A Nice Weekend

I had a nice weekend.

Yesterday, we went up to Singgai to visit Will. It was fun. It rained earlier in the day but happily it stopped by the time we got there. There is a stream not far away. We spent most of the late afternoon there.

In the evening, we just sat around drinking beer and playing UNO. It was fun.

Talking about fun, I downloaded a bunch of Nintendo emulators recently together with something like 180 games. It's brilliant especially the SNES emulator and the Nintendo ROMs. It's such a coincidence that I also recently bought a gamepad to play FIFA07 with. Those emulators and ancient games will make sure the gamepad is going to be well used.

Because I have so many games to wade through, I only discovered that I had Super Mario All-Stars this morning. It's a remake of all the original Mario games. I'm playing the remake of Super Mario Brothers. Maybe this time around I'll actually finish the game!

I also have Contra 3. And Super Bomberman. And Streetfighter Z! Ahh the joys of revisiting the distant past...

I really like the SNES emulator. I remember thinking how awesome would it be to own an SNES when it first came out. And now I have it. Unfortunately, I don't know many SNES games. I bet that'll change soon.

There is a torrent file somewhere out there that contains 1.7Gb worth of various Nintendo ROMs. I'm seriously thinking about downloading it.

So yeah, I have a lot of stuff to play around with. It's awesome.

Oh yes one final thing that is completely off topic.

While we were at Will's house, some of the household was watching Inul Daratista videos. I found it strangely... compelling. I remember reading some news a while back about some of her "provocative" choreography.

After watching the videos, I can understand how it would bother some people. There are Inul videos on YouTube. Watch them and see what I'm talking about.

Hehe.

A Quiet Place Inside

Usually, working at night tends to cause a rather unhappy reaction with me. I usually feel worse at night in the office when I am alone. Too much time alone with no body around for distraction tends to bring out the worse kind of negative thinking. It's when my brain digs up its worse memories and chew on them.

It's been 4 days since I began taking the meds. On the 1st day, it didn't seem like much. I was glad that I was finally doing something about being depressed, but I didn't feel anything different. Apart from the slight nausea.

This is normal from what I can gather. According to the doc, it takes 4-6 weeks for the meds to fully establish itself.

So on the 1st day, everything was pretty much as it was. But lately...

It's kind of hard to explain. For lack of a better way to describe it, I would say that things are "quieter". Quieter in the sense that in my head and in my emotions, there is only me. I only hear myself these days. I no longer hear whatever it was that used to be there, the thing that reminds me of my failings, my mistakes and regrets. That thing that fills me with overwhelming guilt and the overpowering sense of despair, is just a whisper now. No longer a roar. It's just on the fringes now, no longer being taken seriously.

I'm not sure if I'm saying this right.

It's a strange place to be in. I no longer feel as bad about myself or the things that I do. I no longer feel as if life has passed me by. Day by day, I can feel those toxic emotions slowly fade further and further away as the drugs work inside my head.

It's the weirdest sensation.

Actually, the thoughts are still there. But now, I see them forming in my head and as soon as I do, I knock them out of the park. Easily. In minutes. It's easier to do that now. No more excessive struggling. Like I said, the evil voices are just whispers now. Now in my head, I hear me and only me.

It's hard to explain.

Gee, I sound like a crazy person don't I? Maybe I am not all there. Maybe I wasn't all there in the first place. Maybe after I finish my treatment I will finally have all my tools in the box so to speak. I fervently hope so.

This week is night work week and even more interesting, the factory is shut down for a few days due to the holidays. There is literally no one here. There are only half a dozen people here at night this last 2 days. Normally there will be at least 500 people on the floor. It's deathly quiet right now.

I can only imagine how bad this week would've been if I wasn't on anti-depressants.

I do have some questions though.

What is actually making me feel so much better? Is it the meds or is it what they call the "placebo effect" i.e just the IDEA of me taking meds as opposed to the meds themselves?

It's only been 4 days and already I feel distinctly different. How am I going to feel when the meds fully kick in in a month's time? I'm curious. I suppose I'll find out when it happens.

Finally, what will happen when I finish my course of meds? Will I be able to prevent a relapse without the drugs? Will the change be permanent? Will I be able to live normally and not get sucked back in? Will it remain quiet inside?

I guess I'll find out when I get there and at least now I know I have options and means to help myself if necessary.

Like I was saying before, it's a very important time in my life and I can safely say that as far as this blog is concerned, some of the next few entries in the next few months will be the most important entries I will ever write.

I hope that far in the future I can look back, reread these entries and recall how I made my escape from Hell.

Have a nice week.

A Good Weekend

We had a nice D&D session yesterday. I'm getting the hang of game mastering. I felt very comfortable and not at all awkward.

Looking forward to the next session next week.

I'm having a decent weekend.

I also went to my doctor's appointment yesterday. My next one is in 2 weeks' time. I have some medication to try out. Hopefully they work.

The cost was high but not quite as high as I imagined it would have been.

The side effects aren't too bad so far, just a little nausea. Nothing I can't deal with.

This is a vital time. Very important.

BlablaBlablaBlablaBlabla

It's Wednesday and it feels like a good time to post. Today is one of those days when I feel the urge to write. Those types of days are quite rare now.

As usual, I don't really know what to write.

I felt like writing something about bloggers and the government being scared of them and bla bla bla but honestly, I'm tired of doing current affairs stuff. It's so tiring and it makes me mad, you know?

Besides there are dozens more people who are in a better position to do that kind of stuff anyway.

Now about me not knowing what to write.

It's a strange state of affairs considering how prolific I was a few years back. Perhaps this is what is called all wrote out? I really got nothing new to say.

Except for the last few weeks I've been running a D&D game with my friends. I still haven't really found my feet yet as a DM. It's something that I need to work on.

It's a good thing that our former DM came back from Singapore recently. I had a chat about D& D with him the other day and it was alright. Very useful.

Apart from that there really is nothing new.

This is the type of situation that makes me ask what is to become of my life in general. I feel like I've hit a point of resistance where I feel like I've done all that I could (even though I KNOW that's not true, it's just a feeling you know?) and I lack the motivation and the interest to go and try to find more.

It's like I'm a plane and I've hit my service ceiling.

No no this is not a complaint. I'm not looking for advice or whatever. I'm just tapping away at the keyboard with no idea of what I'm going to write next.

Perhaps the thing that I'm supposed to be doing later this month will help move me a bit. Maybe. I hope so. I wonder if it is possible for me to feel differently about things and live a "different" life?

One where I'm not haunted by guilt and sadness and the very negative thinking that comes and goes and comes again every once in a while?

I wonder what I would become if I ever laid my ghosts to rest? I wonder what it's like to be.. what's it?

Satisfied. Happy. Content.

I better stop writing about this. This is tempting fate. With my luck the fates will latch on to my plans and screw it up. Or make me screw it up for them. Or something like that.

It's near the end of April and time just flies by doesn't it? I'll be 34 in 3 months.

I want to say I'm scared but alarmed as I am, I can't be bothered any more. I feel that it's not a good idea for me to compare myself with other 34 year olds.

I have no right to. I reap what I sow and I am here today mostly on the back of all the things that I've done.

Perhaps one day in the not too distant future, I will be in a better place due to the things that I'm doing now. Maybe this time, I do more right than wrong.

Maybe.

Ok, that's enough for today.

Still Waiting

It's a Sunday and I'm having a rather slow day at work. It's overtime and although boring, I could use the extra money.

My computer at home has decided to act strange. When I switch it on, it work restart over and over without booting up to desktop. It would do this for about half a dozen times before booting up properly. Or when I hit reset. I haven't figured out how to work around it yet.

I don't know what's wrong with it. I hope I don't have a replace anything or reformat my hard disk. A reformat would be so much hassle. I have so much stuff in my hard disks which I have to reinstall if I do end up reformatting.

From my observations, I think it's either some kind of power supply glitch or one of the various switches is shorting out. I really hope it's some kind of electrical problem and not a hardware failure.

I hope to sort it out this evening. I need to finish my Nod campaign in CnC 3.

Talking about need, I need a haircut. Tomorrow maybe.

I don't feel so good. Kind of gloomy. No particular reason, as usual. It's seems like it's my natural state. Leave me alone for more than 6 hours and I will naturally drift towards melancholy. I don't know why. I hope I will find out soon.

I hope the rest of the day will be ok. I hope that the rest of the week will pass by swiftly. If all goes well, by next weekend I will take the first steps on the road to finding out why I feel the way I do and perhaps to change it somewhere down the line. Permanently.

Yes I'm trying to be hopeful.

While I'm hopeful, I'm also aware of the fact the 33% of the time, treatment won't work on psychological ailments.

This is me we're talking about and I have a thing for not finishing things I start. So what are the odds?

With all honesty, I have a bad feeling about this.

