Red

There's an article I noticed recently in the paper, I can't remember which one. Something to do with rude drivers having low emotional maturity. That was an interesting article.

Emotional maturity. That's an interesting concept. I haven't found any definitions, but I think part of emotional maturity is the ability the reign in and control emotions. Or perhaps the degree of control emotions have over a person.

Which brings me to the point of this post. This is a very rare moment these days. Totally of the cuff rant from me. This is going to be freestyle posting, with no thought, no filtering and no planning. So if it sounds biased or whatever, sorry about that then.

It's more of a confession than a rant actually.

Last night, I had a very bad argument with somebody. But the argument is not the point. The point is something that I noticed about myself. Something distressing. And no, it's not me being emo again.

Last night's argument should not have happened. In fact, two years ago, when I was a pathetic depressed whiny bastard, it wouldn't have. I wouldn't be able to muster enough anger for it.

Last night I was able to. And this morning, I got really upset at an innocuous support call. I know people don't call to annoy me, they call because they need help. And yet, even knowing that, I very nearly lost it.

In the last 24 hours, I have been losing my temper MUCH too fast. I'm beginning to turn into something I detest.

Dammit. I have no idea why.

In my entire life, I have never ever thought that I could have trouble with temper because that's just not me. I don't get pissed off. Period. Or at least it's always in control. Anger was never a problem.

This is just great, while I grapple with one demon, along comes reinforcements. This is a good joke heh?

Anyway, I need to do something about this before I inadvertently destroy myself, my friends, my family, my career etc. I can't afford to lose any of it. I need to calm down.

I'm concerned about this. I'm a lot of things, but one of those things that I don't want to become is a person who flies off the handle with the slightest provocation, for no good reason at all. I don't like that, in the people I'm with and most of all in myself.

I hate anger. Anger destroys. I don't want it any more than random episodes of depression. I don't like it when people get angry (especially suddenly and without reason) and here I am, in danger of becoming exactly that. What the hell??

I'm going to have to force myself to be calm, to be rational, no matter what kind of provocation I encounter. This is what I need to do today.

No matter what things I hear or what people say. Whoever can accuse me whatever they want, they can say how screwed up I am, I'm going to try my hardest to deal with that without losing my temper.

Dammit, being mad sucks!