of old horror movies and slasher flicks have all been rebooted.

I'm pretty open minded about people taking some older works of fiction and rethinking it to suit contemporary tastes. But when I heard that a Buffy reboot is in the works I initially thought, WHAT!!? WHY reboot?! What's wrong with the old Buffy?? Why don't they just do a Buffy movie using the TV series time line? Or even do a Fray movie?

Then I went outside for awhile and after calming down a bit I'm deciding that this is actually a very interesting idea. Unfortunately, people who don't follow the Buffyverse will probably feel like they're watching an Underworld or Blade clone.

If done properly, viewers will notice that this is not the case at all.

The idea and concept of Buffy the Vampire Slayer is very, very different. The Buffyverse is all about subverting tropes and stereotypes, under the creative leadership of Joss Whedon anyway.

Whoever is going to develop the new Buffy franchise had better get this right especially since Joss Whedon will not be involved with it to my dismay. I hope it doesn't end up being your typical vampire movie. It should be a vampire movie with all the normal conventions turned on its head. This is the core of the Buffy universe. This was what made the TV series so much fun to watch.

From what I read so far, the new timeline with have little to do with the Buffy that we know and love. There will be no SMG. No Giles. No Scooby Gang. No Angel. No Spike. From what I've read so far, the intention is to make the film darker.

Which is quite good provided they stay faithful to the idea and point of the whole Buffy story. A darker Buffy might draw a larger fanbase and that is a good thing.

So now we arrive at a very important question. Who on earth is going to play Buffy and can she be as good as Sarah Michelle Gellar?

Any ideas?

Flash

I've been having a tense few days, agonising over which way to go career-wise. Some people say I should take one way and some other people say I should take the other way. Being split in half is difficult to handle.

Something occurred to me just now on my way home from a night out with friends.

Part of the tension is caused by my fear of upsetting people whose opinions I value. The trouble now is that whichever direction I choose, there will be people who have the right to be unhappy with it. This is justified. If someone gives advise and suggestions that end up not being followed, it doesn't leave a very good impression to say the least.

Then it hit me. Ultimately this is my life and ultimately, I am the one who has to live with the consequences of whatever decision I make. Therefore, I should be making decisions based on what I feel is good for me. Not based on whom I may or may not disappoint.

What I feel is good for me. That sounds incredibly selfish when you say it out loud particularly when other people have spent time and effort with well meaning help and advise. But in the end, you have to look out for number one and go with your instincts.

And my instincts say...

Well, remember that job offer I got the other day? There's been a slight delay. This delay is causing me some anxiety. I would prefer it if I knew the outcome soon so I can finally make a decision. Also, I can finally inform other people that I won't be available anymore.

What I'm saying is I need a decisive end to the quandary that I'm facing now. I don't do anxiety very well.

At least I have Sims 3 to fall back to while I wait..

Ooooohh....

I checked out TSB.com.my just now and apparently, The Sims 3 is already out and available right now!

I also went and watched some gameplay videos and by God, it looks so so very sweet. I'm definitely playing this once I get around to getting it.

Another good thing is the size of the game. I was expecting a giant hard disk hog but apparently it only needs 6.1Gb of space despite all the content available. Relatively small for games these days. I have games that are between 8Gb and 14Gb in my computer so this is great news for me. No need to shell out on that new hard disk yet.

The best thing I've read about the new Sims game is now your entire neighbourhood is loaded and running when you load/start your game instead of only your house like in the previous Sims. That means you can go outside and do things like lepak with your neighbours or go to the gym or go shopping without loading a separate module. This will make the game run faster and feel more "real".

Awesome!

People might be wondering if their PCs can run the game so here's the recommended spec I got from Wiki.