Waiting

Yesterday, America's latest school shooting had everyone in the office talking about it. Especially about what made the shooter do it. They were also very surprised to learn that psychological ailments aren't covered by the company.

Not many people knew that apparently.

I also noted another thing. Many of my colleagues don't really know much about psychological disorders. They don't really get the fact that it is an illness. Like flu, except that it affects one's mind and soul. That was how I described it anyway.

I don't blame them for not knowing though. Not many people know to be fair.

I still haven't went to the doc yet. Apparently, he was on leave and is only coming back to work tomorrow. Also the doc's office told me that his schedule is full. I'm calling in again tomorrow to try set up an appointment. Even then, the nurse told me that I might not be able to get one anytime soon.

It's rather frustrating. Here I am trying to be proactive and it's not really happening.

If I can't get an appointment within next week, I'll just drive down there and see whoever they have available at that time. I could sit and wait but in my experience if I sit and wait, that's all I'll end up doing. Sitting and waiting.

I'm done with that thank you. Ain't getting any younger and everyday I can feel the life flow out of me.

I suppose I could try the government hospital but that would mean lines of people and more waiting around. Still an option though. If worse comes to worse, I'll take it. We'll see what happens.

Considering the current delay, it's a good thing that I'm actually feeling really good this week. This act of taking action has given me quite a lift.

Still hoping for the best and hopefully things happen soon.

Different States of Mind

I don't know what was I so dramatic and cryptic about.

Well it seemed like a good idea while I was at work. Also at work I'm in a different environment so I guess that's why it doesn't seem like a big deal now that I'm at home where I'm quite relaxed.

So here it is.

The last 2 posts were actually about my deciding to (finally) consult a psychiatrist about my "condition". Namely clinical depression. It was a scary decision to make. I'm not sure why, but the whole thing does scare me quite a bit.

The whole thing started while I was at work last week. I was having some flu and fever so I went to see the medical assistant. While I was there, we got to talking about what the company policy was on "rare" medical cases. Like psychological problems.

One thing led to another and she recommended that I see the inhouse doctor which I did. More things led to other things and after many questions and the filling of one form later, now I have in my possession a letter of reference for a certain psychiatrist.

Unfortunately, the good doctor is on leave this week so I can only meet him next week. So my impending treatment is going to have to wait again, much to my disappointment.

There you have it.

But wait? Didn't I claim in other posts that I was no longer depressed? At the time of writing, I thought so too. But as time went by, it slowly dawned to me that it was still there. The only difference is nowadays, I can deal with it better.

But that is not enough. I want to be rid of it forever. I want to be able to feel things like happiness. I would like to go through days where I don't conjure up evil negative thoughts about things that I do. I would like to get through days when I don't fill wretched and wracked with guilt for no good reason. It would be nice for once if I lose my temper or if I feel upset it would be because something bad happened. As in the present and not two decades ago.

In short, I want to be normal and free like everybody else.

I thought I could handle it and get over it by myself but who am I kidding? What I'm doing these days is damage mitigation not cure. I've tried and it's now time to step it up a level and bring some reinforcements.

Despite it's potentially enormous cost, this is my decision. I hope I won't regret it. By the way, psychiatry isn't covered by neither my medical benefits nor my insurance. So it's all me.

One more thing. My parents and other family don't know. Most of my friends don't know. My colleagues don't know.

Should I tell them?

Friday the 13th

There is a line in a Fallout Boy song that goes along the lines of "The hardest thing to do and the right thing to do are often the same thing" or somewhere along that.

It's quite true actually. Hence the cliche.

Despite the rather ominous day\date combination, today has been excellent. I went through something very important today. I'm very relieved. Before this, I went through a multitude of negative scenarios. I was quite anxious. But now I'm not.

I continue tomorrow and these few days could mean a hell of a lot in the long run. It could even be the beginning of me reclaiming the rest of my life.

At the very least, it will help me deal with stuff a lot easier.

At any rate, I'm glad it happened. Have a nice weekend.

Ugh: The Final (Hopefully...)

Last night, I had the worse migraines I've ever had. It was so bad, I really thought I would have to cut my head off to get rid of the pain. It also meant that I wasted one entire day away from work doing nothing at all.

The good news is it seems that was the last of whatever thing I was having over the last week or so because I woke up bright and early this morning and felt no discomfort at all.

I hate being sick. Especially the kind of sick that is serious enough to prevent me from really enjoying myself but not quite serious enough to warrant a few days off work. So I hope that's it for this year. No more illnesses for 2007. I can't afford to waste time recovering from niggling little illnesses.

Today is a rather important day actually. I've decided to do something I maybe should've done a long time ago. I'm going to see someone for advise on a little matter of quite large importance.

Wish me luck.

Oh and the new TMNT movie is really cool.

Clashes

It's Friday. I still feel kind of crappy but I think I should be all good by next Tuesday at the latest.

I went for a quick check up yesterday. I'm quite surprised to learn that my cholesterol levels are normal. Very surprised considering how much I don't really care about things like diet, exercise etc. Same goes for glucose levels and blood pressure. I was expecting all those to be off the charts.

The only thing that was slightly off was my BMI. Normal BMI is 20 - 25. My BMI is 26.6. Slightly out of spec. That means if I lose at least 2Kg I would be in spec again.

It's a good thing I have a bike now. So now I'm thinking I should up the biking to a level that will push my weight down a little. Biking is fun. It's low impact and actually quite relaxing. Hopefully, next week I can con another one of my friends into buying a bike so that we can go biking in groups. All we need to do now is to build up stamina so that we can go on those long rides into the countryside. I'm looking forward to that.

Anyway, I have some other stuff to write about this evening.

Firstly, I've been reading about how the government is thinking about "registering" bloggers. The government also insists that it's not for the purpose of censorship.

Riiigghhht.

Like a lot of ideas coming from the government, this is a futile thing to do. How are they going to enforce it, should they go through with this? They can't. There's a million ways to get around this. Plus, most bloggers I know (like myself) host their blogs overseas. Some bloggers (like LJ users) filter their readers.

How are they going to know who registered and who didn't?

To me, this registration idea is a symptom of the generation gap and the clash between old and new. It's another example of the older generation acting out of fear of something that they don't/can't understand and worse, can't control.

Always with their defensive and protectionist ways. Instead of finding out why bloggers write what they write, they seek to discredit and attack them instead. Instead of explaining their points of view and countering "seditious" bloggers and their "lies", the government is practically telling them to shut up.

I guess as long as people in the government expect commoners to follow and do everything they say without question and as long as the government won't give the average citizen his due respect, shit like this will always happen and will never end.

Jeff Ooi wrote a good post about this that makes good reading. Whatever happens, I'm not "registering" and that is final.

Talking about clashes and similar things, I read another clash inducing story recently. Something about how men are to blame for all the women who aren't married. I can't find the original article anymore but I can link the one from Monsterblog.

Joking aside, what do you think? I think it's ridiculous to blame one gender for the state of the other. Really, really stupid.

One line of the article reads "Is there something wrong with the Malaysian male psyche that prevents them from marrying better-qualified women?" To be totally honest, I've not met a single man who would mind having a more accomplished wife/girlfriend. Not even one. In fact, snagging a wife/girlfriend who is "better" than yourself is quite a feat I would think. I think.

I'm still single. What do I know?

Now, it might be that it's only among my circle of friends? Is it? I hope for the sake of the male species that it's not true.

Actually, what I want to say has little to do with the article. My opinion is simple and obvious.

They're two sides to the story. Some guys may have a huge ego problem and can't tolerate being together with a woman who is "better" than him. Which is really, really stupid, I think. Some women prefer to stay single for whatever reasons like career and such. Or perhaps she is unwilling to settle and make do with the next random chump that shows up at her door step. I see nothing wrong with that.

For some other people, the problem may be that they have unrealistic expectations. They expect their prospective mate to be like a character from a soap opera. Some guys expect to have wives who can cook like chefs, look like supermodels, be smart and yet be meek all at the same time. Some women expect to have husbands who are tall, dark & handsome, rich, ambitious etc and expect them to only spend all his time with them. Obviously, we live in the real world so usually if you aren't like a soap character yourself, don't expect to snag another soap character. This goes for both men and women.

There are a million reasons for a person to stay single and who is anyone to say who's fault it is.

Now what I wanted to say was how ironic it is that opinions about relationships, which in its most basic form is about two people getting together, cause so much argument and recrimination.

Anytime I read stuff about say, the Nice Guy Syndrome or the merits of local men vs white men, the feedback would inevitably be reduced to a flame war about who's responsible for whose problems. In the end, no clear conclusion is made.

I guess it happens because:-

a) people are generally passionate and feel strongly about it and/or
b) some people have bad emotions and negative experiences that they need to express and share, so they vent by arguing about relationships.

I have to say I have been guilty of both in the past.

My conclusion? It's very hard to rationally talk about relationships because it means to a lot to most of us. But that's just my opinion...

