Eye of The Beholder

"I wanna know what it's like to be awkward and innocent, not belligerent.
I wanna know how it feels to be useful and pertinent and have common sense..
Let me in, let me in to the club, cause I wanna belong,
And I need to get strong, and if memory serves,
I'm addicted to words and faces."

- LGFUAD, Motion City Soundtrack

There be times that I hear or read things that I find disturbing or offensive, especially when those things are related to me in some way.

But here I have a choice. I could respond and retaliate. Or I could just let it slide. I'm going to let it slide. I'm going to ignore that part of my psyche that screams,"Silence is an admission of guilt !!!" I don't need to deal with things like this. There will be none of that school yard you-hit-me-first-now-I-hit-you stuff going on here.

I guess I'm going to have to live with the fact that not everyone I meet is going to like me.

I mean, as a rule people are allowed to pick and choose who they associate with and are, as a rule, allowed to reject unsuitable "candidates", yeah ? And when people reject, for whatever reason, what can you say about that eh ? It's disappointing, but still an undeniable right.

No one is good enough for everyone. That's a fact. Unpleasant. But fact.

That's a funny part about being human. I can pick at, pass judgment and say no thanks to people whom I don't want to hang with. And I think it's fair. I feel it's my right. No offence.

And yet, when I find that people do the same to me, I feel slighted and offended. Yeah, I know. That's a double standard. My double standard. My fault.

Perhaps it's the need for validation from other people that causes that. That's something I need to deal with, however difficult it is to be completely self sufficient. It takes a great deal of conviction and confidence to be that way. It takes a lot to be ok in the face of rejection and criticism.

I guess I never really came to terms with the idea that I, by simply being myself, can rub others the wrong way. I never really accepted the fact that I can be less than what other people want or look for. It hurts the pride to be considered lacking and to know that to some, I'm not worth it.

To some people, I'm all kinds of bad. I may be too boorish or too opinionated or too lacking in tact and finesse. Maybe I'm too simple or too complicated. Perhaps I'm not artful and articulate enough for some people. And for others, maybe I'm not manly or hard enough. And to yet more people, maybe I'm simply too plain without any obvious charm.

To some people, maybe I'm alright. To others, I may not be so good. Or perhaps I'm just nondescript and ordinary for them.

I am a composite of many things, including flaws and shortcomings and more. I can't expect everyone to tolerate those, can I ?

It depends on how or what another person sees, their perception. Good ? Bad ? I cannot control what another person will notice when they see me.

Obviously, I haven't figured how much of myself do I need to change before I can be accused of selling out. Such a fine line isn't it ? What do you do, be true and stick to yourself or give face and try to change.

I'd like to be number one in everyone's book. That's just not possible. As long as people remain different from each other, that's not going to happen. No one can be everyone's friend. There will always be others who don't like what you think, what you do, what you say, what you feel and what you are, for whatever the reasons.

And so, rather than whining about how unfair and unpleasant it is, instead of lashing out and coming out with allegations of mistreatment, I'm going to try and accept it like it is instead. Not everyone is going to think I'm an ok person. That's a fact. No need to think of the whys and the how comes.

It's life and it's people. And that's just the way it is.

Awesome !

My connection is on the fritz again. I'm unable to certain websites and I can't post pictures. Last night I couldn't get online at all. Which is a shame because I wanted to put up a really cool Batman Begins poster.

We watched Batman Begins on Thursday. The verdict ? Absofragginglutely AWESOME ! Michael Keaton ? He ain't the real McCoy, Christian Bale is.

This version of Batman is so far superior to its predecessor, words fail me at the moment. I make a poor film reviewer.

I just knew that a darker, angrier Batman would work better than the Michael Keaton version, not that I didn't like that one. But I always felt that Bruce Wayne/Batman had a certain amount of anger motivating him. We get to see that here.

I like how plausible everything is in this movie. The way Bruce Wayne learnt his skills, how the gadgets work, why did he choose the bat as his totem creature, where did he get his armour and why super villains exist, all dealt with very, very convincingly. Christian Bale did a great job, but my favourite character is probably Michael Caine's Alfred.

He was magnificent. Which is more than I can say for some people. Like Katie Holmes. Her Rachel Dawes character was poorly used, almost the token female. They could've fleshed her out a bit more.

I was very impressed with the rest of the cast too, even the support cast. Look at it, Morgan Freeman, Cillian Murphy, Liam Neeson, Ken Watanabe and Gary Oldman, who looked so vastly different from how he usually looks, I didn't know who he was. Anyway, that's what I call a powerhouse cast.

My only complaint has something to do with the fight choreography. Most, if not all of it was shot a little too close in. It would've been nice to see a wide shot of an alley with Batman fighting off three bandits at once.

I really, really want a sequel. I'm sure there will be.

A lot of movies to watch this next month or so. I'm very much looking forward to it. Next on the to-watch list are:-

• War of the Worlds
  
• Initial D
• Fantastic Four
• Unleashed

I'm sure I'm missed something. I'm also sure I'm going to enjoy them all.

In other news, this evil piece of entertainment software is threatening to engulf my life.

There are good games and there are awesome games. Grand Theft Auto : San Andreas absolutely rocks. This iteration of the game is SO huge, it will literally take months for me to complete.

Therefore, it's quite possible I won't be going out too much. And I might blog a little bit less.


In more news, Rin passed me some CDs with a lot of hard to find stuff like Letters to Cleo, Punk Goes Pop, Punk Goes 80s and a lot of other stuff. And Viggo Mortensen (?)

Am taking time off GTA and sorting through them now.

Same Person, Different People

I was on Torrentspy just now and what did I notice ? A torrent file for the Grand Theft Auto San Andreas PC version DVD. Is it really out for PC already ? How come I didn't know about this ?

Looks like it's time for another trip to the favourite computer games shop on Thursday. That means I'll be somewhere near Kuching Plaza around afternoon.

For those of us gaming fans who haven't played any GTA games before, why haven't you ? Are you nuts ?

Heh, just kidding. GTA is extremely violent and extremely politically incorrect. It's not for everyone. But seriously, there are good games and there are awesome games. Try anything in the GTA line up. Guaranteed fun.

What's not to love about a game that allows you to beat people up, steal cars, run over pedestrians and other things that could get you arrested in real life ? Yes, escapism is nice like that. With GTA, nice upstanding citizens like myself can indulge in our gangsta fantasies and not care.

Having said that, this new GTA is apparently going to be a lot harder than the previous one, since I read somewhere that they boosted the cops this time around. Should be interesting.

I'll find out when/if I buy the game.

I was supposed to write about something else entirely this morning.

I've got Yahoo Messenger and other chat software on my PC. I used to be quite excited about that, but I don't use them much anymore.

I've discovered that I've lost the ability to chat online.

I sound completely different from myself in real life. It's hard for me to decide what to say/type, especially when I'm trying to chat with someone I know. I get this strange case of acute writer's block. I become extremely boring. I have no idea why.

In real life, I'm much chattier than that, and hopefully much less boring. I've speculated and thought about why I'm so different on and offline, but I still don't know why.

And what of this blog ? I'm not sure. Do I sound like this in real life too ? Since it doesn't involve direct, real time interaction with other people, it's a lot less apparent to me. So once again, I can't say whether I sound like my blog in real life.

It's quite likely that I'm at least three different people, with at least two online personas and one offline one. Or maybe, three different sides of the same thing. So which one is the purest one ? Who is the real me ? Which one wears the most masks ?

I should go and ask and expert about this. Anyone know a good sociologist ? Or is that even the right person to ask ?

How true are we to ourselves when online anonymity is taken into account ? Or are we more true because of that anonymity ?

What do you think ?

Simplify

*Cracks knuckles*

Today is going to be quite a hectic day. Some people are on leave. So I cross my fingers and hope nothing major happens that require these people.

Apart from that, I'm going to take it easy today. Just routine stuff, nothing too experimental. The same goes for everything else.

I'm thinking about simplifying my life in general. I do notice that I tend to overthink nearly everything. It's quite exhausting.

So I'm going to take things at face value a lot more now. After all, not everything has hidden meaning and not everyone has an ulterior motive behind every question and every request. The whens, the whys and the wheretofores don't matter all the time. Funny how paranoia makes you think that way. I don't do any of that, and yet somehow I always suspect that everyone else is.

Victim mentality again, probably.

So, I'm going to pay less attention to the perceived threats in life and deal with actual things for a change. Also, leave the future in the future, the past in the past and now in the now. Whatever that means.

At least that's plan anyway. Am I going to do it or is all this just rhetoric ? Don't know yet. Whatever happens, I hope to be a little happier at the end of the day.

In other news, I'm feeling dry blogwise. I actually thought about taking time off from posting. But I'm not gonna set any limits. There is no way I can stay away from blogging without feeling anxiety. It's like cigarrettes, only it doesn't kill you.

Anyway, the real reason why I feel dry is that the introspection has dried up. Closure and acceptance does that. The price for that is a boring blog, I guess. Riding The Mellow will no longer be powered by angst. It's time to find a new power source.

Therefore, I might talk about games, movies and miscellaneous other things a lot more now. Maybe I'll write about other people. Or something else that's not directly related to me. I don't know yet.

Ok then, I must go back to work now. Have a nice day.

Letting Go

Since my last post, I got really busy and couldn't post anything. I was supposed to do some kind of introspective thing, but I can't really remember what it was supposed to be about.