Requirements
Operating System	Windows XP Service Pack 2 or Windows Vista Service Pack 1
CPU	Intel Pentium 4 or equivalent 2.0GHz (XP) 2.4GHz (Vista) [If built-in graphics chipsets then 2.6 GHz Pentium D CPU, or 1.8 GHz Core 2 Duo, or equivalent.]
Memory	1 GB (XP) 1.5GB (Vista)[If built-in graphics then add 0.5 GB additional RAM]
Hard Drive Space	6.1GB or more for extra content
Graphics Hardware	DirectX 9.0c compliant card with 128 MB RAM (NVIDIA FX 5900/ATI 9500 or better) and support for Pixel Shader 2.0
Sound Hardware	100% DirectX 9.0c compliant card

Not so bad and many of my friends will be able to run it. This means more things to talk about when we hang out!

Unfortunately, this game is not out for consoles yet but I read somewhere that console versions will appear sooner or later.

I'm going to write something about The Sims 3 again once I manage to get my hands on it.

Oh yeah, if people want to buy ori it will cost RM139 for the basic game and 169 for the Collector's Edition.

Lifting Clouds

My old boss from my old company texted me this morning. He offered me an IT job!

Holy shit!

Half Done

May is almost over. I'm glad.

Gawai is in a couple of days. I'm just going to take it easy. Most of the people I'd want to visit aren't here anyway.

Gawai is a celebration of thanks for a good harvest. Sad to say mine wasn't so good this year. Perhaps next Gawai I'll have more things to be grateful for.

In all this, at least I have my friends. No one could wish for better company.

Happy Gawai everyone.

Again?

I'm not feeling very good right now. Remember how I got thrown off a barge last time? They say they want me back. I'm not sure exactly when. Could be tonight. Could be the end of next year. I don't particularly care at the moment.

I should be feeling pretty good but in fact I'm feeling very meh and a little bit pissed off actually. Why now? I would have felt better had they never considered wanting me back. At least I can close the door on that awful experience. I'm feeling some pressure now because if something goes wrong again people are really going to blame me for it regardless of whose fault it is.

I shouldn't be feeling so negative but how can I not? Stupid weird shit happens a lot in my life. Who's to say God himself won't ruin my life again just for laughs? It's not as if it's not happened before.

Nevertheless, necessity forces me to consider any kind of work that comes by at the moment. I remember making plans on my way out on that ill fated first trip a few weeks ago. This time, I don't think I'll do that anymore. Call me a pessimist but making long term plans sometimes feel like you're tempting fate.

So no change from last week. The wind blows and there will I be wherever is it. Whoever gives me work first is where I'll end up long term.

June is approaching and I really, really hope I get some kind of break for the second half of this year. The first half has been nothing but disastrous.

Still Nothing

I need more ideas for more places to send my resume to. I've done it for all the usual places on the net. I've looked at the papers and as usual there is nothing there.

I've managed to cut my expenses down to almost nothing so the situation isn't very dire...yet. I have some support to manage my commitments. In fact, my biggest concern now is actually boredom.

I've also decided to expand my search to involve other fields like those involving translation and language work. Can't hurt to try now can it?

So how about oil and gas? Well, the whole failed urine test experience has left a really, really bad taste in my mouth. Every day I'm feeling less and less inclined to try again. I'm not sure if I can hack it working something that I don't really love doing despite the potential for good income. The bad initial experience does not help at all.

My first choice will always be to work with computers. That is what I do and what I'm good at.

Hopefully, the application I sent last week will bring some news. Heck, at this time even a rejection is better than no sound at all.

Starting All Over Again

There was a power failure at my house yesterday evening. I got bored and went out. I drove around for awhile and ended up watching Star Trek by myself. It was nice.

I also prepared a job application late last night. There is a position available at a leading hotel here in Kuching. My mom helped send it this morning.

I hope something good will happen. After all that's been happening, I deserve a bit of luck. My family needs that bit of luck too. I've been nothing but a drain to them. They deserve better than this.

Will I go out to sea again? I don't know.

Since The Fates like to screw around with my life I'm just going to let them decide. Whichever job becomes available first that is where I'm going. If I get a job on land first then that's it. If I get another offer to go offshore before that, then I'm going.