PS. That blogger registration article received a lot of feedback. Not surprisingly, most people don't like the idea either.

Ugh 3

Can you believe it?

First I got better. Than yesterday, I felt kind of sick again...

Maybe it's got something to do with me over exerting myself yesterday evening. One of my friends bought himself a mountain bike. A really nice one too. So yesterday, we decided to go for a spin around the neighbourhood. It was great. Then we began riding faster and faster.

This morning, I feel kind of sore. If I didn't accidentally kick the wall near my bed I probably would've slept the entire day.

Yes, it's painfully obvious that I need more exercise. Hopefully the bike will help.

Last night we had a great time hanging out with Asha and friends. She told us quite bizarre stories about interesting things like bad toilet habits and public toilet graffiti. You had to be there.

Later I'm going off to do some errands and help scrounge for computer parts for my friend. Hopefully we can do it quickly. It's really hot outside today.

Oh yes, and today marks the first time I've blogged from home in months.

Ugh 2

I'm still kind of sickish. My temperature has normalized but I'm at that stage where I'm sore all over the place. I'm also feeling kind off tired and lethargic.

Talking about temperatures, when I went to the clinic the medical assistant took my temperature and it was actually lower than normal as opposed to being higher. I thought that was a bit odd.

I'm on the recovering side of things right now so I should be ok in a few days.

Interestingly enough, there is actually one thing that I do enjoy about getting a slight fever\flu. When I start feeling better, I get this warm fuzzy feeling which I like a lot. I also like the way how some things seem brighter than they are normally, especially in good light.

That sounds quite crazy, I know. But there you go. Other than that, being kind of ill brings back good memories, believe it or not. Something to do with an old girlfriend. The first one, in fact.

Perhaps the warm fuzziness is there because I subconsciously associate being slightly ill with a good memory from the past?

Or am I just a little loopy from the medication? Which would be odd since I haven't taken any since a few days ago.

Anyway.

While I was ill, I decided to reinstall Brothers in Arms: Earned in Blood and replay it. What a bloody good game that is. Even better now because I can now play it on maximum graphic detail.

The French countryside, hedgerows and burnt out buildings never looked so good... Also, I'm finding the game a lot harder this time around for some unknown reason.

The sequel Hell's Highway is coming out soon. I'm looking forward to it.

Talking about looking forward to stuff...




















Can't wait for this to finally come out.

Ugh

I'm feeling a little under the weather these last few days.

It's annoying how flu medication can cause forgetfulness. I paid my road tax last week and this morning it suddenly dawned to me that I haven't put up the new road tax disc yet. The old road tax expired yesterday. I hope there are no cops on my way back later.

I could use a professional massage. I'm stiff all over the place. It's very uncomfortable.

Thankfully, today is my last day of work for this week. That means tomorrow I can try to sleep off the rest of my flu. We can't let illness get in the way of days off from work now can we?

It's quite strange how turbulent one can feel despite the fact that literally nothing is going on in one's life. I think it's just a bad habit on my part. I'm probably so used to inner turmoil and being frustrated/heart broken that when I'm not, I secretly yearn for it. Maybe subconsciously I need it like a crutch so that I have some justification for being bitter and cynical. Maybe.

Or maybe it's just the flu talking?

Flu or otherwise, I do have some self destructiveness built into my emotional/psych DNA, that much I'm definitely sure off. It's important for me to note that otherwise I'll forget and gravitate towards said self destruction like I used to when I was younger. Must not forget. I'm not young anymore and I can't afford to spend another decade wallowing in melancholy and self pity without any direction.

I guess it's my cross to carry.

Which reminds me of another fact. There's a lot of pretty screwed up people around. I sometimes wonder if they are aware of it.

Ok then, time for more pills. Hopefully when I get out of bed tomorrow morning, everything will be better and I won't feel so stiff.

Offline

Like what the title says, I haven't been online most of the last week aside from downloading some bits of music and patches for the games I play. I haven't even played WoW much. Been playing Company of Heroes instead. What a fine game that is.

The extra time off work has been quite refreshing. All I did was play games, read all my old Stephen Ambrose books, watched Nat Geo and generally just lazed around. I didn't even read the paper which is nice actually.

It's near the end of March so it's that time of year where I spend a whole mass of cash on car insurance. It sucks but it's necessary.

No, I don't have much else to write about unfortunately. Life in general is very quiet and I appreciate how trouble free it is at the moment when I remember how bad it used to be.

Things sure have changed and thank God for that.

This is quite a short blog entry and hopefully I'll find something interesting to write about soon. Or does anyone have any suggestions?

Randomly Typed Post

It is Friday. It rained this morning and thank goodness for that.

I have a slight headache. It's the kind that is concentrated in a small area of your head, in my case this morning, the back of my head on the right side. It's very annoying. I've had myself checked out in the past but all the docs say that it's nothing. Perhaps, but I really want to get rid of these headaches that I regularly get.

I'd also like to know what really causes it. Nowadays, it seems that I get it when I'm tired, go to bed and sleep more than 6 hours. I think it's caused by heat. Sometimes when I get it at home, I wash my head and feel slightly better.

Anyway, that is why I'm happy it rained this morning.

In other news...

I need more blogs for my blog roll, but I haven't found any recently that I would like to read regularly.

I'd like to put up more gaming blogs but again, I haven't found any that I really like. To be fair I haven't done a really exhaustive search. Anyone got any recommendation? It can be any kind of blog.

It's the middle of March. Already. How time flies.

Apart from the above, there's not much else to write today. Looking forward to the weekend. Hopefully, I don't accidentally oversleep and ruin the next day by getting a headache...

Three Movies

I watched 3 excellent movies on Tuesday night and the early hours of Wednesday morning.

The whole bunch of us watched 300 at Star. It was brilliant. The Frank Miller feel of the movie was very, very obvious. That's a good thing. Later we had dinner and discussed how many of the critics who panned the movie completely missed its point and looked for things that the movie did not show.

After dinner, I went and picked up a DVD containing rips of Letters from Iwo Jima and Flags of Our Fathers. Also brilliant. Both of them.

I was about to say that Letters was more impressive. Certainly, it's different from your usual war movie fare. The story revolves mainly around the commander of the Iwo Jima garrison and a somewhat hapless, soft spoken ex baker draftee.

Before watching this movie I read some posts on some movie forums about how this movie was controversial because it made Imperial Japanese soldiers more "humane" and "sympathetic" than they were supposedly.

I say these people either didn't watch this movie or weren't paying attention if they did.

Yes it did portray some Imperial soldiers as a more human creature than your usual Jap soldier stereotype, but the Imperial War machine and the fanaticism was right there as clear as day. This movie does not "glorify" the WW2 Imperial Japanese Army in any way, that much I can say. I remember one scene where during a briefing the men were instructed specifically to look out for and shoot medics. This is illegal in warfare, for those who didn't know.

Again, this movie didn't make the Japanese Army look any "softer" than they historically were.

Flags of Our Fathers was also brilliant. My first impression was that it wasn't as impressive as Letters, but when I thought about it, it was great also albeit in a different way.

The movie tells the tale of the six men who raised THAT flag on Mount Suribachi in Iwo Jima and what happened to them after the war.

I felt this movie was more "conventional" that Letters, but it was great all the same. While Letters had a kind of sad and touching ending, Flags ended in a more bittersweet manner.

In in all, a great series of films and a nice way to spend 8 hours of your day off from work.

In other news, I have a looong break coming up which is great. The last month had been quite trying at work, what with all the night shifts and the overtime. It's a relief to have some extra off time away from the office.

Just as well, since I have loose ends to tie up.

No Content

I wanted to write a new post but it's one of those times when I can't think of anything. It's been like that for a while now. New blog posts don't come as easily as they used to.

So I will talk about games again.

I just finished the single player campaign in Company of Heroes. It was great and very challenging on Normal difficulty. I dread to think what Expert level is like.

I don't normally play RTS games so it's a testament to the game's great quality that I like it so much. It's surprisingly authentic for an RTS. All the models in the game are drawn to scale so you can imagine how menacingly large tanks are. As they should be just like in real life.

The game has great sound and excellent (and colourful) voice acting. If only the Germans spoke actual german instead of german accented English.

The graphics as I mentioned before is mind blowing and this game does require a heavy weight graphics card to make the most out of it. It's a good thing I have such a card. The graphic detail is unbelievable and you can literally zoom right in to the action and count the bogie wheels on tanks and halftracks and see spent cartridges fly out of machine guns.

I rate this game very highly. It's brilliant and I hope to see an expansion pack or two with new maps and added campaigns featuring new armies like the British/Commonwealth forces and the Soviet Red Army. I would really like to play a German campaign. There aren't enough games that show the German/Axis side of things.

Speaking of a different perspective, I'm really, really looking forward to watching Letters to Iwo Jima. I think it's a huge change to watch a WW2 movie from the "enemy" perspective. They aren't too many of those around either.