I think it was something to do with letting go and growing up. Something like that. Don't you just hate it when you think of something quite profound to say and yet when you sit in front of the computer, the words won't come out ?

Sheesh.

Anyway, letting go and such.

Sometimes, when I get bored, I go read old blog entries and old comments, as a regular blogger often does I bet.

I should really stop regretting things that happened in the past and just get on with the rest of life. I should just accept that the so-called normal life that I want has eluded me. Time and age has made sure of that.

I should stop feeling like a disgruntled 20 year old trapped in an older person's body. I think I've gotten so used to being down in the emotional dumps, it feels strange to be out of it.

This letting go business is quite hard to do, apparently. It's not the first time I thought of such things. And yet, I fall back into familiar territory and start feeling bad about myself again. It's almost comforting when that happens. Hard habit to break, it is.

This is what victim mentality is, isn't it ? Am I using my so-called misfortune as an excuse not to try and move on ? Might be.

Pride can be very troublesome. It prevents me from making do. It makes me ask why I don't have what other people have. Stuff. Satisfaction. Relationship. Any number of other things. Yeah, I'm guilty of being overly proud sometimes. I feel like I deserve all the things that I want, and stamp my feet when I can't get them. I feel like the world owes me.

Whether or not the world actually owes me, that's not really the point is it ? I should realize by now that most of the things that happen to people happen to them whether or not they "deserve" it.

I thought about all that while I was playing my computer games and felt quite at ease. Things happen. Or sometimes, didn't happen when I wanted them to. Sometimes I was the one who messed things up. I made mistakes. I regret. I wish I could go and change and fix things more to my liking.

But no amount of wishing will change those things. I'll have to live with them.

Of course, what-if scenarios are quite fun to discuss, so I won't shy away from that. But perhaps now I can ask what-if and not feel guilty ?

And of course, sometimes I will put up one of those "oh woe is me" posts. I'd be very naive if I thought that things will change from now on. It's healthy to rant once in a while.

One last thing, just as a reminder. I should stop wanting things that are obviously bad for me. I should be brave enough to walk away from such things, no matter how enticing, regardless of the paranoia that I could be throwing something away. Certain things aren't worth the pain they can bring. The juice may be good, but sometimes is not worth the squeeze.

I am not a victim. I am not desperate.

Here endeth today's rather ambiguous post.

Current Music - Swing Life Away (Acoustic) - Rise Against, Punk Goes Acoustic

Some Game Stuff

There should be a picture here. I'll post one when I get home.

What a pleasant day. I'm at work and am about to go off soon, after only six hours on the clock. Six short hours. Six short OVERTIME hours I might add.

I did something for Wikipedia last night. I corrected, rearranged and cleaned up an entry about the Sichuan Invasion. It's not complete though, some of the original entry was incomprehensible gibberish. I'm also not entirely sure of it's historical accuracy.

The original entry was in pretty bad shape. It seemed like the original contributor took the info from a non-English source, put it through Babelfish and posted the results.

Posting on Wikipedia will have to wait while I try to master its formating style. I did start my P-47 Thunderbolt research though, I hope I can finish that someday. Imagine that, an entry in an encyclopedia written by me.

And now for some gaming news, so for those who aren't interested, you people can skip the next paragraph or so.

I downloaded and installed a very, very well done mod for Call of Duty : United Offensive. What it does is that it replaces all the ingame weapon sounds, made some corrections to the names of items, made all the weapons more realistically deadly and other minor cosmetic changes here and there. The new sounds are superb. I suspect that some of the sounds were taken off Saving Private Ryan. That's just fine by me.

Long rifles (bolt action and semi auto) now kill with one shot in head or torso or cause a lot of damage if other areas of a body are hit. Sub-machine guns can kill with short burts, two to three hits. Light and heavy machine guns are so deadly now, they post a real tactical problem as opposed to just being mildly annoying, pre-mod. This time around, the MG-42 canvas ripping sound makes me flinch. As in real life. That thing tears people apart in milliseconds now.

Grenades are properly done now too. The German stick grenade does half the damage as the Allied pineapples. The mod also removes the crosshairs. I found this to be a lot of fun. Now I need to use iron sights a lot more and hip shooting is only practical at short range.

I appreciate historical accuracy in my shooting games. Adds to the atmosphere.

And finally, a little bit of introspection.

I'll do this later when I'm at home.

Let's Wiki !

"Please don't go crazy, if I tell you the truth
No you don't know what happened
And you never will if
You don't listen to me while I talk to the wall
This blanket is freezing, it's been out in the hall
Where you've had me for hours
Till I'm sure what I want
But darling I want the same thing that I wanted before
So sweetheart tell me what's up I won't stop no way"

- How to be Dead, Snow Patrol, Final Straw

Guess what my current favourite song is ?

Oh man, that song is absolutely brilliant. Snow Patrol rocks ! I love their lyrics.

Aside from that, there is a new hobby I'm contemplating.

At work, I've been spending a lot of time perusing through entries at Wikipedia. A free encyclopedia, what a brilliant idea !

I've been reading articles on things relating to World War 2, history, battle details, machinery, units involved, etc. I found quite a few entries that are either non-existent or incomplete.

I have many, many books on World War 2. Included in some of those books are details about these very same incomplete entries.

I'm thinking about contributing. Yes ! Then I can pretend to be all scholarly and borrow my dad's reading glasses.

I also have other references at home that I could use to flesh out other stuff on Wiki. Like details of the legendary P-47 Thunderbolt. And German U-Boat classes. And many others.

Encyclopedias are fun. I grew up reading one. I learn how humans reproduce through it. Talk about getting to the source.

I notice that a lot of people don't really read anymore. Such a shame. Books are cool.

Anyway, about Wiki. I wonder how comprehensive are the entries about Malaysia. I'm going to check now.

Oh yes, before I forget, I must mention that Wiki is open source and anyone can edit and add entries. ANYONE !

I'm going to reread their posting and editing policies and get started as soon as I get that sorted out.

Later then.

Current Music - Grazed Knees, Snow Patrol, Final Straw

Some Pictures

Finally I'm able to put up some pictures.



I like this one. I have many pictures of the sky, taken at different times of the day. And talking about the sky...



...here's what it looks like from the jungle floor.



Some rocks at the waterfall. This picture was actually quite blur, but fortunately it looks alright when I reduced the size.

All this pictures were taken around the Singai area not far from a friend's house.

In other news, there's not much to tell. Except maybe.... nah, that is for another time when I feel like talking about it.

Later.

A Post About Work

Isn't it brilliant? I finish sorting through the new pictures I took last week. I resize them. I'm about to post them and what happens?

Photojerk is inaccessible. Looks like those pics will have to wait until next time. Maybe in the morning or something.

I'm actually thinking about buying a new camera. The one I have is fine, but I want one with faster autofocus and more settings. Maybe one with a manual mode, so I can play with shutter speeds and exposure and things like that.

So many things to buy. So little money. Lets see, right now I want:-

- New wheels for the car.
- Subwoofer/amp.
- New frets for the guitar. And new strings.
- New soundcard for the PC.
- New chair.

All that, plus the necessary expenses like gas, food, drink, DSL etc, means more money needed. I think I'll buy the chair and fix the guitar first. Do the cheap stuff first.

Today, I find myself feeling extremely jaded with my work. It is very possibly an artificial feeling, induced by fatigue, boredom or hormonal imbalance again.

But still, I'm feeling kind of jaded with my job. It feels extremely boring tonight.

I'll try to think positive, up thoughts and remind myself how hard it is to get a job around here these days. I'm going to think about how much I get paid, which is a decent enough amount.

Working in a large private company can feel terribly inpersonal sometimes, where it's more about the bottom line then it is about people. I'm just one guy among hundreds/thousands, working to make a few select individuals get even richer than they already are. Not that there's anything wrong with that. At least the environment is nice and political bullshit is at a minimum. At least I got that to be happy about.

I don't intend to stick around forever though. I'd like to eventually do something that makes an immediate difference in people's lives. Damn if I know what I really want to do. I want to do things on my own instead of working for someone else. Maybe one day?

Maybe I'm missing the contact that I used to have with customers when I worked my previous job? Maybe I want to do something that allows me to meet and talk to people.

Or maybe, I'm just thinking like this because I'm bored and it'll all go away later or in the morning.

The important thing about working is, I guess, the realization that what I do is necessary for me to be able to live properly. Sometimes it's necessary to do things that I don't like or don't feel like doing. My job's not the most noble thing but at least it pays the bills and allows me to have some fun.

Other than this rather bored feeling, everything is fine. The hours tick by and this will improve, probably.

Tonight is also one of those times when I feel like writing a long, long post, except that I'm not sure what I want to write about.

I'll try to remember to post those pictures in the morning.

Current Music - Playing Favorites (Acoustic) - The Starting Line, Punk Goes Acoustic

Some Stuff in the Papers

I shall now post some random stuff to occupy my time here at the office.

Firstly, another excellent, as well as timely column by Marina Mahathir, one of my favourite columnists. I admire her a lot, for being fearless in expressing opinions contrary to the country's political norms and for her work to create HIV/AIDS awareness.

She rocks. She had a book out a few years ago, a collection of some of her Musings articles, published in The Star. Great read.

I hope she'll come out with Volume 2 soon.

Here's another fascinating story about hangmen in Malaysia.

