Tuesday, December 18, 2007

The Long Road Ahead

This morning the air was very, very clear. It was quite a pleasant drive home, despite the senseless yakking of Mix FM DJs coming from my speakers. Oh yeah, that He Says She Says segment on Mix is a terrible idea and completely not funny. These days we are supposed to promote understanding between men and women, not split them apart by playing the blame game. It doesn't help at all and it's a really stupid idea, in my opinion. Anyway...

It struck me how close we are to the end of what is turning out to be a pretty good year. It is the year I got myself back after so many previous years of being burdened by dysthymia. No, life hasn't gotten any better or easier than it used to be actually. There are still things that suck balls in this life.

The difference is that I no longer feel like wanting the ground to open and swallow me up. Even with all the crap that's happening and the strife of daily existence, at least I don't feel helpless anymore. Like I can make some kind of difference. Whether I can or not is a completely different story though.

I do realize some things can't be changed, certain actions can't be taken back and certain mistakes are terminal and that you will spend your whole life paying for them. I was thinking this morning maybe life is fair after all in the long run. Maybe the reason why I can't get certain things to happen in my life is because I'm just not up to standard.

It's like sports. You can try hard but if you're simply not good enough you can't win no matter how hard you try.

The difference these days is that truths like that no longer plunge me into a dark place. It's the truth after all. Accept it and no need to get upset over it.

Anyway, for me 2007 is a year of drastic change and freedom from the personal prison that I've been in. It is a year to be grateful for and to be pleased about. Christmas is next week and I'm on leave as usual this time of year. I hope to relax and be happy with people who are important to me.

Next year? I hope 2008 is the year I make up for lost time. Despite my own feelings about it, I hope it's not too late to salvage some of those lost plans. It will be a long road again. Only this time, I'm really looking forward to it. This time there is no demon trying to trip me up.

It's nice to not be depressed anymore.

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