Whatever happens, it can't screw up again. I'm not getting any younger and I can no longer waste time blundering around anymore. I hope The Powers That Be understand.

A Greek Tragedy

...can be made out of the story of my life. Something terrible has happened again.

I failed a urine test on the barge. I tested positive for opiates. Opiates! How on earth did that get in my system!?

I arrive on the barge, go through the usual registration, induction etc, meet some of my new shipmates, pick up my gear and go to sick bay to do a urine test. Then I go to my bunk to rest until I report to my station.

Despite all that stuff I said earlier, I was actually stoked to be there finally. Then, the safety guy comes over and asks me to follow him. That was when the medic told me about the "problem".

None of us were happy about it so we decide to wait an hour and do it again. No good. Also positive.

I didn't know what to say. The medic and the safety told me they had no choice. There are regulations about these things. I knew. I understood. They asked me if I had taken any medication that might have opiates in them. No. I only took some seasickness tablets and those don't have morphine in them. I told them I don't do drugs. They believed me.

So where did the opiate in my system come from? Damned if I know. The medic shook my hand and apologized. He then signed the report and off I went. By the way, boat transfers at night are VERY nervy. Especially when the sea is choppy.

My entire first trip lasted all of 3 hours, not including the 21 hours I spent sitting in a crew boat getting there. The only upside was that when the rest of the crew found out they seemed genuinely shocked and sorry about it. Even the superintendent.

I'm not pissed off at any of them. This wasn't their fault.

Why do these things happen to me? First the Oz scam and now this? Who is responsible for these disasters that seem to beset me when I try to do things?

On the way back to land, the only thing I could think of was to clear my name. I make landfall and all my travel arrangements have been made. I fly out the next day to Miri to see my boss. That was on Monday. On Tuesday, I met him. I thought they were going to eat me alive. Instead, they were surprisingly calm. Even the biggest boss.

They told me what I already knew and accepted. The job is gone. They have a replacement flying out that very minute (and who happens to be a friend of mine too, so that's a good thing I suppose). The only thing they can do now is to clear things up. So they send me off to a clinic to do a more thorough test...

...which turned out negative. They are going to use this information to make some inquiries. They won't tell me what kind exactly.

I took the bus home from Miri last night. Lots of time to think on a 14 hour bus ride. I got in this morning and now I sit in front of my PC at home, not knowing exactly what to think or feel.

I'm just.... numb and shocked. And bewildered. And embarrassed. I made plans and I actually told people about it. What are they going to think of me now?

Everything was going great up until that urine test. It's just crazy. Opiates in my system. How? Or maybe the question should be, who? I don't want to speculate and play with conspiracy theories. I have a big enough headache already.

Why do these things happen to me? First the Oz trip and now this!?

In the bus, I thought to myself maybe this is a hint of some kind. Perhaps I was never meant to do "adventurous" things. Maybe it would be better for me if I just stuck to what I know and do best, fixing computers and other IT work.

There is no time to mope and feel sorry for myself. I have absolutely no money left. I need to find work. Any work. Right now.

ROTF

The new Transformers 2 trailer is out. Damn. The movie's release seems like a whole lifetime away. I can barely wait for it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z_Veo0G2qfY

In Transit

I had a rough day yesterday. Didn't get much sleep in the morning due to that phone call. I ran around all day preparing things and by 5 pm I was at the airport. I had the worst case of nerves you could imagine. The sweltering heat didn't help at all. Mercifully, it rained last night.

I feel much better this morning. A bit of food and a good night's sleep makes all the difference.

Anyway, the original plan was for me to check out and leave tonight but not 30 seconds ago I received a call telling me that I'm going off tomorrow instead. That probably means there isn't enough time to do all my paperwork today. Which is ok I guess. Could use some more rest.

I'm in a hotel in Geylang right now. I'm going to have to find something to do today. I could go out and explore but to be honest, I don't feel all that touristy at the moment.

I'm not much of a traveler. I don't feel all that comfortable in strange places. Takes a bit of time for me to get used to new settings. Especially when I'm all alone like now. That is my peeve today, the fact that I'm completely alone with no one to talk to. Maybe I'll take a walk later and come back in the evening to surf the net.