Personally, I'm for the use of the death penalty. Some crimes are just too heinous for the guilty party to be left alive. For example, rape/murder. In my mind, it's quite simple. You rape. Your victim dies. You die. Especially if they're kids. Or maybe for that instance, a firing squad would be more appropritate.

And talking about crime, there's this story about a kid who got beaten up in school and who is now partially paralysed.

As a former victim, I feel very, very strongly about bullying in school. I'm not the right person to ask what to do about bullies. It's a hard topic to think about rationally. It fills me with quite a bit of anger and not a little hate.

I remember them, their faces, their names, the things they did. Most of them now are at the lower end of society, eking out a living. No, I don't feel sorry for them. They nearly destroyed me and any self worth that I had as a child and I still can't get over some of the damage. They deserve every ounce of pain and hardship they get now.

They had it coming.

As for the kids who beat up Afiq, suspend them, try them as juveniles and if found guilty, send them away to Henry Gurney. Or jail, since they're 17 right now. Let's see how "strong" and "macho" these bastards are. Or a salt mine somewhere.

If it were up to me, I'd sit them in the middle of the school football field, make them kneel, shoot them in the gut with a small calibre pistol and leave them to bleed to death.

I guess it's good that it's not up to me.

If it is true that the school's principal and teachers tried to cover this up, sack them.

Enough of this. I can feel myself getting pissed off.

In other news, broadband is going to be cheaper and more efficient, so says the Energy, Water and Communications Ministry. I'm not going to hold my breath. It's the government talking here. They talk a lot, but do a lot less.

However, it's great that they're going to open things up a bit and break Telekom's monopoly. Should be good for consumers, like me.

I hope it happens when they say it will. But I'm not holding my breath.

And finally, Superkumquat tagged me with a meme about DVDs. The problem is, I haven't finished doing my DVD inventory yet.

I'll do the meme as soon as I can. That should make a good post.

Back 2 Life

I need a new chair.

I saw a nice one that won't bust a hole in my wallet on Saturday at Courts. It's incredibly difficult to find a nice, comfy chair that isn't expensive. It's also quite amazing how so few places actually sell loose chairs i.e ones that are not part of a set.

Or maybe I'm not looking hard enough, or in the right places.

I want one of those swivelly office-type chairs that I can lean back on, preferebly with arm rests. The one I have now is actually a dining chair, wooden and straight-backed.

Not the most comfortable thing to sit on for a marathon computer game session.

I think I'll get one next week. Probably.

Today is Monday, which means I go back to work this evening. I will go with some reluctance. I had a nice, long spell away from work.

I simply have to try and go for a week long holiday. Soon maybe.

The crappy thing about having a nice holiday is that it has to end. And I always have this paranoia that in order to keep the balance, something horrible will happen the week after. For once, I'd like to have fun and not worry about negative karmic repurcussions.

So today, I will resume the mundane stuff that most of life is made of (unfortunately).

I went to visit some friends on Friday night. I'm suddenly thinking how appropriate it would be to have a Star Wars convention in Kota Padawan (literally, Padawan City or Padawan Fortress). We talked about it and by the end of the conversation, no one could speak due to too much laughing. Especially that part when one of my friends said he's going to go home to Padawan and ask his granddad about his lightsabre and where did he put it.

It sounds a lot funnier in real life.

My friend's kampung is Kampung Padawan. For those who don't know, Kampung (or Kota) Padawan is a mostly Bidayuh village not far from the city.

Oh yes, I should mention the jokes about Jedis being trained at SMK Padawan (village secondary school). Yeah, we had a roaring good time.

Life isn't too bad right now. The first half of the year's been relatively good to me. I really, really hope the second half will be as good.

Actually, I want more. I want fate to give me a break.

I want this next six months to be in my favour. I hope I will get some money (at least I got a raise, so that's a plus). I want one of my crazy projects to take off. I want to be in situations where I'm the one who comes out on top, simply by just showing up and standing around with my hands in my pockets.

I want to be the one who gets lucky, as opposed to some other person who shows up and stands around with his hands in his pocket. I want someone else to feel frustration and ask why, instead of me. I want to win for a change.

I want to meet someone and get involved in a relationship that actually works. I want to be able to do that without walking on eggshells and constantly worry that something I do or say or don't do or don't say will screw the whole thing up.

Selfish? Yes. But why should I feel bad about it. I want good fortune. What's so bad about that?

But this being my life, nothing is that simple and nothing I want ever comes without cost or without fine printed clauses.

I wish it wasn't like that.

Gawai Aftermath

Is it me, or does Streamyx seem sluggish today.

I'm feeling extremely dry right now. I got quite smashed last night. Therefore, my Gawai is complete. As an indigenous person, not getting drunk during the harvest festival is like not celebrating it. Must get stoned.

And I did.

Anyway, I think up to this point this afternoon, I think I've drunk 3 litres of water. Which helps.

Lester just called. I'm supposed to go visit him later.

Where were we last night ? Oh yes, drink. At Leon's place. As usual with any festive occasion at Leon's, drinks were served.

Beer, Night Train, beer, baccardi and two different kinds of tequila. It was awesome.

All our friends were there. Jerome, Rin, Will, my brother, Syuk, Raven and Trimas. I think I got everyone there.

We used to do this a lot. Gather somewhere, pop open a few bottles, get drunk and tell stories and ribald jokes.Nowadays, everyone's kind of busy so we don't do it so much.

By the end of the evening, some of us had to leave early while some of us passed out on the pavement and some of us threw up. Ahh, good times.

I took many pictures. Leon went one extra and took a video of some of us cackling madly. It was very funny.

I might post one or two.

We also went to Kampung Singai to visit Will at his parents' kampung (village) house. Another Gawai feature, a trip to the rural parts of the state. It wasn't very far, maybe 35 minutes of leisurely driving. My brother for some odd reason managed to fail to notice the two red cars we parked by the road side and overshoot to some other place far, far away. He made it in the end but that was still quite weird. How do you not notice two red cars parked by the road ?

Later, Will took us to a waterfall nearby. That was cool. The water was great. Too bad we were dressed wrong. Next time we go here, I'm bringing shorts.

The place is quite out of the way and not too many people go there. And for good reason. The trail up to the waterfall was quite tricky. Definitely not safe for the less gainly amongst us.

I took many pictures. Will put them up once I sort through them.

Gawai 2005 has been a good one, with many friends to hang out with and more (hazy) memories to savour. I'm going out again to visit some more friends.

Happy Gawai everyone and may the next year's harvest be as bountiful, whatever it may be.

Once You Start Down the Dark Path...

An internet quiz, taken of My Two Bits.


Green is your Lightsaber's color.

Green is the color of nature. It symbolizes growth,
harmony, and freshness. Green has strong
emotional correspondence with safety. Green is
also commonly associated with wealth and
happiness, so someone with a green lightsaber
like yourself is a fortunate soul.

What Colored Lightsaber Would You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla

Fortunate soul ? I somehow find that funny. And not in a humourous way. Fortunate ? Funny how I don't feel like that on some days.

There are times in life when it's hard to feel blessed and grateful. It takes a big person to see light in dark times. I guess I'm not as big as I thought. That's a disappointment.

Remember when we were children and so full of idealism ? We thought we were The Good Guys, holding the fort against the so-called Bad Guys. We wanted to be heroes, steadfast and true.

We grow up and along the way we find that many truths are actually half-truths or worse, pure lies. The good guys don't always win. Hard work guarantees nothing. Being a good person doesn't exempt you from hurt and betrayal, it in fact make it easier for people to use and discard you. Things don't work put the way your parents and your elders tell you.

We become jaded and cynical. Some of us give in to sorrow, hate, anger and pain. Slowly, the dark side beckons.

It's deceptively easy to fall. And worse, when it happens you don't realize it before it's too late.

I think about it sometimes. Where do I stand ? Am I still Good ? Or have I succumbed and given up ?

I like to think that I'm a good person. Am I still ?

There are days when I think that I am not as good as I think I am, that contrary to what I imagine, I'm not The Good Guy. I might just be a bit player or worse. I find that very disturbing.

Life is hard and really effective at squeezing the good out of people isn't it ?

In other news, I've been entertaining myself by reading episode summaries of The Twilight Zone.

I've seen many horror movies and things like that, but some Twilight Zone episodes make my blood run cold. A writing tour de force, no doubt.

I'll write more about the Twilight Zone and other horror/thriller anthologies when I wake tomorrow (hopefully).

Why?

Note: Introspective emotional garbage again.

I've been trying TWO days to post something that I've been thinking about. TWO whole days.

Why so difficult? I'll be honest and say that it's because I do not want to appear:-
a) Bitter
b) Immature
c) Pathetic
d) All of the above

But alas, I cannot feign bravery and stoicism. Pathetic, weak, whatever right? Perhaps I am all these. Perhaps why I find it so difficult to whine nowadays is that I want to deny these things, hide the truth from everyone, present a good, solid front.

If I appear to be any or all of the above or any other thing I didn't mention, then that is part of who I am. What can I say, except maybe sorry? I know friends read this, friends who maybe wishing that I'm "all better" nowadays. I'm sorry.

So here it is, the return of the introspective post. Thank you.

"Why are you still single? Hey you need to find someone soon man. How old are you already? Other people your age have family already. You can't even find a girlfriend. "

"Aren't you worried about what your parents might think?"