I remember Das Boot and Stalingrad as the other great movies that show things from the Axis side. Suddenly I want to watch both those movies again. It's a good thing I happen to have the Das Boot DVD at home.

That's it then. I had a quiet week and there is nothing significant to report or rant about.

Have a nice day.

Something Cool I Found

I was reading random blogs and found this.

I never imagined that red giants were THAT big in relation to the sun.

I have one night of work to go. I'm extremely tired.

Overall, this week was fine. Nothing to report and nothing to complain about. I've even gotten over that thing that happened in WoW.

Actually, there was something that happened at home but I think it's in my best interest to keep that kind of thing where it belongs i.e at home and in private.

In other news, about 10 days ago my dad was asking me about notebook PCs and how much they cost and etc. I showed him a few things and quotes from shops I go to and also the Dell website.

Two days ago, a Dell Inspiron 1501 notebook arrived at the house. I was quite surprised. My dad isn't the type to buy stuff on a whim, especially stuff that costs RM2500++. Anyway, everyone was quite excited.

The notebook is quite nice. Its CPU is the AMD Turion64 MK-36 2.0Ghz. 15.4 widescreen XGA display, which is very cool indeed.

I quite like the silver case with white trim. It has adequate space for my regular usage (80Gb) and it has a DVD burner. The built in speakers were impressively loud and clear but not as bassy as I would've liked it.

The bag that came with it is very nice as well. I also used it to test my wireless coverage by walking around the house with it. I'm quite pleased to see that my signal strength is good and constant even outside the house and behind walls.

The notebook does have its drawbacks however.

It came with only 512Mb RAM which is enough if you use Windows XP. The notebook however, came with Windows Vista Home edition so one can imagine how long it takes to boot up. I've tweaked the hell out of it and can only get maybe .25 seconds off the boot up time.

All in all, a pretty decent notebook with a ultra low price. Very good bang for buck.

On the whole, having the notebook is a pleasant surprise and it also allows me to get familiar with Vista before I think about using it on my own PC.

If only it was powerful enough to handle WoW...

WoW Rant (Mostly)

I had wanted to write earlier this week about things like tactless WoW players who expect everyone to be as "hardcore" and "knowledgeable" as they are while completely ignoring tactical suggestions because of the fact that other players are not as "hardcore" as it were, but I chose to hold back and write after I have calmed down sufficiently.

Which is today, since said event happened 2 days ago.

Anyway, tactless WoW players. If you go to the WoW forums and run dungeons and group quests in the game enough, you will know that there are many of these socially inept, rude, grammatically challenged, basement dwelling, munchkin troglodytes around. I've also discovered that as you level yourself up, they become more and more common. Which is no surprise really.

Most casual players I know don't powergame as much.

Anyway, when I think about how some MMO players behave and the general chaos on internet
forums, is it any wonder that some people write books about computers concluding that the human race is bad for the planet and therefore must be eliminated?

Because it's true sometimes. This world is a beautiful place, except for the humans in it. People are just really, really bad.

Anyway, I have digressed. Back to WoW now.

I also encountered 2 more types of players in WoW, The Beggar and The Tourist.

Now, what The Beggar is is quite obvious. He begs. For money. And equipment. And assistance for things that he should be able to do himself if he was arsed enough to do it. It is of course perfectly okay to ask for help. But some players ALWAYS ask for money/stuff when they see you. And usually type their appeal in a very badly spelled, "leet" kind of way.

It gets annoying after the 3rd consecutive day.

The Tourist?

He wants to see all the cool places and all the cool creatures who drop all the phat lewts relative to his lowish level. But he can't go there because the creatures/enemies there are like 27 levels above him and will wallop him dead in 0.05 seconds. Usually, Tourists are low level and the world of Warcraft (as well as many other MMO universes) is set up in such a way that some areas are just too dangerous for low level guys.

Anyway, so what can he do about it? As soon as you log on with your level 20-ish toon, he will send you a private message asking you to log out and log back in with your uber-ish level 58 character. This is so that you can spend the next 2 and half hours walking him through a dungeon. Or taking him on a guided tour to see (and kill and loot) things like dragons and whatnot in more dangerous parts of the world.

In other words, you exist to help him and only that. Who cares about leveling your own toon. Usually I don't mind helping and doing stuff for other players who are lower level than me. Countless players have gotten free stuff from me. Or be saved by me. Or be buffed by me. And countless other players have done the same to me.

But if people ORDER me to do it as if I'm their butler, it gets annoying.

I could also write about the stereotypical munchkin "hardcore" power gamer who looks down on you because you're a casual noob and because you don't spend 40 hours a week raiding, but thousands of words have been written about people like that. So I won't do that.

Besides, this is the worst type of MMO player and it just pisses me off to think about it.

And there goes my WoW/MMO rantage for this week. Despite all this, I'm still playing but I've decided to be a little bit more careful with players I group with. I don't pay USD14.99 a month to be aggravated by thoughtless people.

Anyway, after that unfortunate spat of incidents earlier in the week I haven't played WoW much over the last 2 days.

First thing, I discovered the glorious wonder of a game that is Company of Heroes! It's bloody brilliant. And the graphics have to be seen to be believed. I haven't finished playing it (and this post is getting a little long) so I'll write about it next time.

The second thing?

The eagle-eyed amongst you would notice that I used the word "munchkin" in this post. Twice.

Jerome came back from Singapore with a gem of a card game. And let me tell you, Munchkin is absolutely brilliant. And evil. And has many expansions that I want to buy!

I'm actually looking forward to playing it more than WoW when I get off work.

I'll also write about that next time. Now I will go and contemplate helping boost our game of Munchkin with some expansions of my own...

What I do When I get Flu

I go off from a working five night shifts in a row and what happens?

I get flu on the first evening off from work. Obviously, that doesn't help at all. I hope the extra money is going to be worth it.

So I stay home and do as little as possible, which is quite boring to be honest.

It's a good thing WoW is so exciting these days. The server that I play on seems more "crowded" than it used to be and there's more action in the Auction House. Also, I bump into a lot more people in the wilderness. I've been in a few good 2-man and 3-man groups these last few days.

I watched a fascinating documentary on Discovery Channel yesterday about Indian astrology. I particular found the bit about nadi astrology very fascinating. According to nadi readers, thousands of years ago sages and wisemen used their powers to look into the past and the future and record down the destinies of everyone on palm leaves.

Everyone. A bold claim to make no? It was quite surprising to note that the nadi reader featured in the show knew personal details about the client (family members' names and current problems etc).

I thought about it for a second and despite being rather curious about it, I don't think it's a good idea to know my own future. To be honest, I have a rough idea of what it's going to be like anyway.

Hopefully February will end well and the holiday mood I'm currently in will wear off soon.

A Stigma

One more night of work to go, then I'll be off to sleep my head off. It's been tiring and busier than what I would've liked.

Anyway, here is today's post.

I was reading some stuff on Wiki the last few nights and I recall some conversations I had with my friends about games, computers and gamers.

There is a bit of a stigma attached to someone who likes to use the computer isn't there? That someone would be labeled a nerd or a geek, wouldn't he/she? Even worse when the computer is used for gaming and even worse than that, if the gamer isn't a child.

From what I can observe, this stigma is particularly strong in conservative societies and amongst older people.

Why is it apparently ok for someone to sit on a couch and watch TV for 10 hours but not ok if the same person uses the computer for 10 hours?

What's the difference?

Why is watching TV for a long time more "normal" than using the computer for the same period of time?

This is an interesting bunch of questions no?

Anyway, when I think about it the answers are legion. Perhaps it's the natural inclination for people to fear stuff that they don't understand, considering the fact that most people who think computer usage is not "normal" are older people. Perhaps it's that lack of empathy for people who like different things. Perhaps it's anti-intellectualism, because the most stick computer users get tend to be from dumb jocks who are technologically illiterate.

It could be all of that and more, I guess. What do you think? Would you think it's strange for someone to prefer surfing for news and other info, reading blogs and playing games on the computer/internet to spending time watching telly?

Another thing that came to mind was that stereotype of gamers being "kids" or "childish" or shit like that.

Well, I disagree obviously and according to what I found out in the US the average age of a gamer is 29 and the average age for people who spend money to buy gaming software is 36.

As can be proven all the time, stereotypes are always wrong.

Anyway, how is playing a computer game more "immature" than getting smashed on cheap, smuggled beer on a Saturday night?

I would like to know, what is the average age of a gamer in Malaysia? Is it still kid's stuff here? Do yuppies and blue collar people play games too?

In my own circle of friends, I can tell you that they do in fact play games.

Does anyone have any stats? I'd like to see.

PS. Case in point is this thread from the World of Warcraft forums where older gamers introduce themselves. Also, this is probably the best thread ever to appear on the WoW forums in terms of spelling and grammar...

