Unlike last night, I'm feeling very tired and sleepy. Also unlike last night, I won't talk about work tonight. The only thing I'll say is I'm glad the week is out. It a hard week. But in a good way.
I feel like writing about random things. Things that crossed my mind in the last few minutes. So this post is not going to be about anything specific. I haven't had the urge to ramble in a long time. I kinda miss it.
I like to read random blogs sometimes and there are things that make me shake my head and sigh. Things like anonymous people leaving nasty comments on other people's blogs. Especially if the post is a happy shiny one. It's just very..... unseemly to do such a thing.
Actually, I get it. It's part of our human nature to be envious. There are times when it's hard to see good things happening to other people. Why wouldn't it be hard? There be times when you put in the effort and try your best only to lose out to someone else who just shows up at the last minute. It's hard to accept that other people enjoy better luck than you. Especially when you feel more deserving of said good luck.
It's like playing for Hull City in the Premier League. You turn out, pumped up with all that blood and thunder. Then you lose badly to a top side playing at half pace while they save themselves for a midweek Champions League game. Everyone loves winners but how many of us actually try to empathise with people who lose despite their best efforts.
It's easy to be bitter. I'm was an expert at being bitter. Just read my past blog entries. Especially those laments about failed attempts at building a relationship.
Being the expert that I was (or am?), I also understand that envy isn't always malicious. It isn't always about bringing someone down. Most of the time, it's about ourselves and the envy is just a manifestation of the unhappines we feel about our own state of being.
There may actually be a good point or two in here somewhere. One of those points would be, it helps to understand where envy comes from. If you are feeling envious, the cause might be something happening in your life instead of whatever/whoever is the object of that envy. So envy should be treated as a flag. Or an error message. Or a warning in your personal event viewer. Something is wrong somewhere and you should go look for it.
The other thing I thought about was youth.
Ah to being young again. I remember that vaguely. Holding on to ideals about life and love and things like that. Having dreams and having your whole life ahead of you. So much enthusiasm. So much hope. What could possibly go wrong?
Then real life happens. Then you find out that many of the platitudes people keep saying to us are complete and utter bollocks.
I worry sometimes when I read hopeful, enthusiastic posts written by teenagers and young adults about their plans, their "perfect" love life, the dream job that they will surely land when they leave uni etc.
Our parents and older relatives usually fail to mention that life is cruel and cold and bad things happen no matter how good you are or how hard you work, that evil, nasty people get rich and prosper not inspite of their ways but because of it. That life is unfair.
Sure, they will probably say that you have to work hard, struggle etc. But that's not even close to how dark and nihilistic things can be. I guess it's hard to put into words without sounding discouraging. Maybe that's why.
Things happen and people break. Then they feel envious of people who zoom past them in life. Get more money doing things they love. Get married to beautiful people. Have families. While they are stuck in a shitty dead end job that doesn't pay and remain undateably single despite their own efforts.
For those kids who are going to be broken by the world (and this WILL happen to some people like it or not), I can only hope that they have support from strong families or good friends. They're going to need it.
No, this post isn't about me. Maybe it's about what USED to be me. I'm pretty chipper this week. I don't have most of the things that I wished for but I'm pretty ok with that now. If life is a poker game then I didn't get a good hand. But what choice does one have but to keep on playing?
I got lucky this week. Who knows when I'll get lucky again? Probably not so soon. Even as good things happen in my life, I'm looking over the shoulder bracing myself for disaster. I guess I got used to it after all the things that I've been through.
Sorry for the babblefest. Just felt like writing is all.
Have a good weekend.
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