I don't know the answers. Except that last question, maybe. They never say, but I'm quite certain that their kind of disappointed. I see my mom dote on The Cat and I can almost see that she wishes that at least one of her children would settle down already and produce grandchildren, pronto.

I feel sorry for them. They can't rely on me for that. Not anytime soon. Not ever, probably. At least, my two brothers are in better shape than I am when it comes to that. Neither one of them have my luck when it comes to the opposite sex. They're both more attractive and have more charm and younger than I am. It's not too late for them yet.

Thank goodness for that.

I wish I could say that it's other people who are being nosey. But I too wonder why and I too yearn for it. These days, I can deal with being single well enough. But somedays, it does get real lonely out here.

Yes, I still wish there was someone there. Why do I feel so weak when I say that? Why do I want to shake my head and hit Del when I write that? Why should I feel guilty about it?

It doesn't help that my peers are walking around with their long term girl friends in tow, getting engaged and getting married left, right and centre. It gets worse when I see other people I know do these things. People younger than me. Much younger.

I wonder how they do it. I wonder why when I try it, I fail. And fail.

I can't help but feel slightly bitter and left out. I can't help but ask if they can do it, why can't I ? Is it SO difficult? Am I so lacking in the qualities that would render me capable of being in a relationship? Never mind being in one, how about STARTING one. I'd settle for that right now.

Is it really me? What's wrong? Is it really because I'm too short? Too old? Too boringly average? Too emotionally wrecked? Too...too..some other thing that I don't know about?

Do the Fates really hate me THAT much to toy with my life by letting me have wants and desires that I cannot possibly fulfil?

I sometimes feel like something IS really wrong with me. Why wouldn't I think so? Everytime I start whatever attempt, it ends so badly.

I'm sorry, it's not you, it's me. I'm not interested. I don't think/look at you like that. You're too [insert flaw here]. What? With you? Hahahahahahaha.!!!

These are the sounds I keep hearing.

I should get used to it. I can't. Can anyone get used to being rejected? To being alone when they don't want to be? Can anyone show me how?

Once, only once, there was someone who did like me a lot. But I didn't like her back the same way. I thought it would be unfair to her, so I let her go. She begged to stay but I said I can't pretend to be in love with her when I'm not.

I tried. I honestly did. But she wasn't the one. Or was she?

I can't help thinking now that maybe that was It. She was supposed to be the one. I was never supposed to be in a blissful, happy relationship, just a mediocre one. I can't help thinking how I might have unknowingly thrown away the only workable relationship that I've ever had.

And now, I pay.

Perhaps, I'm just too ordinary to deserve the kind of happiness that I want? Nothing special, so why should I get something like that right? Get real and just have to make do right? After all, does Quasimodo deserve a Princess?

Is that how the world works? Can someone tell me how? What am I doing wrong? What's wrong with me?

So, how to answer these questions?

I don't know. I don't know why I'm still single at 32.

I don't know why I can't start a relationship. I don't know why I cannot meet somebody who likes me whom I can like back and vice versa. I don't know why I can't stop wanting and wishing and yearning for a relationship. I don't know why I can't seem to enjoy being single.

I don't know. I don't know.

War and Games

Let's get something down first before I inevitably forget.

Remember the excellent HBO miniseries Band of Brothers ? Did you enjoy it ? I know I did.

There's going to be another one ! This time set in the Pacific and it will be called The Pacific War. Read the sypnosis, it sounds quite fascinating. This time the story will be told from the point of view of a USO troupe travelling around the Pacific during WW2. Filming is suppose to begin around now.

This is great !

I have friends, family and neighbours who are either still in the armed forces or have been in the armed forces. I have a healthy respect for soldiers.

I like war films and I play war games, but that does not mean that I glorify or approve of war in any way. I have no illusions about the so-called "glory" of it. I've read the books written by soldiers and I've heard stories from veterans and other older people who remember events from The Emergency and The Confrontation. There's nothing glorious about it. War is dirty business.

The reason why I write this disclaimer of sorts is that I've been accused of being a war fan due to my interests in things like weaponry and military things. I find this quite insulting.

Guns and weapons don't make war. Technology does not make war. People do. Just because I like guns and jet fighters doesn't mean I'm raring to go to war. So-called "army freaks" like myself are not why wars happen. For the causes of war, we need to look at politics and religion. Put the blame where it lies please.

Ok, now that's out of the way, I feel much better.

And talking about war, remember the excellent first person shooter Call of Duty ? I went to Gametrailers last night and I'm so happy to see that the sequel Call of Duty 2 will be out very soon. Of all the shooters that I've played, none comes as close as the Call of Duty series when it comes to reproducing the noise and chaos of modern warfare. The levels and scenarios in the game can be brutal at times.

It made me wonder if I could cut it if I were caught in similar situations in reality. It gave me even more respect for soldiers.

The new Call of Duty will be excellent for sure. From what I've seen, there will be a British campaign in Western Desert (Desert Rats ?!) and a beach landing with what looks like US Army Rangers scaling a cliff (Pointe Du Hoc ?). It should be a blast to play these levels.

There's also a version of the game called Call of Duty : Big Red One. Too bad I don't have a PS2. Yet.

In other news, I know of some people who would be quite disappointed to read me waffling about video games instead of the usual introspection :-D. What can I say, I don't have much to write about these days.

Earlier this evening, I did in fact start writing a bitter, ranty, introspective piece. But as the night wore on, I started feeling much better so I'm shelving that post.

So is my life getting better ? Have things really changed ? Not really. What has changes is probably how I look and react to things. One might say that my so-called stride has widened a bit. I guess being old has its good points after all.

But not to worry introspection fans, the angsty posts will return in due time. After all, I still have all those familiar emotions and thoughts boiling under the surface. I still feel a bit lonely at times and I still yearn for a relationship occasionally. Even more so when a festival comes along.

Like Gawai. But alas, there's little that I can say about it now that I've not said before.

Meanwhile, I take everything in stride and move on. Hopefully, it'll happen when it does and I hope I won't have to wait too long.

Live Music

Earlier this evening, I went to watch Sarawak Symphony Orchestra's production of "Trial by Jury". It was highly entertaining. This was the first time I've been to a live musical production.

Such is my luck, living in this ah beng infested cultural wasteland that is Kuching.

It was better than I expected. Midway, there was some slightly glitchy sound but that wasn't the fault of anyone but the sound man.

I had forgotten how wonderful it is to hear a good choir sing, and this despite having been in two different choirs back in school. The harmonies are breathtaking. The play itself was unlike anything I've ever seen. It was excellent.

If my job had a more normal schedule, I would like to ask how to get in the choir. It would be great to be in a choir again.

Recorded sound and music is good by itself, but there's something magical about a live performance whatever it might be. Even a jam session by a crappy band can sound good if the players have the right attitude. I remember back in school, aside from the choir I was also in a band, as well as filling in when school mates go for their spontaneous jam sessions. Especially when they needed a drummer. I haven't played in so long, I think I may have forgotten how.

And playing live in front of an audience ? Nerve wracking, but exhilirating at the same time. Totally indescribable.

Someone asked me before, if I had to choose, would I rather be blind or deaf ? I would rather be blind. As bad as a dark world is, a world without music is much, much worse. Music is life, after all.

Later the whole bunch of us went to have dinner and somewhere along the line my blogging frequency came up again.

The truth is, I'm still finding it difficult to post presently. Last night, I did feel like posting but I was suddenly feeling low so I decided to skip it and go to sleep instead.

I trying to avoid thinking too much and posting when my mood is bad nowadays. The thing about low moods is that they don't last. And I no longer wish to be defined by my low cycles.

I'm the type who likes to babble when I'm depressed. This has not served me in a good way.

Most definitely, if I feel crappy I would post. After all, as I keep mentioning this blog came about because of that. But only if my angst was real and not a case of cyclic melancholy.

Like tonight, I'm not feeling so good actually. But I'll be fine in the morning, I know this. No time to think about my life. I think I'll do that when I'm more rational.

And to anyone else who's feeling crappy right now, go get some rest. Perhaps your head will clear up in the morning.

Have a good night.

Then and Now and Net

There is something wrong with Blogger again. I can't seem to insert links when I use "Compose" mode. Looks like I have to hard code this post with HTML.

Bummer...

I don't like code. I get confused by it.

I bought a feathered ball toy thing for The Cat today. She likes feathery things. She's been playing with it for a while now.

There are no new games out, at least none that I'm interested to play. There's no new thing to write about either.

I use this blog to complain. That's what it started out as. It's been quite effective in that it helped purge me of a lot of baggage. If only I started blogging back in secondary school. That would've probably turned me into a slightly better person. I should've.

Except that during the 1986-1991 period, the Internet didn't exist yet, as least not widely anyway. Kids these days, so damn lucky with their mobile phones and the broadband and all this new fangled telecommunications stuff.

Back in those days, we had to plan appointments well in advance including things like place and time to meet. One tiny misunderstanding and the whole thing would have to be called off.

No such thing as split second calls or smses on a cell phone, no sirree.

I remember how useful public phones were.

When someone liked someone else, the only low risk way to tell that someone was to write a letter. Yes, a letter as in paper and ink with handwriting. Or typewriter. Or one of those corny notes you pass through a middleman.

I used to play middleman in class. That was funny.

Nowadays, all you need is email.

I can only imagine how much money my current contacts would cost me in stamps. Thank goodness for email.