The Dark Side of Praise

I was reading stuff and discovered the following article:-

How Not to Talk to Your Kids

I think it's very important. Please read it, especially if you have children.

Meanwhile, I've started my uber exhausting weekend where I work through Chinese New Year. I'm going to be very, very tired by the time I start my break on Tuesday.

I hope everyone else will have a fun weekend.

Valentine's Day

A lot can change in one year. Even more in two.

I got curious as to what I did on Valentine's Day these few years so I went and read a couple of old entries, one from 2006 and one from 2005. I also read some other old stuff from February from both years.

In many ways, I've changed quite a bit, I think.

For some people it's a good day, obviously.

Valentine's Day can drive people up the wall sometimes, especially those people who are single. Other times, it can cause people to act rather strangely, and not in a good way. It even affects some people who for the rest of the year, couldn't be bothered about their "status".

One could say such people are "weak". Maybe that's true. But no one likes to be reminded that they are single, even if you normally don't care. I'm not sure why really. Perhaps its the overdose of mushy Public Displays of Affection(TM). Perhaps its the blatantly overpriced Valentine's Day "peripherals". Perhaps it's the whole cheesiness of it.

For some people, the things they see on Valentine's is the most glaring evidence of their "failure". Even worse when you are alone and all your friends are not single. It's like the whole world is laughing and going na-na-na-na-na at you.

I used to feel like that. It's not very nice to be reminded that you are alone and can't really "join in".

Boy, that was a long time ago.

Those thoughts come back every now and then but these days, it is just background noise. I deal with it. I just wished I dealt with it 10 years ago. Would've saved me a lot of angst and time.

I had dinner last night at a Japanese place with Gette and Rin. It was nice. I had salmon yome. It was better than I thought.

We weren't celebrating Valentine's day. It was just dinner with friends and that is a good thing on any given day regardless of special occasions.

It's tempting to write off Valentine's Day but I choose not to do that now. Regardless of my own thoughts about it, it is a good day for some people and I'm not going to begrudge them the good times that they will no doubt have.

For those people who do have someone with them on Valentine's Day (and other festivities and special occasions) I just hope that they realize that they are extremely lucky when compared to some of their friends.

Perhaps it should be a day for gratitude as well, not only for lovers but also friends. It's worth a thought no?

I am having a good week though. On Tuesday, Burning Crusade arrived.

It's bloody awesome.

Ganking

I read two articles about "ganking" just now. For those of you who don't know, the term "gank" is an online gaming term meaning to attack and kill another player who has no means to effectively defend him/herself. Usually, the attacked player is much, much lower level the the attacker.

In other words, ganking is bullying. A ganker kills other players and griefs them just because. Usually, there are no ingame rewards for such activities. The just do it for kicks

There are many opinions regarding the practice of griefing and ganking in MMOs. Many people don't approve of such behaviour, myself included. Other people seem to think that it's acceptable.

People who may argue for the case of ganking\griefing as acceptable behaviour sometimes use the phrase "it's only a game" to justify their argument.

The problem is, it's not only a game. An MMO like WoW is not only a game, it is also a social construct, There are real people in the game world. So basically, ganking\griefing apologists condone the practise of enjoying themselves at other people's expense? Says a lot about their own personalities I think.

The thing that I sometimes find rather perplexing is that gankers\griefers and their fanboys act all surprised when people complain and condemn them on forums and other places.

They can twist and turn their argument any way they like, but the at the end of it all the truth is ganking\griefing is unacceptable and people who defend\indulge in it are assholes. They can use a million excuses but the fact remains that while they feel quite good after killing and corpse camping a level 8 character with their level 55, there is someone else out there who is getting pissed off and frustrated, and he can't do anything about it.

The entire thing is pointless and is the equivalent of schoolyard bullying. Pointless and a total waste of other people's time. Justifiable?

Obviously, having been camped to death and toyed with myself, I don't appreciate the ganking\griefing. The same way I hate bullying in fact.

Anyway, ever since I went back to WoW I've accepted the fact that if I play on a PvP server, I will probably be regularly killed like a sotong by some piece of shit 25 levels higher than me. It's fine. I'm not going to lose my temper because of something happening in an MMO. Only this time, I'm going to write down their names...

In fact, within 90 minutes of my first log on to my lvl 33 priest character I was attacked and nearly killed by a lvl 51 Night Elf hunter. Thank goodness for Fear...

I have an idea on how to reduce ganking in WoW actually. In WoW, when a player selects a target, he/she will be able to see the targets level. That level is denoted by a coloured number or a red skull. It's relative to the player's own level.

The skull indicates an opponent who's level is so much higher than the player and that combat is suicide.

A red number denotes a much higher level mob\player who is substantially more powerful than the player. A player who fights an opponent whose number is red will lose 99 out of 100 times.

An orange number indicates that the target's level is some way higher than the player and would make a very tough opponent.

A yellow number indicates and opponent that is similar in combat ability to the player.

A green number means a lower level opponent that will probably be easier to kill.

A black number means that the target is so low level, killing it will yield no XP or honor or reward of any kind.

Now, if Blizzard really wanted to control ganking\griefing they could introduce a PvP rule where a player cannot initiate combat in open play with another player whose level is too low in relation to himself (ie. denoted by a green or black number). Combat may be joined if the lower level player initiates combat first.

I'd put this in the WoW forum but I'll be hounded by ganker\griefer apologists who will accuse me of being a "carebear" or other terms like that, so I won't bother.

Besides, I feel Blizzard feeds off this issue and the controversy that it generates.

Anyways, I've made peace with the idea of being griefed in an MMO. It is a social construct and like the other social construct that it mirrors (ie real life) there will be assholes and criminals who prey on the weak and defenseless.

At least unlike in real life, I can eventually avenge myself without consequence...

In other WoW news, I'm also back to playing my highest level character, a lvl 51 warrior on a PVE server. You can't get ganked on a PVE server.

It's so much less nerve wracking.

I can also report that the pings I've been getting are pretty decent and the game doesn't lag quite like it used to.

I'm very pleased.

Shooting Over the Crossbar\UNO!\WoW

Eight days into February and only 2 posts. That is quite a lot number. During angstier blogging days, I would have at least 6 by now. When I think about my relatively low blogging activity, I do feel as if I'm being lazy.

I must keep my eyes peeled and write more. Perhaps I should write about girls again. I know one or two people who quite enjoy reading that kind of stuff.

To be honest, I quite enjoy reading about that too.

While I'm on that vein, relationship based topics are quite interesting to debate are they not? I do notice that a lot debates involving relation topics tend to generate into a "whose fault it is?" kind of flow.

I guess we all look for answers and many of us are kind of frustrated by our own apparent lack of ability to do what others seem to be able to do without even trying.

Anyway, I read another blog post about relationships here. It is yet another one of those "nice guys finish last" type of posts, a topic that is quite interesting to me.

I'm not going to write about the "nice guy" thing in detail though. I've written a lot of stuff about it before.

I do have an extra point that I've just thought about.

Those of us who, for one reason or another, can't get into relationships, need to consider one very important point.

When I go out and try to date, am I being realistic?

As I've said in another post before, sometimes we need to look in the mirror and see whether the person we like will have a reasonable chance of liking us back. Sometimes, we set ourselves up to be let down. We aim too "high".

That sounds kind of harsh doesn't it? Weren't we told that all us humans are equal and no one is better than the other? The sad truth is, in relationship at least, there is such a thing as levels. There is such a thing as vainly trying to attract someone who is way above you. You know the expression "way out of your league"?

At least from my own experiences and observation, this is true, unfortunately. Even yourself, are you going give your time of day to EVERYONE who says that they like you? There is always some kind of "minimum requirement" that potential partners must fulfill regardless of whether we are consciously doing the filtering or not. Someone can ask what kind of "minimum requirements" are justified and what are not? This is a whole topic which I can't be arsed to think about right now, to be honest.

Anyway, there you go. I think for some of us, the seeds of personal catastrophe come from the choices that we make, consciously or otherwise. So the next time we fall for someone, let's ask a question:

Am I being realistic?

Another thing that comes out of this is the question "How do I change my tastes in women/men?" Unfortunately, I have no idea.

These days, I like to say that my status is "Inactive" or "Out of Service" instead of just "Single". The thing is (and I think I've mentioned this in a previous post too) I have this self-destructive habit of getting attracted to women who are unavailable (married\long term relationship) or who will never see me "that way" or otherwise bad for me.

I still don't know why and I have no idea if it's related to my "tastes" which is, to be fair, quite reasonable. She doesn't really need to be physically "hot" like some model. She just needs to be "interesting". Also laid back. And not uber intense. And not interested in those "power games" some people like to play. And not have a short, unreasonable, random fuse ala my mom.

Sorry, I digressed.

Back on topic, I don't know where my self destructive relationship streak comes from. If it is my taste in women, how do I change it?

See? We all look for answers. Until I find a way to undo the fatal attraction, I will remain "Out of Service" until further notice.