Can you imagine how hard this would have been without access to the internet? I would die of boredom.

Anyway, while I'm still kind of anxious I'm not nearly as fearful as I was yesterday. I'm guessing this was caused by the initial shock of the hey-you're-leaving-today-get-your-stuff-ready phone call and the lack of sleep.

Have I ever mentioned how I hate surprises? At least this thing is real unlike that Oz scam I got caught up in. That experience was very damaging for me in terms of confidence and morale. I blame that for the excessive amounts bad emotions and thoughts I've been having in the days leading up to yesterday. If it weren't for that I would be way more confident and be raring to go instead.

At least I'm feeling much more positive today. Barring any disasters I should be able to fit in with my new colleagues. I hope things will be ok once I get out to sea in the next one or two days. I hope I'll do well and maybe even enjoy the experience.

Whatever happens this is something new and exciting for me.

EDIT: Something happened a minute ago that is equally surprising and irksome at the same time. I received mail from another offshore contractor telling me that they had received my resume and now they want my other documents (seaman book, certs etc). I laughed. I've always felt that The Fates like to mess with me and this is them doing it again. Where was this job offer two weeks ago? Funny thing is, I don't remember sending them my resume in the 1st place. Oh well... When it rains it pours.

Maybe I should ask them how much they pay?

Time to Go

Apparently, I'm going to Singapore this evening. I've been warned about this but it's still a bit sudden.

Fears and anxiety notwithstanding, it's now. By this time tomorrow, I'll be at sea. Wish me luck. My biggest peeve is that I didn't get to say goodbye to everyone.

Hopefully, 2 months from now I'll be a much happier person.

I have a plan. If all goes well, I'll work this job 4, maybe 5 years. I have a financial target. If I meet that target, I'll quit. If all goes well, I'll never have to work for a living again after that.

Financial freedom. I'll sacrifice 5 years of my life in exchange for the rest of my life. That's the motivation now.

Dollhouse

After Buffy and Angel, I don't watch much tv related material anymore. Not even Heroes although I feel it's really, really good from the few episodes I did manage to watch.

However, I might start following Dollhouse regularly. Why?

It's a Joss Whedon created Mutant Enemy product. Joss Whedon is awesome and I'm always interested in what he does. The show's premise is fascinating. The lead is Eliza Dushku, one of my favourite exBuffy/Angel people. She also produces the show. Amy Acker also plays a minor recurring role.

I've seen some teasers and recaps and I like what I'm seeing. I hope Fox renews it for a second season. I'm going to hunt for episodes tonight.

Here's a recap from Youtube. (Spoiler alert).

Gaga Does Coldplay

I find it a bit odd that she chooses to wrap her voice with all that electronic pop stuff in debut album. I mean listen to this...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NOEVKL0y1lQ

Lady Gaga Coldplay cover. She's a good pianist no?

*Can't embed video. The widescreen format spills over the post column.

Edit: Another nice video. Paparazzi i.e my favourite track from The Fame.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oP8SrlbpJ5A (Piano acoustic)

Nothing to Say

Like the title says. Nothing of note to write about.

A few days ago I had this weird craving for Yeo's Chicken Curry. The one in the can. God knows why.

Apart from that random piece of information there's nothing happening at all.

Oh yes, a friend came back from offshore and passed me some more tips. I feel a little bit more encouraged but not by so much.

Still a bit anxious but not as bad as it was last week. This offshore job thing had better not be one of life's bad jokes. I've had a lot of that and it's not really that funny.

Not Gone...Yet

I guess I spoke too soon.

It's 6.00am on Thursday morning and I've just endured a 15 hour bus ride from Miri back to Kuching.

So what happened? Well, the original plan was for me to stay in Miri for a few days before deploying. Usually this is how these things work. However due to some circumstances and last minute changes I'm going off in the 2nd week of May instead. Which is great news because that means I can tie up some unfinished business and put in some extra training before mobilizing. And to see all my friends off course.