The world seems so much smaller and much less difficult to comprehend nowadays. Technology is cool like that. Or in this case, the Net.

Without the net, I wouldn't have met and gotten to know half the people I know now.

It's funny when I remember back in the early nineties when some people insisted that Internet use would be bad for social skills.

As usual with naysayers, that was wrong. I suppose it would be true if by using the Net someone cuts themself off from other people.

Technology is not the bad here. Antisocial people are antisocial, whether or not they are online.

Excuse me, I will go play with The Cat now and download more music.

Nineteen Thousand and Counting

As of 7.05am local time this morning, my hit meter registered 19000 hits. Not bad for a non-descript personal website will almost no relevant content, eh ?

I'm posting less frequently nowadays. Partly due to being busier, partly due to a more eventful social surrounding and partly due to the relative lack of angst and disatisfaction. So I might have to change focus again to make things slightly more interesting.

Rin and myself have been taking quite a few photos lately. I haven't had the time to put them up yet, but some of the photos really look good. Last night, she wanted to stop by at the Waterfront and take more pictures but there was no place to park. Such a shame, for the sky was clear and the moon was full last night.

Near the River Barrage there is a great place to take photos especially on a clear night. I especially like the sky's reflection on the surface of the water. It's gorgeous. Unfortunately, my camera is not capable of picking up enough light to take a good picture of it. I tried a few times already and all I got was darkness. It's too damn bad.

I can't believe Gawai is just a week away. I guess I've been more wrapped up with other things than I thought. Usually I'll start talking about it a month in advance. I'll be having a long break Gawai week. It'll be a good time to catch up on some rest and merry making. I think this year's festivities will be a bit less exciting than last year's. All of us got too busy to really plan anything. The other boring thing is that I'll be working on Gawai eve.

Gawai week is quite significant for me personally. It falls in June, the halfway point of the year. Imagine that, half the year gone in a blink of the eye. Or so it feels like. All things considered, it's been quite a good year so far. I've enjoyed it.

Aside from the last night's sky, hits and Gawai there's nothing much to report right now. Perhaps I can think of something tomorrow when I get off work ? I'll put up some pictures when I get home. I must remember to bring that camera more often.

Talking about the night sky, I read that the Voyager I space probe is on the verge of leaving the system into interstellar space. This is exciting. I've been following the progress of Voyager 1 (and it's sister Voyager 2) on and off since I was in primary school. And here it is, still running(!) and about to go someplace where nothing manmade has ever been before.

The unknown. So frightening and yet so compelling at the same time....

I Have a Bad Feeling About This...

Warning : Long geeky post about Star Wars

I feel a great disturbance in the Force.

I feel strangely anxious, like I forgot something or did something wrong without realizing it. I wrack my brain and could think of nothing real as such, however. Perhaps a spot of blogging with help remove this..... discomfort, this restlessness.

It's probably nothing. I sometimes get like this, especially in the morning. It should go away by lunch (I hope).

I expect to have a quiet day in the office today. It's a public holiday and there will be no one here but myself. I'm quite grateful for that.

I don't think I'm in any shape to deal with difficult callers today.

I had great fun last night as we watched Star Wars : Episode III Revenge of the Sith. There were 23 of us in the same group. We would've looked very impressive if we had gone ahead with that crazy idea of dressing up as storm troopers/scout troopers/clone troopers/commandos.

I'm rather saddened. It is the last Star Wars movie to be made. An end of an era. Another part of my childhood officially drawn to a close. A bittersweet experience.

The movie itself was as I expected. I was satisfied by it.

George Lucas once confessed that he isn't much of a writer when it came to scripts. He's right.

Let's get the cheesy dialogue out of the way first. Yes, there's lots of cheese here, predictably between Padme and Anakin. Prepare to gag as Padme talks about babies and lakes and gardens and other mushy stuff. Prepare to throw up when Anakin opens his mouth.

It wasn't all bad though. I thoroughly enjoyed Anakin's subtle "Oh shit !" look when he found out that Padme was pregnant.

There are many other instances of crap dialogue, but I'll need either a second screening or a transcript to quote them. Besides I'm sure many people haven't watched ROTS yet, so I think I should bring down the spoiler count.

The other disappointing thing is.... no Imperial March ! How could they not play the Imperial March !?

And now, on to the good.

1. Artoo. Who doesn't love the precocious astromech droid ? Is it even possible for me to add any more to the countless words of adoration that have been written about the dustbin on wheels ? No it is not possible.

In general, Artoo is cool. In ROTS, Artoo rocks. It says much about the acting in the movie when one of the most endearing characters is a droid with no meaningful lines.

Ok I may be a bit biased about Artoo. But it's my blog, so there. I also have this nagging feeling that the poor thing got downgraded or cannibalised for spares before he appeared again in The New Hope (Ep. IV).

2. Lightsabre fights. Lightsabres make Star Wars what it is. If not, then Star Wars would be just another space flick. Watching a Star Wars movie without lightsabres would be quite similar to watching porn without the sex, don't you agree ?

Swashbuckling movies with nobles, pirates and rogues have this magical romanticism about them. Ditto movies with lightsabre fights. In fact, I dare say if it weren't for lightsabres Star Wars would suck quite a bit.

Alongside cheesy dialogue and dustbinlike droids, ROTS is lightsabres galore. There's more lightsabres here than you could shake a lightsabre at. It's a lightsabre convention complete with missing limbs, decapitation and bad in-fight dialogue (with extra cheese). And Mace Windu and his BMF purple sabre ! And Yoda !! And the Emperor !!! And things like Force Push and Force Drain !!! And trachea crushing !!!! And...and.... I could go on.

Syuk said that he thought they used too many close-ups when shooting the sabre fights and I'm inclined to agree with him. It would've looked so much better if they had zoomed out a little bit more.

But whatever my misgivings are, the lightsabre duels are still awesome.

3. Ominous familiarity. The first two prequels didn't have much of any visual link with the original trilogy. They might as well have been stand alone movies. In ROTS, things start to get familiar.

The stormtroopers start to look like how they used to, albeit more colorful. In fact, I might actually like the colorful armour more than the plain, boring white ones in the original trilogy.

Starfighter designs got closer to the ones in the original. Precursors to familiar ships like TIE fighters, X-Wings and the Cygnus shuttle (for those who didn't know, the shuttle Tydirium in Return of the Jedi was of this type) make their debuts.

Starship-wise, the thing that really made the circle complete was the appearance of Bail Organa's ship, the Corelian Corvette Tantive IV. No, there is no mention of the name of the ship anywhere in the movies but that is what it's called.

It was quite the moment when I saw what was to be the very ship Leia would use twenty years later fly into frame. It was still fast, new and shiny too.

The creep inducing familiar thing is obviously Emperor Palpatine himself. He looks and sounds just like I remembered, except maybe more maniacal.

And the final direct link between ROTS and the original Episode IV is the contruction of a certain..... battlestation.

4. Vader. The reason why I (and many millions of others, I'm sure) was so looking forward to ROTS. He looks more menacing and less whiny with the suit on. My only gripe is that the suited Vader had too little screen time.

5. Other random goodness. Luke and Leia ! I love the scenes when they were delivered to their respective adoptive families. I especially like the scene when Aunt Beru and Uncle Owen were looking out towards the horizon while holding Luke. Luke's theme was playing in the back ground. This is my next favourite piece of Star Wars music after the theme and the Imperial March.

I thought the big space battle over Coruscant was brilliantly done. It was incredible.

Wookies ! Tarful !! (the Wookie leader). For those people who played Star Wars : Republic Commandos it's cool that we got to see Tarful again. I like wookies. But somehow I didn't really like Chewie being in this movie. He seemed out of place.

General Grievous. He got taken out way too soon. I thought he was great. He could've been made more dangerous. He should've had more screen time too. I'd rather watch and listen to Grievous cough than listen Padme and Anakin talk to each other.

Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi ! In The Phantom Menace, he wasn't very impressive. In Attack of the Clones, he was a little better but he struck me as rather anal retentive. In ROTS, Obi-Wan started acting more like the Ben Kenobi that I remember. He was consumate and professional. Ewan McGregor did a great job here.

Obi-Wan's pet lizard thingy was quite interesting as well.

Mace Windu ! Poor sucker got force-drained but he was good while he lasted. Heck, it's Samuel L. Jackson man. And purple lightsabre = badass.

Order 66. ROTS's "Oh nooo !!" moment. Big creep factor here. Watch and see what I mean.

Yoda ! Like Artoo, the best characters in the Star Wars universe are always the small ones (except Han Solo who obviously isn't small). But personally, I kinda like crazy Empire Strikes Back Yoda more than the more sane one here.

Obviously, I enjoyed ROTS immensely. Go and watch it now. So many things I wish to write, so many thoughts and questions.

But for now, I will end here.

Sith Tonight

We're watching Star Wars Ep. III this evening. I'm very excited ! And this post, probably very boring.

After all these years, the story is about to be completed. It's an end of an era. This reminds me of how I felt when Buffy ended.

I actually have a good idea about what will happen. That is not important. I'm not too particular about spoilers, fortunately. That's the thing nowadays, there really is no real way to prevent spoilers from reaching people.

Back in the day, people didn't need to worry about spoilers and movie makers didn't have to worry about things leaking out. Then came the Internet.

Ah, the Internet. I'd be so bored without it.