In other news, my D&D thing is delayed due to work and a general lack of ideas on my part. Writing a plot is not an easy thing. Really. Anyway, my friends and I have discovered another equally evilly addictive pastime to while away the hours.

UNO!

This game is Evil. Seriously. It is so good, it's bad.

In other news, I triumphantly returned to World of Warcraft yesterday after spending the entire previous day download 900Mb worth of updates. So, I log in, go to my favourite server and loaded a character.

That was when I discovered that I had completely forgotten how to play the game...

So I went and created a new character to help me reorient myself. Things are going well and I'm going to resume a more advanced character tomorrow morning.

One of the better things that I noticed about this latest patched version of WoW is the way the game handles latency. My ping is quite bad, around 900ms. But the game doesn't feel laggy at all even when I'm in a city.

Oh yes, I've also just ordered Burning Crusade. I hope it doesn't get lost in the Chinese New Year mail rush.

The Call of Azeroth...

I'm contemplating going back to World of Warcraft. More specifically, I'm contemplating going back to the gank infested cesspool of PVP hell that is Tichondrius, my very first WoW server. I have no idea why I want to go back.

One good thing I can think of is how it would affect my D&D gaming. I might be able to insert some WoW elements into it.

I went to the WoW website just now and I've also discovered that the Burning Crusade expansion is available for direct download. It's 1Gb plus though, so I think ordering it from TSB makes more sense. Besides, if I order it I get to keep the nice box and the CD.

So, I've decided to reactivate my account tomorrow night. If only one day or one week activation was allowed. I'd rather not pay one month's worth of subscription at this time, at least not before I'm satisfied with things like latency and patch downloading speeds. I'm going to go through with it though. It's not too expensive anyway.

And talking about money, I've also make a decision to remove a large chunk of my outstanding credit card bill one shot. I'll be in the black in February what with the Chinese New Year holidays and other overtime deals coming up. So when the bill arrives, I'm going to pay off at least half. So far so good, I've managed to stave off any desire to spend indiscriminately. I'm quite pleased with that. I had a list of stuff to buy using my credit facilities and so far I haven't gone above it.

I'm also contemplating pumping some cash into my ASB account to jump start it. I've recently started auto deduction straight of my monthly wages.

As you can see, I've been thinking quite a lot about money recently.

Ah money. I complain a lot about all kinds of shit in my life but if there was one (relative) success story it would be my financial situation.

I was perpetually broke for something like a decade. It feels nice to not be broke.

While I may not quite have enough to own property and drive a flashy car, the money I make is more than enough for my standard of living. If things work out, that situation is going to improve. Provided I don't go nuts and buy something shiny and ludicrously expensive with my credit card...

So I'm going off to reactivate my WoW account then. Before I go, I would like to share this excellently cool website with everyone. Freestuff = good. Thanks a lot to Gette for putting it up on her blog. I've been meaning to put it up here but I kept forgetting.

Back to work. Off on Monday.

Dead Torrents\D&D DM\Scudetto

Sometimes, it's hard to log on to Blogger. Like earlier this evening. And late last night.

My torrent problem is unsolvable. I tried a localhost proxy server and that allowed me to actually connect to a torrent tracker without having the connection reset after 2 seconds but my speed is still zero.

I'm going to give that a rest for a while.

Besides, I've discovered alternative ways to get downloads. While it is slower that using bit torrent, it should be enough for a while.

In other news, my friends and I are very sad because our resident Dungeon Master has decided to move to Singapore due to family and employment commitments. We wish him the best.

Of course that leaves us with a bunch of eager roleplayers with no DM.

I did mention in an earlier post that I was contemplating about running a game didn't I? So I've decided to try it.

So, I've been doing some reading and research the last few days. Those DM shoes are really big to fill I've discovered. The devil is in the details. Underneath the game is a whole load of rules that makes everything work.

It's all quite daunting. And that's just the game mechanics. I haven't mentioned the fact that a DM needs to think of a story to place the game in.

So yes, it's very daunting. At the same time, I'm quite excited. I have a rough idea of what I need to do so this isn't exactly a stab in the dark, unlike some of the other things I've done.

We'll probably start prepping properly next week when I'm off work. This is going to be fun. Hopefully.

Wish me luck then.

Meanwhile in my Football Manager 2007 Juventus game, I've just won my first Scudetto after a titanic struggle against the two Milan teams. I won it on the last day. On the third last round, we had managed to somehow lose to a relegation threatened Atalanta side and fell behind 2 points with two games left to play.

Both remaining games were against bottom sides for both us and Milan. I was thinking the title is lost, no way is Milan going to lose to Modena and Rimini. Even if we did win our own two final games at Catania and Modena (oddly enough) we'd still be 2 points behind.

We went on the road and as expected beat Catania 2-0. To my shocked delight, I noticed that Modena had somehow managed to hold Milan to a 1-1 draw. Advantage back to me and Juve, 1 point on top.

So in the last game of a rather difficult season, all I had to do was beat Modena at home.

We beat them 7-1.

Such a sweet victory but to be honest I felt kind of sorry for Modena. By losing to us, they got relegated back to Serie B. If only I did better in my other competitions. I got knocked out of the Champs League by Chelsea and the Coppa Italia by Inter...

Ahh Football Manager, a sports management sim so realistic it also models the hair tearing frustrations that real managers feel. Being at a top team doesn't make it any easier...

A Good Dream...

... is as good as anything when you need a lift.

But first...

... The last few days I've been furiously experimenting on my PC. To my dismay, I've discovered that TMNut, our belover Internet Service Cartel Provider has not only capped P2P and BitTorrent speeds but has recently resorted to shutting down communication with overseas torrent trackers.

Which means that it's impossible to download anything via BitTorrent.

I've looked through various forums and according to some posters who took the trouble to ask Telekom, the usage capping was done ostensibly to save the already limited bandwidth due the that earthquake last month.

I have a bad feeling that TMNut won't unshackle tracker communications even after full capacity restoration.

I just have this feeling in my gut.

I'd like to know how the hell would World of Warcraft players receive their updates when they can't use BitTorrent?

I've also read somewhere that TMNut has started blocking iTunes, of all things. Is that true? Some verification would be nice.

Maybe I'm just being my cynical self, but despite all those posters on various forums writing in and complaining I seriously doubt TMNut big wigs will give a shit. We're not corporate users so...

If they did care enough, they would've done something a long time ago.

What can you do, as long as the TMNut monopoly lasts this is how things are going to be.

Enough of complaining today then.

Anyway the dream.

It was great. I can't remember what it was really about. All I could remember was that I was happy. And there was somebody there with me.

Even more interesting was the fact that that person actually exists.

Unfortunately, that person is very extremely unavailable in real life.

This is me after all, with my unhealthy proneness to being attracted to women who are impossible to have relations with. Is anyone even remotely surprised?

So it's kind of a good thing that I don't really feel (and have never felt) like THAT for her in real life. It would be rather awkward if I ever did.

Oh well. I refuse to dwell on that. A lift is a lift and this morning I felt great because of it. Perhaps it was God giving me a break and letting me sample what happiness might be like. If it was, I appreciate it. It was nice.

Meanwhile back on the Material Plane, life goes on as it usually and inexorably does.

I have one more day of work tomorrow.

Disturbingly Racist Malaysians

I was actually going to write about D&D today, but this topic is more fun.

The new style blogger template has a nice feature which I like a lot. The archive section has a post counter. It tells you how many entries have been posted in a particular month or year.

My post count has been going down steadily. In a way it's a good sign. Fewer posts means fewer complaints which must mean that my life as a whole is getting more satisfactory. Unfortunately, fewer complaints makes Riding the Mellow less fun to read.

Oh well.

Anyway, I do have something to say this morning.

A good friend of mine recently told me how a certain friend of hers has stopped supporting a certain football team because they have a Jewish player on their books.

He also apparently said other choice, fascists remarks implying that association with people of a certain faith is a bad thing.

You know what's the saddest thing about this? The saddest thing about this is that I'm not in the least bit shocked.

This sort of anti-semitic (and other overtly racist and bigoted) bullshit happens a lot in this country, especially by people who live in a certain part of the country that I (thankfully) don't live in.

Malaysian people are in general, quite nice. They only become idiots when some gallery-playing politician wannabe or some headless religious fanatic fires them up.

See? Sometimes being too afraid and respectful of authority figures can be a bad thing. People need to exercise the right to question even their leaders and use their own eyes and ears for a change.

Anyway, by some strange coincidence I was reading the papers this morning and there was a hell lot of articles about national unity and such. Specifically, apparent lack of said unity. It is very strange actually. Apparently 30 years ago, things are more relaxed and less people made a big deal out of other peoples' races.

There were also articles about the new Ethnic Relations module for public universities which is good. At least someone's trying to do something.

There are things that can be done but I doubt it will be done because of how things work here.