This could still change though. They could still call me later and ask me to pack up and go immediately. These things can happen too.

It wasn't a complete waste of time though. I got to talk with the new boss, hung out with a friend I haven't met in a while and most importantly, signed a contract. The money's pretty good and I'm pleased with it.

Also, I'm feeling a lot less nervous about the whole thing. I guess some mental conditioning was required. The first call really caught me off guard and by this time I wasn't thinking about going off at all. After hanging out and meeting the new boss and talking to some people I feel like I'm ready for it. As ready as a noob radioman will be anyway.

Right now, my tentative itinerary would involve flying out to Singapore then to Batam then to the barge off the coast. I say tentative because again, things can change at the last minute.

I guess all that's left to do now is to prepare as well as possible and try to do well. Things are going to change quite a bit this year.

Finally for some off topic comments.

I forgot one very important preflight rule yesterday morning. Avoid caffeine. It increases the blood pressure and during descent one blood vessel behind my left eye started throbbing and it hurt like a motherf***er.

Long bus rides are not fun even on a reasonably comfortable bus. Also in order to appreciate how big Sarawak really is, a bus ride from Miri to Kuching (or vice versa) would put that into perspective quite clearly. I left at 1400 yesterday afternoon. We stopped in Batu Niah, Bintulu, Selangau and Sibu before fueling up at the Penrissen Shell station. Arrived in 4th mile at 0451 this morning.

I won't be doing that again anytime soon. Unless I'm broke and desperate to get home. The ticket cost 80 bucks by the way.

The plan this week is to clear some debts and transfer some reserve funds into my savings account. If all goes well, I'll get all my money back and more within six months.

Wish me luck!

The Call

In a previous post I mentioned that offshore manpower demands have dried up and I was not likely to go off.

Well, The Fates like to play tricks on me. Apparently I am going. Tomorrow.

I received the call today. Someone is leaving and needed replacing.

I cannot even begin to describe the dread I was feeling. I'll admit it right here, from the beginning off the whole offshore thing last year I've had doubts about whether I can handle that kind of work. Actually that overwhelming dread started during the safety course. I have no idea why. I also imagined all kinds of nasty, antisocial types working in the offshore industry. I don't know where that idea came from either.

Well, that's just me. I've always had little confidence in trying new, more challenging things. The whole idea was to break that. And the money, obviously.

I feel much better now. I went out with a good friend just now and we talked. It makes things seem less frightening. Anyway, my brother is doing well and so is another friend. Why shouldn't I do just as well?

Well, we'll soon find out. My greatest wish now is for me to enjoy this new line of work and be as successful as I was in my previous job. And if I don't do well, so what? At least I tried.

There isn't much to worry about actually. It's just me being silly.

If I find myself liking it I will succeed in my plans to retire early provided I don't suddenly develop expensive, extravagant tastes.

Wish me luck folks.

Zooey

I've been watching (or rather re-watching) a lot of DVDs lately. I think I've watched Transformers 3 times already this week.

I also watched Yes Man earlier this week. Good movie. Starring Jim Carrey and Zooey Deschanel. Ah Zooey..

I like Zooey. She is one of my favourite actresses. I've seen a number of her movies and I liked them all. She's also part of She & Him. Like most things involving Zooey She & Him's music is very... quirky?. Just watch that video on top of the post and see what I mean.

I was trawling Youtube for interviews and I found one where she mentioned the Speech Accent Archive. It's a collection of various English accents from all over the world by both native and non-native speakers. It's awesome. (It uses Quicktime so if it doesn't work with Firefox open it in Explorer.)

And while listening to the supposedly Malaysian accent it got me thinking. Is there such a thing as a proper Malaysian accent? (Manglish doesn't count). There are so many ethnic groups here and they all sound different when speaking English. Heck, all my friends speak English and they all sound different.

What do you think? What's the definitive Malaysian English accent if such a thing exists?

On that note, here's another great song from She & Him.