I am supposed to write about some things that I listed down sometimes this week. I'll probably write those tomorrow or next week or something when I'm at work.

Rin and I are at my house watching my cat behave very strangely. She's a very strange cat with a fascination for feather dusters and the paper clip thing that's attached to a nylon string string.

I'm having quite an interesting spell at the moment, where I'm actually busier away from work than I am at it. It's quite interesting.

I must go now. Star Wars beckons. And dinner maybe. And tomorrow, I have to work.

Oh well.

Current Music Serena Duncan Sheik

At a Cyber Cafe Again

I am at a cybercafe. My God, the terminals here are in bad condition. The space bar on the keyboard is making an unsettling clacking noise when I tap it and the top half of the monitor is out of sync with the bottom. This monitor will die soon.

Now, why am I in a cybercafe instead of being at home. That's because she called me during lunchtime telling me that her car is low on gas and she needs a ride to school. So, here I am waiting for her to finish in about half an hour.

It's actually quite nostalgic here. I haven't been to a cybercafe in a long time. I spent a big portion of my life in a cybercafe. Heck, I used to work in one.

I've been thinking about things that I want to do with my PC. Perfomance wise it's fine but I think I need a new casing. No, let me rephrase that, I WANT a new casing. I don't really need it. I also thinking about that USB hard drive case that my friend has. It's a box like thing about the size of a CD-ROM drive with a USB cable attached that will take a regular IDE hard drive and make it essentially portable. With this thing, I could have a portable 200Gb hard disk to carry around.

I salivate as I wait the release of Need For Speed : Most Wanted. I loved Need For Speed Underground 2 and I expect no less from the sequel. This new game will have the poe-leese in it, so that should make for some interesting pursuits and wild driving. I've also read somewhere that this game will have supercars like Feraris and Lambos and exotic imports alongside your regular street rides. That would be great. Imagine smoking a Porsche with your Supra.

The graphics of this new game will be mindblowing for sure. I'm also looking forward to the soundtrack.

Racing games are fun. I wish that one day, a PC version of Gran Turismo would become available. That would rock and would keep me busy for at least two months.

Ok then. Time to pick someone up from school.

Cats, Big Ass Dogs, Driving Around and Bad Movies

We took The Cat for shots today. She's quite a handful now. On the way home she kept pawing the car window to try and find a way out.

I think we need to buy one of those pet carriers soon, since she's due for another shot next month. Pretty soon she'll be big enough and strong enough to make handling her difficult.

The vet said she was cute.

And talking about animals, Rin and I drove around town today and we noticed that Kuching's got quite a number of pet shops now. So different from when I was younger.

And talking about animals again, while we were at one of those pet shops at MJC we saw the biggest dog I've ever seen. Appropriate it was called Giant. I have never seen an Alsatian THAT big, honest.

It was easily more than five feet long nose to tail. Huge ! I wonder how much it eats.... I'll be broke if I had a dog that big.

I wish I brought my camera.

Later, we went to meet up with Jerome at Java Juice. Gette came later. As usual, the conversation was great. I wish we could see Gette more often. She's a lot of fun. But alas, she's a busy girl and her job takes a lot out of her.

Rin and I have been running up the clicks in both our cars driving around town. I notice that:-

A. Kuching is not very big, but that's quite obvious.
B. It might get a little dull due to the lack of size, but there are some really nice places around.
C. The sights are great and I'm not talking about the regular tourist traps. Drive around the outskirts of town and see what I mean. Especially around five-ish.
D. It's no longer as backwater-ish as it used to be when I was in school.

I like my small town. It will always be that. It may be offically a city, but I fervently hope it never, ever loses that small town feel.

Finally, some blogging reminders for myself.

First, romanticism.

Just now when I driving Rin home when I asked her,"What's romantic to you ? What makes you go awww ?"

It got me thinking, what do I find romantic ? It seemed like a straightforward question but I'm going to think about that before I write it down. As usually, talking about feelings is like peeling an onion. So many layers. And sometimes there are tears.

Second, Sleeping Dictionary.

At any rate, that was a bad, bad movie. But not as bad as Gigli, which was so bad I could only watch half of it before gagging and turning of the DVD player. That's really saying something, since I usually like watching laughing at bad movies.

I'll write about these things as soon as I find the time. I'm going to go watch my Alone in The Dark DVD now.

Current Music Only In My Dreams Steps Gold

Labels

I'm sitting here at the office, enjoying a rather good view of the setting sun while I try to revive a broken Dell Inspiron 510M notebook. So far, it's doing ok. I can see the network now and can join domain.

Am applying XP Service Pack 2 now.

That was the first thing that came to mind when I hit the Create New Post button. So sad isn't it ?

I'm still feeling rather sore from hauling those 90lb servers yesterday, as mentioned here. Good workout that one was.

This morning I had so many things I wanted to blog about. Unfortunately, so many users called me wanting help with so many things. And now, as the sun is setting and the users go home, I forgot what I wanted to write.

Boo...!

Well anyway, what I do remember are snippets, and one of those snippets have something to do with relationships. Again. Something about people's duality when it comes to that.

Some people make better friends than lovers. Heard of that, I'm sure we all have. The question becomes, why ?

I think it boils down to expectations. A person would expect more from a lover, perhaps too much in many cases. People expect certain things that from a lover, what they should do or say and how they should behave.

It's harder to be your own person because I think the label "boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife" carries its own set of rules. It's ironic in a way. We keep hearing the advice, "be yourself, be yourself". But how many of us have gradually morphed into The Boyfriend or The Wife or whatever else the label is.

I know I have.

I'm sure they are exceptions to the rules. For that to happen, I think one must have supreme confidence in themselves.

I think so, because how many times have we seen a person who is less than comfortable with themself act like a prat when they're in love ?

I know I did.

Irony again. The less confident one is about themself, the more the need for approval from another, the less able the ability to sustain a good relationship.

It's like that thing where the best way to keep a relationship going is not to need it in the first place.

Life is strange like that.

Labels. One night, me and Rin were driving around when she suddenly said,"Isn't it great to have a platonic relationship without needing to label ?" She's right.

What of me and Rin ? Are we going out, like dating ? Are we friends ? What is the level of out relationship ?

Who cares...

We like each other a lot. I think she's a great girl. But we're not in love. There is no commitment as such. So that means we aren't dating I suppose. I find her attractive, but not enough to ask her out officially so to speak. I would accept and give it a try if she were to ask me, but I don't think she feels like that about me.

But we spend an awful lot of time together. So we're friends ? Maybe. But I sometimes think it's more than mere friendliness.

There's always a good kind of tension there, when we're hanging out.

But is it courtship ? Flirting ? No I don't think so somehow. Courtship has a definite intention. Flirting ? Too flighty.

The truth is it doesn't matter. It's a great relationship whatever I call it. We're in a nice, comfortable place. She doesn't say, but I think she feels the same here.

There's one more point, one that makes it so much better. And that point is...

No labels, no pressure. I like it.

A Piece of The Past

I've been hanging out at The Crib a lot the past few days. The Crib's a nice place to have lunch/dinner or just to simply hang around and chat.

I'm especially pleased that the place is top notch because it belongs to people I know, including a personal friend of mine. I'm more than happy to spend time and money there. At last, a cosy place which DOES NOT play techno.

They do need to jazz up the wall a bit with paintings or pictures and the like. But that's a minor issue. The choice of drinks and food is quite good. The pricing is quite decent. I like it.

The place needs a website. And an assistant cook.

I was there late last night with Rin. And while we were there, I spied a familiar face not two tables away from us. For a split second, we saw each other before going about our business. I told Rin about her and what happened.

Apparently, she's chummy with one of the people working there. Such a small place Kuching is.

And who is this that I spied ? That, is quite a long story. Not to mention a rather embarassing one harkening back to the days when I was less together and more all over the place.

A reminder of how worse off I was then than I am now.

Once upon a time, I came to know this girl. Let's call her Jayne. I think I've posted about her before, but I'm too pressed for time to hunt for that post. Later perhaps.

Jayne, she was a hell of a girl (and probably still is). Confident, somewhat brash and free spirited. Not to mention tall (for a local girl) and beautiful. Obviously, she had a lot of admirers.

We were quite close. We hung out together and gradually drew closer. Unfortunately I was in no shape to be that close to her. I was too emotionally fragmented for her. She was simply too far ahead of me when it came to self-control and emotional maturity, despite being younger than me by two years. I behaved badly.

I messed it up. Our friendship imploded.

Some people get too excited around women, especially when they like them a lot to the point that they can't distinguish what things they should do and shouldn't do. Other people get sad and morose around them, demanding them to mother them and shower them with attention (the popular woe-is-me approach to courtship).

Some people follow their objects of affection around, annoying them and creeping them out. Or royally pissing them off. Some people get hyper intense and ultra possesive, viewing any other male person as a potential threat and behaving accordingly. It's bad enough if the woman in question is the girlfriend, worse if the woman in question is just a regular friend.

I was all these people and possibly more.

I can't help think that I met her too soon. But from another point of view, I would never have noticed my destructive patterns if not for her and others like her.

So there I was at The Crib, seeing her through different eyes. She was as pretty as ever, but somehow less glowy. Less...intimidating.

If she met me and spoke to me, will I act differently ? Honestly, I can't say. She belongs to the past, and somehow I worry that I might regress if I do speak to her. That would be a very, very bad thing.