There's local politics and how it's always organized around racial/religious lines. The original idea was to have a vehicle to bring up issues pertaining a certain racial section of society. Which is fine and dandy.

Unfortunately, race/religion based parties also breed zealots and ultras who villify "the others". Some of these people are crap wannabes who offer no real innovation other than defending their race from "threats". Some others really believe in their master race ideology and some are really driven by hate. Which ever kind they are, they play to the gallery and that sort of rhetoric filters down to the people.

You'd figure that level headed leaders will come down on their less than enlightened party members. They can't. Ultras and zealots command some serious influence and coming down on them will mean losing that influence (and votes). So once in a while they need to do things so to appease their more radical following. Which doesn't help with the national unity thing.

Some people know better and ignore such crazy talk. But some other people don't know better. Even worse than that, some of these chauvinists manage to find their way high up the political system. Their presence has a subtle effect on how things work. Like our education system, which is a whole different blog post so I won't talk about that now.

And there's religion. I personally feel that many Malaysians are more obsessed by the appearance of piety rather than actually being pious. These include some people in high places. Being pious is hard work. It's a long journey of discovery and enlightenment regardless of which faith one professes.

Appearing to be pious is so much less of a hassle. It's very simple. Dress like a religious person. Talk like a religious person. Ocassionally say something incredibly crass about women. Or talk about "unbelievers" and remind supporters of how much of a "threat" they are. And let's not forget the "All Jews are evil" boilerplate. Always a winner there.

This method works because there are Malaysians who are too respectful of "religious scholars" and believe everything they say. Once again, failure to ask questions and verify facts leads to ignorance and bigotry. So we have "religious" people who refuse to associate with "the others" for fear of losing their faith or worse, being accused of infidelity themselves.

How is that going to help reduce racism and promote unity?

I've always said that mixing religion and politics is a very, very bad idea.

Our entire social and political system needs a revamp away from religious and racial lines. Will it happen? Can it happen? Everyone has eyes to see and ears to hear. See and hear and come to your own conclusions.

Our leadership has to take a long hard look at itself if it really wants to change things.

So what am I doing about this racism thing?

I posted before about everyone having racial biases and prejudices, shaped by their experiences and the stuff you get from older relatives and people around you.

So yeah, I have had some less than flattering opinions about certain kinds of people based on what I hear and experience. But I also know that it's not right to have such feelings. So the onus is up to me to suppress and override and eventually disprove those feelings. My feelings and opinions are my responsibility after all.

In other words my part of the deal against racism is to not be a racist myself, despite some residual prejudices I might have. After al, no one is truly completely impartial.

It's not huge, but at least I'm not a fascist scum which is more than I can say for some people.

Schedule Change/RPG

My life is about to get kind of complicated because...

... it's that time of the year where my work shift changes. Therefore, my working days will be even less predictable than they are until everything stabilizes at the end of February.

I don't like this. This is one part of the job I don't particularly enjoy. The other parts that I'm beginning to get really bored with include working at night and working on public holidays\weekends.

Too bad decent jobs are hard to come by in Kuching, otherwise I'd move. I'd love to work normal hours again and be free when everyone else is free. I suppose I could move to where the grass is "greener" but my situation isn't that dire so I'm staying put.

And that place where the grass is "greener"? Actually, the "greener" grass comes with a price I'm not really willing to pay unfortunately. Speaking off which, my brother will be flying back there after his extended break from studying and job hunting. I hope he will be fine and he will get a nice job.

Not much else happened while I was away from the internet.

I went to check for music downloads and again, I didn't find anything I wanted. I think I may be suffering from download burnout. My intermittently crap connection didn't help and the bad weather over the last few days makes it even worse.

The guys have started to play D&D again. I got all nostalgic. I played a long time ago. The best part of the whole thing this time is the fact that some of the new group are RPG newbies. Always great to see people adjusting to the whole "acting" and "being in character" thing. Takes a bit of getting used to.

Occasionally I do contemplate being a DM. I do have some decent story ideas. The problem I have now is that I'm not really a good story teller. A good DM must be a good storyteller first and foremost. Also, he needs to be fast and be ready to take the story in a new direction when a player or players do something unexpected.

But if I was a good storyteller, I think it would be so much fun. I'm just watching this time around and already it's so much fun. If I had more time, I'd play too. But alas...

So, this means that I'm still playing Football Manager 2007. It's still excellent and I can't wait for the new patch coming out at the end of the month.

Life is pretty decent so far and the year 2007 hasn't felt "old" yet. More to come...

New Template\More Magic Bullets

Just upgraded the template. You will notice some minor differences if you look closely. Overall, I'm happy with the new widget-based template editing. Takes the headache and intimidation of trawling through lines of code.

Blogrolling seems to be down. What a bummer. I have links I wanted to add/remove.

Oh yes before I forget, I read this nice article about Hang Tuah and how they are actually TWO parts to his story and not just the one where he kills his best friend because the Sultan asked him to.

Read it here. I'm suddenly quite interested to read the other half myself.

Anyway, apart from that things are pretty much normal right now.

I felt much better after the rant in the last post. A visitor suggested a link to Cultivate Greatness, which was a nice gesture. Some of the stuff on the website is quite good reading.

There is something that I want to say about inspirational or self help stuff though.

Of course it's a good thing and it helps. Sometimes. But sometimes, self help literature can be very vague at best or very cliched at worst. I sometimes wish I could find something more specific and definitive to the things that ail me. I'm sure a lot of people would want more specific advice about getting over their issues.

Like the self esteem issue for example. The most obvious bit of advice would be "have confidence in yourself". But how exactly does one get that confidence. Surely it can't be pulled out of thin air and surely it can be as simple as snapping ones fingers and proclaiming,"I'm confident!" I think that method is called "being delusional"

I've looked around and again, no one seems to have a definitive method to boost self confidence. I'm aware that each case is different and different methods have different results for different individuals. But I'm thinking surely there must be some things that are true for all cases. Surely there must be a common initial step that one can take. Preferably without wiping out your life savings by doing pro therapy in the process.

Yeah, I guess I'm still looking for the magic bullet. I'm also probably going to get a lot of stick for this, by wanting a so-called "easy" solution. In my defense, I don't care whether it's "easy" or "hard". I just want some kind of tangible answer, a shove in the correct direction, if you will.

Self esteem isn't the only issue that doesn't seem to have a black and white solution. I could write an entire separate blog about each and every question I have about a lot of things.

Perhaps I'm just too blind to see. Or too thick to find the answers. Perhaps this is my so-called "Cross"?

Anyway having said all of that, things aren't as bad as they used to be. It used to be a LOT worse. I feel I'm getting better all the time. I just wish I would get better faster before I'm too old to really enjoy my life.

Tomorrow I get off work so I don't think I'll be posting.

Oh and yesterday I found a blog belonging to someone my brother used to go out with. It was very.... unsettling to read.

Yourself or Someone Else

"Cos all I really want is to be with you
And feel like I matter too
If I didn't blow the whole thing years ago
I might be here with you"

- Hey Jealousy, Gin Blossoms

Let me give an example of stupidity.

A long, long time ago, I envied guys who are more "popular" than me, so to speak. Of course, these days I know why I wasn't "popular". I was an introverted geek. Obviously, one must be outgoing and social to be "popular" and have many friends. Like my brothers for instance. Since I was an introverted geek with huge, cheap glasses and a stutter, there was no way that was going to happen.

Stupidity no.1. The reasons were right there in (on?) my face. I didn't see it.

You'd figure that knowing why would help one feel better and stop wishing for things that ain't gonna happen right?

Stupidity no. 2. Nope.

I'm 34 this year and guess what? Even to this very day, I look at people and still wish I was "popular", so to speak. Like my brother. He probably envies me because I have a stable job and I seem to have endless amounts of money. Probably.

But I still turn green when I consider how well known he is.

I know why I'm not like that. I'm not really good at being an extrovert. I get self conscious very quickly in a social situation, particularly if I have no "wingman" who can back me up. I'm much too cowardly to even try and "break to envelope". Unless I get a sudden shot of courage, get hit in the head and get amnesia or have a personality transplant, being the centre of attention is just wishful thinking.

I have a good idea why I am like I am. So I ought to just relax and accept the way I am.

And yet there are times I catch myself wishing I was someone else.

When you're 16, that's kind of normal. Expected even.

At 34, that's just stupid. This wishing to be other people malarkey is a symptom of low self worth isn't it?

A 3o-something isn't supposed to have such childish issues anymore.

Now, how do I stop being stupid? How do I increase my "self worth" without deluding myself into thinking I'm "better" than I am?

What I need now is some kind of Magic Bullet that will permanently remove these idiotic occasions where I wish I was someone else and make me permanently satisfied and grateful for being who I am.

Anybody have a magic gun?

The Shopgirl/Football Snippets

There is this sundry shop across the street from my house that I go to when I want to get canned goods and cigarettes.