I like to think that I've progressed since then. I like to think that I've changed for the better, that I'm more capable of forming a great relationship with a woman that will benefit and satisfy both of us instead of just myself.

But that's the troubling thing about personal growth, you can't see it clearly. The only people who can judge that are other people. But having said that...

Last night, I saw a piece of my past. It made me remember. I can say, I'm better now then I was then. If I wasn't I can say with absolutely certainty that I would not have had Rin for company last night, especially when I take into account what's been happening between her and some people we know.

It remains one of my deepest regrets that it took so long for me to find hangups and mistakes and try to learn from them. It pains me to think about how many potentially good relationships I'd screwed up because of how I was.

All of these regrets, Jayne remains the biggest of them all. I can only hope that it these so-called lessons and regrets are not for nothing, that somehow it's not too late for me to redeem them.

I can only wait and see.

EDIT: I have some great news.

I found a place that does fret replacements for acoustic guitars ! I can bring my Epiphone back from the dead !

I'm very pleased. Unfortunately, I can't do it immediately since it costs quite a bit...

Fret

On a break from work. Quite the relief. Spent most of yesterday asleep and going out. I went to that new music store yesterday. Unfortunately, once again they can't fix acoustic guitar frets. I think I may actually have to replace them myself. I'm quite disappointed.

I downloaded more music yesterday. Better than Ezra's Greatest Hits and Bowling for Soup's A Hangover You Don't Deserve. I'm going to download that new U2 album now.

I have to work this Sunday. I don't like working on Sundays. But since it's day work, it's not too bad.

On the personal side of things, not much else is going on. Later, I'm going to spend more tme looking for a place to replace my goddamn guitar frets. There has to be someone in this dinghy town that can do it. There has to be.

And Revenge of the Sith is playing next week !! Haha !!

And in yet even more personal wonderings, it's actually nice to be totally angst free. For now anyway. I'm going to keep a close eye on this. If I can keep turmoil away from me for a whole quarter, then that will be a new record. Unprecedented. Unheard of.

Unfortunely, that would also mean a degradation in this blogs dramatic quality. I'll be writing a lot about movies and music I supposed.

Rin wants to learn how to play guitar, but last night as we were talking about it she was whining about the pain, the big chicken. So, today if she calls I'm going to get her something with nylon strings.

That would be unprecedented too. I've never taught a girl how to play before. Yes, I think our sessions would make good blog posts eh ?

Current Music The Killers Mr Brightside Hot Fuss

Cat and Gubra

Before I forget to mention it, I'm pleased that Yasmin has started preproduction of Gubra, which will feature all the those people from Sepet including the flamboyant Ida Nerina and the very cute Sharifah Amani.

I am so looking forward to this. I must say, this is quite unprecedented. I have never anticipated a local film like this before. That's really saying something.

See, local films mostly suck, at least to me anyway. And they usually suck to me because I can't relate to them. The stories are implausible, the acting not so good (which I can usually overlook provided the story is good) and the scripts. Listen to the script of your typical Malaysian made film and ask yourself this question.

In your entire life living in this country has anyone heard anyone talk like that ?

They are many talented individuals out there in our film industry, this much I know. Unfortunately, they are ham-strung by our censorship board who, among other things have this strange aversion to reality and try as much as they can to advance the sinister political agendas of certain politicians. Hence the bizarre restrictions and the weird unwritten rules.

Fortunately, some of our more daring indie film makers have done very, very well with their hyperrealistic tales of love and life. They have done well enough to prompt some members of our normally stuffy, conservative, out of touch government to sit up, smell the napalm and back off a bit. I hope this continues.

Actually, today's post was supposed to be about The Cat. I slept very late today after work because I had to help mom send The Cat to the vet. She has fever.

Ahh The Cat. She is quite funny sometimes, what with the somewhat creepy look that she has, the loud, plaintive meowing when she wants something (or in the case of the bath, when she DOESN'T want something) and the hyperness associated with young cats (she's three months old, I think).

According to mom, what happened was she was outside playing in the rain yesterday and had come down with a fever by evening. So yeah, in the morning when I came home she wasn't bugging me to give her food like she usually does.

So we went to the vet. She got jabbed. She didn't enjoy that. I was outside in the waiting area and I could hear the screaming meowing. She doesn't like taking medication either. She's a little thing and yet it took two people to hold her down and shove her meds down her throat. Cue much struggling, claws and more loud screaming meowing.

She was very upset. She refused to even look at me after that. She's a bit better now. Still a little lethargic but at least she's moving around a bit more. She was outside sunning herself when I left for work.

Ahh work. Two more nights of this and I'll be free again. Already I have images of beverages at the lounge at the Kuching Hilton dancing in my head.

I like my job just fine, but I don't like work per se. I'm a lazy bastard I know. I have to work this Sunday too (groooann..)

I watched Dawn of the Dead this morning. It was very good. I liked it. More on that later (but don't hold your breath).

Kids and Dragons

While I was at Empire yesterday, I found some really good stuff.

First, I found a Rilo Kiley's More Adventurous CD which I snapped up immediately. As far as I know, Rilo Kiley doesn't have a local release. I've been listening to it the last day or so and I like it. It's a good change of pace from my usual car music i.e Goldfinger, Carcass, Ash etc.

Then I found a Kids DVD. What a disturbing film this is. And what a powerful one. Basically it's about this skater dude who likes to deflower virgins. Well, it goes badly when one of his former partners get tested positive for HIV. She sets out to find him and tell him. She does find him at the end but a little too late. The ending made me shake my head involuntarily.

The movie is quite dark and there's little joy in it. But it's very realistic, maybe a little too realistic for some people. I'm quite sad to say that some of the things the kids do in this movie, I have seen people do in real life. In fact, I have actually done some of those things. I'm not saying which ones. I'm not a skater, that much I can say.

I can also say, when you are young you are immortal and untouchable, the world is your oyster and the future is not something that you think about.

This movie will resonate well with people who have either lived they lives like that or have known people who have. Conservative people should stay away from this movie. Trust me on that. That reminds me, I need to remove the disk from the living room before my dad accidentally watches it.

But not all is dark for amongst the stash of stuff I got yesterday, I also found a gem which I have been looking forward to from the moment I heard of it months ago.

Dragons !!

Yes, I'm an RPG-ing D&D geek. And proudly so. Thus, like any self-respecting D&D roleplayer I am fascinated with things like history, mythology and magic. And dragons !!

Imagine my delight when I saw the Animal Planet special Dragons : A Fantasy Made Real sitting on the DVD rack at Empire. And while you're at it, imagine Raven's delight also when I messaged her about it.

Obviously, I bought it. I also bought one for Raven.

There are many films and TV series and other shows featuring dragons and their ilk. However, as far as I recall they has never been a feature ABOUT dragons. Ok Dragonheart was about a dragon but that's not the same thing.

And more importantly, they has never been a feature that made dragons look and feel so real and plausible, as can be expected from an Animal Planet documentary.

D:AFMR is shot documentary style with the most mind blowing CGI dragon sequences ever known to man. I especially like the dragon vs t-rex fight sequence with the sun behind a female dragon while she divebombs the T-Rex. It was awesome ! And the mountain dragon mating flight ! And fire ! Dragons wouldn't be as fabulous and awe inspiring if not for their ability to breathe fire.

I won't spoil it for anyone else, but I have to mention how impressed I am at how the documentary explains and justifies things like the dragon's flight mechanics and fire breathing methods. It's mad genius I'm telling you. And so very plausible.

I think our resident game master can use this DVD as reference.

In other news, Rin picked me up from the house last night after her own prior social engagement. We drove around for a bit, bought some refreshments from 7-11 and drove around some more while we drove pass the houses of all our friends and other people we know. Oh yes, she was also doing a good job traumatizing me by driving badly and not noticing red traffic lights until the last minute. It was strangely entertaining.

We talked about all and sundry and laughed at idealistic, naive comments people wrote in a teen magazine that she bought.

She painted her nails. They look great.

Rin, she's very strange but very cool at the same time.

Kingdom of Heaven

It's one of those days when Blogger isn't being cooperative and is hard to log on to. I had a post just now, but that's all gone now. The idea I mean.

I think there's something wrong with my phone. It's acting funny and I can't seem to send or receive messages. I hope it's not busted.

I watched Kingdom of Heaven just now. Pretty good. Orlando Bloom was not effeminate at all. I didn't cringe at all. I love the character of Saladin played by Ghassan Massoud. Saladin rocks.

I only wished that they've made Saladin speak Arabic to his lieutenants instead of English.

I like historical pieces like this one. I especially like it if they base it on real people.

This movie basically says the same thing I keep saying. Men fight religious wars and yet religion has little to do with it. No religion preaches war, and yet....

People. Evil, manipulative people. That's the problem. And what's the best way to whip up the masses ? Religion. For thousands of years, people have hijacked religion for their own nefarious designs and people never learn. I doubt we will ever learn.

Why is religion so easy to hijack ? So many things I could write here, but one factor is ignorance from within and without a religious community. People can be so callously stupid. Just go and read some of the stuff people post on the IMDB forum about this movie and you'll see what I mean.

Contrary to what a lot of people think, this movie isn't really about the Crusades. Nor is it Islamophobic or anti-Christian. This film is about the truth behind religious wars amongst other things. The truth that zealots are the troublemakers, not the religion itself.

In other news...