There is this very friendly shopgirl there, always smiling and always in a good mood. I think she's either the towkay-neo or someone related to the family who owns the shop.

With each visit, I'm beginning to find her increasingly more attractive.

Of course since this is me and my this self-destructive attraction to unattainable women we're talking about here, this means that she is probably (a) married but doesn't want to wear her ring or (b) involved in a long term relationship or (c) unattainable in some other way.

*sigh*

Anyway with all honesty and seriousness, I don't think we're each others type.

Enough of that then.

-----

Sports fans of all kinds would no doubt know that the biggest news this week involves a certain ex-Manure and soon to be ex-Galactico midfielder.

He claims that he wants to move to the US because he wanted a new "challenge" and to make a difference in American soccer. I would like to believe that actually. I really do.

Unfortunately, I have this nagging suspicion that his wife had a hand in his decision to move.

Whatever the reason, the good thing is at least football (soccer) is suddenly hyped in American news and this kind of publicity will do it good. I would like more Americans to like the game and become fans.

Talking about football, the ASEAN Football Championship is currently on in Thailand and Singapore. The national team is playing in Thailand and grouped together with Philippines, Myanmar and the hosts. So far, 1 win and 1 draw. Tomorrow, Malaysia play Thailand with qualification at stake.

Why is this remarkable? This is remarkable because for the first time in my life, I'm not laughing at them and instead am actually hoping that they do well.

I don't know why.

Anyway, this is our only realistic chance to win anything. Later this year, Malaysia host one group of the Asian Nations Cup and frankly, there is no way in hell we are getting out of our qualifying group which consists of Iran(!!), China(!!) and Uzbekistan. I'd love for us to be able to qualify but I don't think we're good enough.

The last few days have had a lot of football in it. Been playing Football Manager quite a bit. But this week, I also made it a point to break up my gaming sessions more frequently and go do some other thing, like watch TV. It's a nice change of pace.

Talking about TV, I watched a documentary about Japan. Ahh Japan, what an intriguing place and what intriguing culture they have. One day, I must go and visit.

I'm working this week so I expect another post within the next few days.

Weird Science?

I was reading this. From there I discovered this. And that led me to this. And then this.

This makes good reading too.

Is flirting and meeting people of the opposite gender an art? Or can it be considered a science? Is it both? I'm beginning to think that perhaps it IS a science. Psychology to be more exact.

I'll be honest and say that if it does turn out to be a "science" and if it does turn out that there are certain "methods" that work in flirting with women, I'll be quite disappointed.

Disappointed as in most of the advice that I've gotten and most of the ideals that I used to believe in are all mistaken. Yes, I admit despite some of the stuff I write about this I still kind of hope that at least some of our romantic ideals would turn out to be true.

At least it work for many people I know.

One common thing I kept getting was,"Be yourself" or "Be true to yourself". Sounds good in theory doesn't it, all noble and all that. No need to change anything about yourself. You are good enough.

Are you?

In a previous post, I mentioned certain individuals that we had noticed. These individuals are so messed up and laden with so many problems, no amount of trying will be enough to get them female attention. Something to do with personality flaws from what I can see.

Be true to yourself? What do you do when being true to yourself IS actually the problem.

So you change your personality I suppose. Spank the inner moppet, get over it, identify and solve your problems. But suddenly I remember someone said a long time ago (or was that a comment someone left on this blog, I can't quite remember) changing your personality is the same as faking it, i.e you can't change who you are.

I'm confused. How far do you take "self-improvement" before it can be considered "faking"? And if a gormless, charmless, Average Frustrated Chump gradually changes into someone better and more socially adept, is he still himself or did he become someone else?

This doesn't sound like being true to yourself at all.

More importantly does it really matter?

One other thing. I get stuff like this in my mail too, i.e how to approach and get a woman's (hopefully positive) attention. The thing I don't really like about stuff like this is that at first glance it appears that it stereotypes and objectifies women. That's on one hand.

On the other hand, you have to admit (I'm sure many women will too) that some guys really do need some help when it comes to this. Some guys really need help so that they stop being creepy or being hapless chumps who can't handle themselves in company. I'm quite sure that many "creepy" guys don't want to be creepy. I know I wouldn't want to be. Likewise for people who are "annoying". For the necessary help to be conveyed sometimes abstract concepts need to be quantified, I guess.

Hence the "objectification".

This is the thing, when it comes to love, relationship and all that stuff I find myself constantly being pulled apart in two distinctly different directions. Do I let it flow naturally and be myself, which incidentally I've tried. So far it hasn't worked but I won't discuss the possible reasons here. That's a whole 10 page essay all by itself.

Or do I get a so-called "Players" Handbook" (or use a dating website or a forum) and use the "methods" therein? I haven't done this because frankly it sounds so "artificial".

I would love to fall in love again. It's been so very long since that happened and I'm not getting any younger. But when I think about it and all the confusion and potential trauma that can result from it, I wonder. Is it really worth it all.

Perhaps I've become too cold but I sometimes think that luck and fate are the ONLY things that matter and any other futile attempts are exactly that.

One final question, to women especially.

If you discovered that your husband/boyfriend whom you so adore first attracted you using a "method" or a "pickup" he found in a book/website/dating seminar/etc, would it matter? Would it upset you?

I would really like to know.

Whisper it Quietly...

...Buffy is back. (Pic from Darkhorse Comics)

According to the information that I've been reading. Issue #1 of Buffy Season 8 will come out on 7th March 07.

Sure they've been other comics, but this one is extra special as it is written as a direct continuation of the TV series and will be written by the same people i.e Joss Whedon and co.

Hence, it will be 100% canon!

I'm very excited. This is very good news.

So far, all I know is that Buffy is in Italy and the rest of her old crew are scattered all over the world looking for new Slayers.

I wonder who the Season 8 Big Bad will be...

Still Here

It took 10 minutes to log in to blogger today. That's very annoying.

The newspapers say that our internet situation will be back to normal on the 20th. I hope so. It's hard enough to find motivation to post while my connection speed was good, never mind when it's slowish like today.

Anyway.

The most remarkable thing that I can report from the last few days is the fact that I didn't read anything annoying in the news. That's very remarkable. Or perhaps all the annoying idiots are still on their holidays?

The first weeks of January is always interesting in that it still has that "new" feeling. I would like to find out how long the new year will feel new. I'm going to try and post the very second I feel like it's old hat. I think it'll feel old in another 2 days.

Yes, I'm bored and can't think of anything interesting to do with my spare time, apart from playing and fooling around with FM2007.

Talking about football, the last two weeks have been great of you're a fan of English football. First there was that crazy 4-games-8-days Christmas period and then this weekend was the FA Cup 3rd round. I bet fans of Swansea City are feeling very good at the moment...

I need to steal some double sided tape to stick up some posters on my wall. They are still bare at the moment. I'd like a poster of Sarah Michelle Gellar actually. Or a Buffy one. Where would I find such a thing?

As you can see, I have no idea what to write today.

All I wanted to say is that I'm alive and doing fine. I hope everyone is also fine and will have a good week.

Countdown? Countdown What?

The full horrors of the broadband meltdown struck me early yesterday morning. I spent half the day fielding calls from panicked people who can't receive/send stuff and who are cut off from our other offices which are overseas.

It's fun to be tech support. Really.

I also noticed that many people got rather unwell this last week. Myself included.

For the first time in many, many years (four to be exact) I did not participate in your usual New Years' Eve merry making. I slept. I had to since the next day was a working day and I had to get up at 5 bloody am as usual.

Plus, gastric was still there making me quite uncomfortable.

Anyway, as it turns out missing out on the so-called countdown didn't really bother me all that much. Not as much as it used to. The last time I missed New Years' Eve, I got very sad.

Working on the 1st didn't ruin my mood either. In fact, oddly I feel quite elated for no reason at all.

Maybe it has something to do with the 1st day of the new year. Yesterday, I felt like a great weight had lifted off my shoulders and I felt quite alright despite the flurry of panicked phone calls that I mentioned earlier.

The cynics would insist that the 1st of January is just one day in the year with no actual, material significance. That may be so but is it really? Perhaps deep down I'm thinking,"Finally, a chance for a fresh start. Time to close the book on last year and start anew with a clean slate!"

Maybe.

I'm not questioning it though. I would like to enjoy this positive vibe that I'm having while it lasts because I know that it won't.

And so, what does 2007 bring and what do I hope it will be? I do hope that this year will be more memorable than the last. This year I resolve to be happy and content and to accept the life that I have. I resolve not to begrudge other peoples' good fortunes. I admit last year I did feel that way a few times.

I resolve not to ask "why?" too much.

I hope to become less cold and less cynical somehow. I'm not sure how to do this yet. It is quite likely that I won't be able to pull this off.

We'll have to see.

At the end of this year, I hope I can say that I did well.

Cheers to the New Year and may all our hopes come to pass.