I'm on a music download kick again. This afternoon I found a Lagwagon album and I just completed downloading The Killers' Hot Fuss album. Next, Better Than Ezra's Greatest Hits and I'm still trying to find a torrent file for Friction Baby that wouldn't time out.

And Dishwalla. Last night, when Rin was messing around with my PC one of their singles appeared on her Launchcast playlist. They sound different from before.

Tomorrow is a Sunday. I plan to have an easy going day and I hope the weather will cooperate. I need to settle myself down before I start work again on Monday.

Maybe I'll wake up early and have a slow breakfast.

Good

I'm off work. I intend to enjoy myself. Catch up on some sleep. I have a looong weekend.

I woke up earlier than I usually do. I've been playing SWAT 4 all morning. Good game. Right now, I'm stuck in this mission where there's a botched car theft attempt at a chop shop. It's a tough one. It's dark and the perps are heavily armed.

Just now, while continuing to inventory my DVDs, I decided to watch Freddy vs Jason again. That's a fun movie to watch.

Slasher flicks. They're crude, they're senselessly and unnecessarily violent, they barely qualify as art and they are almost devoid of all the graces of other film genres. But they're campy, over the top and sometimes funny.

I like them. I'm going to look for the other movies from my childhood with Jason and Freddy in them. Good times, good times.

I have a few things to write about. But I'm sleepy. In fact, now that I think about it, I have mentioned in previous posts about writing more about the subjects I write about in those posts. But rarely do I come around to them. Maybe I should make a list and help myself remember.

Later I'm going out, perhaps to do some shopping, reload and to check out this new music store that just opened at 3rd mile. Hopefully, they do fret repairs for acoustic guitars. It's the weirdest thing, none of the music stores in town want to do fret replacements for acoustics. I have this perfectly good acoustic here at home with busted frets. Such a shame if I can't get it fixed.

Regular readers will recall that I have mentioned this in a post many months ago.

Yesterday's date was 05/05/05. I had this idea for a post entitled Five by Five yesterday. But, I got lazy. Heh. I am kinda tired and I had plans last night, so I have a good excuse. Definitely I will write a post called Five by Five. I love that title.

I've added many blogs to my ever increasing blog roll. Check out the Darth Vader one. It's very funny.

For the moment, life is quite good and it's a strange place to be in. Yes, even good things need adjusting to.

But no one will here me complain about that.

Crazy People

I read something so bizarre I have to write about it before I forget.

We all have our fanboy/fangirl moments do we not ? I myself am a big Buffy fan, where I remember things like episode titles and specific lines of script. Well, as bad as my fascination for Buffy is, at least I'm not as nuts as the person described in this post. Check it out.

I laughed quite hard. Obsession makes people weird doesn't it ?

Anyways, the name Siti Nurhaliza illicits all kinds of reactions. What do I think of her ?

I'm no fan, but I don't hate her either. She's ok I guess. She's no soul diva, but her singing voice is fine. She got lampooned quite a bit a while back for having crap English, but to her credit at least she went out and did something about that. Still needs some work though, but at least she's trying.

The one good thing I can say about her is at least she tries to improve. I'm quite impressed by the fact that she learnt how to work percussion instruments and integrate that into her live shows. Her shows are quite impressive too.

So far, I can safely say that she hasn't done or said anything that I found personally offensive. However, I think she could do well if she was more adventurous when it comes to musical styling. And it would do her well to get out from under the shadow of her overly protective brother-in-law/manager/agent.

I think the reason why so many people don't like her is because of the behaviour of some of her fans. The woman's got legions of them, some of whom aren't wired right (like the person in the linked post just now). Personally, I find it really annoying when I hear people gush over her like she's somekind of otherworldly goddess.

This despite the fact that I too, am sometimes guilty of gushing over Buffy/Sarah Michelle Gellar. But at least I'm not compelled to defend her at every turn and at least I can accept it when people say that she has no boobs/butt and that she is kinda small. I still think she's hot and I still hate Freddie Prinze Jr.

What can I say ? I'm a straight male and I get envious of other straight males who have hot girlfriends/wives who are Sarah Michelle Gellar.

Anyway, back to being a Siti fanboy/fangirl. Yes, they can be extremely annoying and unfortunately this reflects back on her. So, in a way when people say that Siti sucks and that she's annoying, it's partly because of her overzealous fans.

Also, it's a known fact that the more well known a person is, the more annoyed some people will get. I don't know why. I don't think being dengki (envious) is enough to explain that.

Whatever it is, it's fun to watch people act strangely no ?

In other news, Haloscan is back online and I'm no longer upset. However, I'll have to watch it closely and if this unreliability issue is not settled, I will switch it off and enable Blogger's native comment support.

I watched another excellent movie a few days ago, the superb Lost in Translation. I bought that DVD months ago and only just watched it. I'm sure I'll find more movies that I've bought but haven't watched as I'm doing my inventory. Sometimes I buy 3-4 DVDs and apparently sometimes I forget to watch some of them. So far, I haven't accidentally bought duplicates yet.

I'm going to watch Lost in Translation and Before Sunset again and maybe then, I'll write more about it. Plus, this weekend I need to go look for Before Sunrise.

Ok, then. I must get back to work now. Two down, one to go.

Early Blog Post

Yesterday was a terrible day. I slept very late. And woke up in the evening with the most unbelievable head ache. I'm prone to get these headaches when I oversleep. They hurt. A lot.

But the bright side would be the amount of rest that I got. Am expecting another tough week at work.

So in the end, I didn't do all that much. Most of the things that I was supposed to do last week will have to get done this week.

It's May already. Time flies does it not ?

I finished playing X-Wing Alliance last night. The Death Star run is always awesome, but really tough. I'm looking for an XWA mission editor. Does anyone know where to get one ? I did find one but that one was shareware. I have this urge to do an Imperial campaign set.

On Saturday night, I watched the excellent Before Sunset. Does anyone have the prequel ? I asked some friends last night but no one's seen it. Anyway, I found that movie upsetting and enlightening at the same time. I wasn't quite sure why I got upset by it. I think that maybe I may have overidentified with one or both the leads.

I loved the script and I like the way they shot that movie as one long conversation. I thought it was very clever.

I suddenly remember something rather funny. I was writing yesterday's post, fully intent on writing about Before Sunset and what I thought about it when somehow I got very sidetracked. That happens a lot when I write. A lot of the posts here are digressions from their original intent. I start out with an idea and while writing it another idea would sieze me and force me in another direction.

I can't stay on topic. I would make a crap journalist.

Finally, I notice quite a number of people out in the blogosphere who have been having a really crappy time these last few days. This distresses me.

To be fair, last week's vibe wasn't the greatest.

I hope everyone will be ok this week. Hopefully May will bring a better feeling. So, please take some time and step out in the sun today. It should help improve the mood.

Tainted Love

Hmm.

It seems that my hiatuses are getting longer and longer. I'm not entirely sure why. Could it be that I need less therapy nowadays ? But no ! I shall not abandon my blog and disappoint all my friends who read it. You see, to me blogging is also an exercise in discipline. It's something that I feel like I have to do, even when I don't feel like doing it.

They'll be more entries tomorrow and the days after. I work night shift, which is increasingly becoming my favoured posting time. Plus I get all depressed and thoughtful. Maybe not depressed. Anymore.

When I'm at home, I play games and go out. No time to blog sometimes.

And talking about feelings, they be times when I observe the actions of others, remember how close their actions are to mine when I was younger and more naive, and cringe.

Yoda was wrong. You can't trust your feelings.

I have seen how feeling your feelings turn otherwise sane, pleasant people into shadows of themselves. Your feelings sometimes get in the way of doing the right thing. How it turns people into stalker weirdos who obsess and freak the hell out of their objects of desire.

Yes, I am talking about relationships. Again. I guess I write a lot about it because I don't talk about it at all nowadays.

Feel for someone, and watch how it turns you into a selfish monster, where every action and every word you say is tainted by that desire to satisfy your "feeling". That taint takes the sincerity out of your words and actions, and that taint changes you. It does.

That is what makes people do things for someone and that's what makes it hurt when it doesn't work. That taint, it makes people pushy and possesive. That taint makes it nearly impossible to be spontaneous. It makes it impossible to be yourself, the true self that the other person might actually connect with and like.

Instead, you become this creepy, pushy thing that makes people cringe. How is anyone going to be lovable when their being creepy and messed up ? How many times has it happened ? You meet someone, get enamoured by them and then make them uncomfortable and suffocate the life out of them.

Romantic love is overrated. Just about the only time it can be beautiful is when both parties feel it at the same time. I'm curious. Out of 100 meetings of two people, how times do both people connect and fall for each other ? Not so many I bet.

You might say it takes some effort. Perhaps, but the fact remains that you can't make someone fall in with love you. Their either do or don't. They have to do that for themselves. You can't make them feel that.

But wait ? Am I talking about romantic love or infatuation ? How do you tell the difference ? Or are they what I think they are, two sides of the same coin ?

I used to be an idealist. A hopeless romantic. Then real life hit me over the head and stung and burned and humiliated me in public and in front of my friends who are then annoyed by the resultant prattling about my "feelings".

What am I saying ? Don't trust your feelings. They can make you do stupid things that hurt yourself. They can lead you to the dark side.

PS. No, I'm not depressed and no I didn't get dumped or anything like that. I'm just venting. This is just an opinion. I'm fine.